Your 1st Christmas Eve

Dear Baby Ryan,
This is your 7th week in this world and your first Christmas Eve.  Yes, it is still a little hard to imagine when the doctors pulled you out of your mother's tummy - you were purple, slimy, quiet, and almost lifeless.....  Tonight is Christmas eve, your uncle Jim, mommy, and I played scrabble, had snacks, and drank wines just like some of those evenings before you were born.  Tonight, you were sitting in your swing with your pacifier, listening to Christmas music, and staring right back at us.....

Ryan, I know that you are leaving in the next three weeks or so to go back to Thailand with your mother but I want you to know that the time that we have spent together changed your uncle Jim and I - forever...  Your uncle Jim has never changed a diaper in his life even though Zoe and Gabe were his first niece and nephew.  Now, not only that uncle Jim is an expert in diaper changing, he is also a well-trained baby-burper, car-seat securer, and sometimes even as your baby mattress.  As for me, not only you are the first baby diaper that I have ever changed, I also embraced the baby squeal that I once can't tolerate.  These days, every time when you cry with your high pitch voice, I just know that if I did something different, you'd be more comfortable and you'd quiet down.  It has become my responsibility to ensure that your needs are met.  And that, is a new concept to me...

As I sipped the last glass of Merlot and listened to Josh Groban with you on my chest, tears almost fell out of my eyes...  What I want for you baby Ryan is the best that there is to have, and I wish you the best for you when you go to Thailand with your mother.  No matter what life throws at you, you'll always have your uncle Jim and I here thinking, missing, and wishing you the best.....  Ryan, thank you for having changed our lives, thank you for only demanded what you needed and not more, and thank you for allowing us to contribute to your life the only way we know how.  Watching you grow day after day is one of the biggest reward in life that I have ever experienced.  Thank you Ryan, and good luck.  We will miss you terribly...

Auntie Anny

Beautiful Lifestyle

I was in the backyard with my mother yesterday afternoon.  Mom enjoys having fresh cut flowers in the house and she was going around our backyard trying to get leafy greens for the flower arrangement.  We trimmed little shrubs and potted plants, and we walked around the back and side yard to discuss how to care for different types of plants.  Mom has always enjoyed gardening and she is the only one in our family who knows how to do all of that.  She has the green thumb.

Mom used to have a huge backyard in Taipei but ever since dad got sick, mom traded her house in the "mountains" for a house in the city so she doesn't have the space to garden anymore.  She does what she can in the balconies and outside of her front door, and she also supplement the lack of garden with fresh cut flowers all over the house.  Although our backyard in California has not been kept up like her old yard, she enjoyed going around and finding the things that she needs to arrange flowers.  After she found everything that she needed in our yard, she came up with three different 'styles' of flower arrangements in three different vases.  I was amazed by the kind of material that she was able to collect and by her creativity for arranging the flowers the way she did...  I could tell that she was happy.  Not only she had the opportunity to work in the yard, to create something beautiful, but best of all, it was free!

After we came in to the house, she admired the flower that she put together through our family room window that faces the pool, then she said "beauty in one's in lifestyle is a creation, and it's not to be taken for granted."

Mom has always been someone who's into making her home and her life beautiful, but I have always had a judgement about her wanting to look good for others.  Last night, when she said what she said, it was the first time that I heard what she was really saying, and what she said had a completely different impact on me.  I saw for myself that I have never cared or valued anything about having a beautiful house, having a well decorated bedroom, or a well maintained backyard.  To me, those are just extra work that creates no added value.   Because I have never placed any value on having a beautiful home or lifestyle, I have never understood that this was a way that my mother contribute to our lives.

Yesterday was the first time I realized how my 'correct' values can blind me from appreciating others' contribution, yesterday was the first time I appreciated my mother's effort of making my house a beautiful home, and yesterday was the first time I can share her joy for having contributed to our lives.

24

Dear baby Ryan,

Being beside you for the first 24 hours of your life has been truly miraculous and transformational for your auntie Anny and our whole family. I am amazed at how you can be so little yet so powerful in changing all of our lives. With your arrival, my sister became your mother, my parents became your grandparents, my husband became your uncle, and I became someone who knows that I am capable of taking care of a little baby like you.

Last night, you slept on the sofa bed in the hospital with me swaddled like a little cocoon. Whenever you had your reflexes or little tremors, you'd wake me up, I'd rub your little cocoon, and you'd fall asleep again. You kept up with your little movements all night and I'd wake up to make sure that you were doing well. Sometimes, you'd fall asleep after a longer rub but sometimes you'd fall right back to sleep. When you go back to sleep quickly, I'd watch you laying there with your eyes forming two little dashes going across your face. You looked content, at peace, and well-adjusted and I asked myself, "Is Ryan's first night in our world a good experience for him?" Ryan, you see, all of us adults have issues that we are dealing with in this world that do not give us the kind of peace and satisfaction that I see in you. However, watching you last night made me realize that we were all born the same way you were - peaceful, content, perfect, and whole.

Baby Ryan, you were being a little baby last night but I saw the capacity and possibility of motherhood for me. My age old fear of not being a good enough mother was melted away by the peace that poured out of you. Your first 24 hours convinced me that I am capable of being a loving mother. So what's next? I just can't wait to journey into the future with you!

Sickness Update

I didn't want to put this on the blog but felt like it is important enough for people to know about it so here you go...

A colleague of mine got sick about two weeks ago and I talked her for about 30mins and 2 hours after our conversation, I was dizzy and I came down with a flu right away. I had a fever and body ache but I went about my business for about 10 more days. Three days ago, everything went down hill... My fever wouldn't break, my headache won't go away, the chest congestion and cough just kicked in. I've never felt so bad before that I couldn't go to work or do anything else, so I knew that the cold was bad. Yes, I suspected that it was H1N1 but had to get tested to know for sure right?

So, I went to the hospital to see my primary care doctor, she prescribed a few medications for my symptoms while she sat about 6 feet away from me while we were both wearing surgical masks. She said that everything was fine and there wasn't a need to get tested for H1N1 or getting the Tamiflu or other antiviral drugs. I was sitting there thinking, if everything is ok, why are you sitting so far away from me with your mask on? I went home, took all the meds, and woke up the next morning didn't feel a tad better.

At the suggestion of my wise mother, I went to the ER the next day and found out the reasons that my primary care doctor didn't want to get me tested. This is what I want to share with those of you who are in the US... The ER doctor told me that they have had a lot of patients that came in with influenza. The seasonal influenza actually kills more people than then H1N1 (or swine flu) and since Northern California only has one laboratory that can test for H1N1, doctors in ER have been ordered by CDC not to send tests to labs but just prescribe antiviral drugs for those that go in with flu like symptoms.

This experience tells me that the CDC no longer tracks the number of patients with H1N1 and it is far more prevalent than we think. You probably had it, fought it off, and passed it to someone else already... Whoever has flu like symptoms that last longer than usual should get yourself treated right away with antiviral drugs. In the mean time, stay away from your healthy family members and wear a mask to prevent giving the flu to others if you have to go somewhere public. Kids and pregnant women are especially high risk. And to avoid complications, stay away from aspirin and aspirin related products if you suspect that you have H1N1.

I did get my antiviral medicine from the ER but never got tested for H1N1. I'm ordered not to go into work for a week... so good luck everyone, stay healthy!

Brave Mothers

Jim and I took Angela to the airport today to catch her flight to Boston. As she went by the person that checked her ID, tears rolled down my face... It was not because she is going to Boston for work for the next couple of weeks with Ryan, it was not because I won't see Ryan & Angela for the next 3 or so weeks, but because I realized how "normal" it was for her to travel to all these places for work being pregnant with Ryan by herself.

Mothers were not born mothers. They were born as someone's daughter, treasured, pampered, and sometimes treated like little princesses. Mothers did not grow up as mothers, the grew up as someone's sister, someone's friend, and someone's lover. Mothers are foremost daughters, lovers, then mothers.

Career women want to be successful, accomplished, and have the financial independence and freedom to make, save, and spend money. Women in love want be loved and cared for. Women in general want to be beautiful and desired... Pregnant mothers set aside all of their concerns and assume a new role as mothers-to-be for a baby that they are carrying whom they have never met.

Pregnant mothers carry the weight that they never wanted to gain, go to work as if the large belly wasn't there, and they go on with their day to day activity whether they enjoy their pregnancy experience or not... they just go on. Aren't they concerned about the weight gain and permanent stretch mark? Aren't they concerned about the loss of independence after giving birth? Aren't they concerned about their beauty and not being desired? Yet, they set their fears aside and press on with courage.

I am not pretending that I understand the thoughts and emotions of a pregnant mother but from what I observe, they are more brave than people give them credit for. Their babies are primary and their fears and concerns are secondary...

To all of my friends that are mothers and considering to be mothers. I appreciate your courage and bravery on a whole new level now... Angela, thank you for making me see all of this by being you, being who you have always been despite your worries and concerns...

Lifestyle Choices

Recently I have had a lot of baby conversations, not regarding raising a baby, but about lifestyle changes when one chooses to have children. People choose to have kids for different reasons. It can be as biological as it is an extension of one's genes, or it can be as matter of fact as that's what you do after you get married, or sometimes, it can sound as ridiculous as kids can bridge the gap of a dysfunctional marriage... No matter what the reasons are, the truth of the matter is that children will change your lifestyle, whether you like it or not.

I have talked to enough parents to know that the lifestyle change and how you feel about having kids cannot be planned or anticipated. Once you have them, you'll enjoy them the way you never thought you would and they will forever change your lifestyle like you have never expected.

I know that if Jim and I have kids, I will enjoy the children to no end and whatever lifestyle choices I have to change or modify, I will do so without much hesitation. However, this is not to say that I don't enjoy our lifestyle right now and I have absolutely no problem in continuing this lifestyle that we currently have. The choices that we make without kids only involve two of us and occasionally our cats. The money that we make is spent for our enjoyment on travel, wine, and good food. The time that we have is for us as individuals or as a couple. The choices that we make for our lives only directly impact Jim and I...

People that choose to have kids took a different path than people that choose not to have children. Both groups will have the enjoyment and lifestyle that the other group will never experience. So, my dear friends that have children, don't be envious of our trips because we don't have cute little ones to go home to just yet. When I am jealous of your cute little babies and attempt to take them home, remind me that I don't have to change diapers or drink costco-sized vodka to drown out the irritation on a day to day basis... These are just lifestyle choices - no one choice is better or worse than the other.

Am I With You?

Have you ever had the experience of talking to someone and you just know that they are not there? They hear what you have to say, but they are not really listening. Under the best case scenario, they can repeat everything that you just said back to you like a parrot, but they are not really listening. They are not "with you" in that moment and I am very guilty of not being present...

We value efficiency so much these days that our listening of others and our being with others suffer. We multi-task, we produce, but we are so rarely present.

On my drive to collect Jim in San Francisco this evening, I was surprised to see the green rice field that was glistening under the sun beneath the highway. In that moment, I realized that I have never been present to my drive from Sacramento to San Francisco ever! It was always let's get there while I listen to the radio or talk on the phone, finish what I have to do in the city, and rush right back. Tonight, I drove by golden, pink, red, and white wild flowers that lined the highway, I came down from a hill that had an amazing view of the Bay covered with tall, burnt, yellow grasses. I saw the moon sitting high up on the sky to my left and the sun setting on my right. By the time I crossed the Bay Bridge, it was dark and the moon was hiding behind misty clouds. I was shocked when I caught a glimpse of the city while on the bridge and I kept wondering how beautiful, how majestic, and how perfect the view was... I didn't want that moment to end so I secretly wished that the drive was longer so that the view would linger.

I took the same route that I always take when I visit San Francisco, but being present made the drive not just tolerable but amazingly beautiful. If I am with you, and really there with you, all the conversations that we have and our time together should always be just as memorable and just as profoundly beautiful as this trip.

Crayfish? Crawfish?

Farmer's market is one of my favorite places to go on Saturday mornings. I usually go with a casual dress, hat, sunglasses along with my straw purse and reusable bags. I will get coffee at the farmer's market while I walk between the stands. Since I had to go to San Francisco this Saturday, I went to the farmer's market downtown instead. The market under the freeway was crowded by merchants, professional farmer's market shoppers, and shoppers like me that mainly go for the experience.

As I walked among the stands, I realized that there were some seafood and meat stands that I have never noticed before (the few times that I have been to downtown's farmer's market, they weren't there) One of them was a live crayfish stand with boxes and boxes of crawfish (switching the terms up to be fair) Whenever I see fresh "sea"food, I just can't help myself but purchase them so I bought 3lbs of the crawfish so I can cook for our guest of honor, Danielle, for lunch.

Since this was the first time that I attempt cooking crayfish, something interesting was bound to happen. I got home with the live crawfish and sat them in the sink to clean them. One of the crayfish got out of the bag and fell into the garbage disposal. I panicked and didn't know how to get it out of the garbage disposal! After a few screams and attempts to get the crawfish to bite on the utensils, Danielle suggested tongs while laughing in the back watching this goes down. I finally got the crayfish out of the garbage disposal and it had vegetables firmly clamped in both of its claws... As I cleaned the crayfish, I decided to go with two flavors just to be safe since this is the first time trying to cook them. The first dish was the white wine, parsley, garlic recipe which I cook the mussels with and the second sauce was made up on the fly where chili and garlic were the main spices in which I sauteed the crawfish with okra. Lunch was the two flavored crayfish, wine, and a cucumber from our planter.

This was Danielle's first time trying crawfish so something funny was bound to happen... Jim and I showed Danielle how to access the crustacean "meat" and a few crayfish into Danielle's lunch, the crawfish ended up over her shoulder on the carpet. We looked at one another in surprise, remembering the scene in Pretty Woman, and laughed... Danielle didn't end up eating much of the crayfish but she enjoyed the okra and the flavors. Next time we'll cook something that's easier to cook and eat!

Grown-up Cooking

I gave up on Chinese cooking after Jim and I moved to Sacramento. Jim enjoys sandwiches and cooking for myself was just too much trouble. So, it has been six to seven years since I cooked Chinese dishes. I have learned to cook simpler dishes that use ingredients that don't require too many spices or cooking time over these years.

For the pool party on July 5th, I wanted to make a few traditional Taiwanese dishes for some of the guests to try. However, I didn't know how I was going to do that since there are a lot of traditional Taiwanese courses that should only be attempted by parents and grown-ups that have a lot of cooking experience. These dishes often include ingredients such as intestines, tripe, and body parts such as feet, ears, tails, etc. As you can imagine, making a dish with these ingredients without cooking experience and plenty of pratice can make the course disastrous.

To attempt these traditional dishes, I picked up a small amount of beef tripe, tendon, and pig feet for the party. I was prepared to throw everything away if these dishes turned out badly, which would not have surprised me... I called mom for the receipe and then I washed, pan fried, boiled, and simmered the ingredients in different spices for hours. The final dishes tasted surprisingly good; as if the dishes were made by a grown-up with a lot of cooking experience. The dishes were a hit at the pool party and at the office so I can finally claim that I have it in me to cook good traditional Taiwanese courses like a grown up! I made up my mind to continue making Taiwanese dishes for myself and possibly bring it to the office for others to share...

Not Enough

The death of Michael Jackson was one of the headlines in the news for the past few days. The first day I heard it, the news was repeated by every single multimedia outlet including NPR. I was driving from Sacramento to San Francisco to complete my communication course on Thursday night when NPR played his music and story. The ride was about two hours and NPR played Michael Jackson news various times. The program talked about his accomplishments, his lawsuits, his bankruptcy, his now cancelled upcoming concerts, and of course his death. I couldn't help but think how sad his life had been...

Michael Jackson is one of the world's most famous musicians if not THE most famous. His MTV videos, music, dance moves, and concerts mesmerized the world. Yet, he continued to change his physical appearance until people looked at him as if he was a monster. While NPR continued playing his life story, I couldn't help but wonder, did this international star have the same insecurities as every single one of us? Did he continue to change his physical appearance because some part of him felt like he wasn't enough? Did the insecurities eventually manifest themselves in areas of his life that made it difficult for him to turn back? Did "not enough" eventually catch up with him even though the world still believed in his talents and him?

Although our insecurities usually don't manifest themselves physically, many do impact our lives in ways that others do not see or cannot fathom. The question "am I enough?" will prompt different people to take different actions. For me, to answer this question for myself, I am driven to learn more, explore more, and do more. For others, the question "am I enough?" might mean that they become secluded, withdrawn, or unfulfilled, etc. I wonder if this is the question that killed the legendary super star Michael Jackson from the inside. Not only did he keep changing his appearance, he also couldn't muster the strength to complete his last round of concert tours. Could the answer to the question "am I enough?" for Michael Jackson eventually ended his life? Despite how much the world believed and loved him and his talents, like the rest of us, he morphed, changed, and suffered because he felt that he was not enough?

Thank You

Pilgrimage is a journey to a shrine or a sacred place. My journey back home to see my mother turned into a 'spiritual' quest where I had a lot of "a-ha" moments that have impacted my life and will continue to shape my future. The results of these life changing light bulb incidents are things that I will share over time, but the journey to these insights is what I am about to write and document so I can remember the trip for myself.

As I have written in "Mother Hen", I traveled home to be with my mother and to appease her while she waits for her lab tests. Fortunately for all of us, doctors cleared her of any life threatening issues as a result of the exams. The realization that one day I will have to be responsible for our family was the opening for insights that I have never seen or inquired for myself before. The fear of uncertainty prior to the trip, the conversations that I had with friends regarding past, future, choices, and consequences, the movies that I watched while in Taiwan (Departures, Revolutionary Road, Marley & Me), and all the support from friends and family transformed a trip home into a pilgrimage.

I learned from this trip that when there is uncertainty in life, you should keep an open mind and surround yourself with people who support and challenge your beliefs & thoughts. By doing so, you create an opening for inquiries and possibly pathways that you can take. Being open, generous, and willing to share life actually allow life to present itself in ways that you could not have predicted. On this trip, with the amazing and loving community that I have, I was able to accomplish everything that I set out to achieve and sort out life decisions that I didn't intend or knew that I could complete. I am looking forward to have the results of this journey manifest themselves in my life and being more awake. I want to thank those of you who have contributed to this expedition - for all of your time, support, and love that you have shared on this life changing journey of mine. Thank you...

Better Than a Dog?

Comedy drama was never really my thing because I usually don't get a lot of out of them. I like action movies where I am engaged in non-stop bombardment for the duration of the movie but forget about the movie after it ends. Or, I like to watch movies that are thought provoking or introduce me to something new, where the impact of the movie stays with me for a long time, sometimes even life changing. To kill time and to try something different, I watched Marley & Me while I was in Taiwan. To my surprise, I have been thinking about the movie ever since I watched it. (What do I know! Try something new, learn something new!)

It was not the purchase of a clearance puppy, the behavior of a dog from hell, or even the acceptance of Marley by the entire family that captured my heart. It was the last quote of the movie that kept me wondering about our relationships, our friendships, and our impact on others. The quote goes: " A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

How many friends or family members do you have who are more accepting than dogs and will never judge you? How many friends or family members do you have who are more loving than dogs and will love you regardless of the circumstances that you face in life? How many friends or family members will give you their hearts and protect yours like a dog will with its seemingly innate loyalty? How many people in your life will only see you as nothing less than extraordinary? How many people, really? Isn't it sad that we don't have a lot of friends or family members that are better than dogs?

If you turn these questions around and ask yourself, "do you judge people that you love?", "do you love them regardless of their intelligence, material possessions, choices that they make for their lives?", "do you give your love ones your heart and protect theirs like the most precious gift that you have ever received?", "do you see your friends and family members as nothing less than amazing, pure, and extraordinary?", and "are you a better than a dog friend or family member for people that you love?" If you are not better than a dog for those people that you care for, can you imagine who you are for those that you don't truly love?

We crave so desperately for connection, relationships, and love but we are so unwilling to give up judgement, boundaries, and walls. Next time when we don't have the relationship of our dreams, maybe we should ask ourselves, "what are some qualities that man's best friend have that we lack?". The answer might provide us with some access to be a better than a dog friend or family member to those that we love and care for.

Hand

Aunt, uncle, parents, and I crammed around the small round table in the nook for dinner. We had our home cooked meal and wine. Wine or any kind of alcohol is rare in the Chen household if you can believe it, but tonight was different, we celebrated the good news on mom's lab results. According to the blood tests and doctors' diagnoses, our worries about mom's health were unwarranted.

After a delicious home cooked meal, Dad and I took a walk in the dimly lit courtyard by our house. I often walked with dad with his arm in mine but as we walked up the stairs, I took his hand instead. This was the first time since I was a little girl that I held his hand, it must have been more than 20 years... It was awkward in the beginning and we both tried to make small talk trying to ignore the the hand-holding situation but we got used to it less than 10 meters into our walk. Our palms were interlocked while we strolled down the courtyard, we swung our hands gently to match our steps. I thought of thousands of questions that I want to ask Dad... Questions that are personal like "do you have a satisfying life?", "how do you really feel about your past?", "do you have any life lessons that you want to share with me?", "do you miss not having us around for almost 20 years of your life?" Dad and I never discuss anything of this sort, we talked about things on the surface, not our feelings, not our lives, not our struggles in life... Then dad said, "I am glad that your mom's lab results showed nothing serious, she's not like me, I have gone through all those surgeries and fought for my life, but she's not that type..." I nodded in agreement and we walked a little bit more, I sought out the opportunity and asked "Dad, in those moments of life when you feel like you have failed in health or in your career, what drives you to fight? What motivate you to stand up and go on? Aren't you ever scared?" We turned the corner in the courtyard and dad said, "of course I was scared and very afraid, you take calculated risk but things don't always turn out. You just have to march on! I was always very very scared" As I listened to him, a guest of his walked towards us. I interrupted dad by shaking his hand and pointing our hands to the direction of the guest. It took dad a second to see the guest in the dark then dad greeted him.

Tonight, I wasn't resentful that dad's friend or business partner once again took precedent over our conversation like how I have always felt and reacted in the past. I was happy that I got to share that short moment with dad but sad that I waited so long to walk with him like this... This could have been happening all these years but I was too busy, too afraid, or too proud to generate these magical moments just by holding his hand.

Dad and I walked home hand-in-hand with his friend following beside us. I left them in the living room and went up to the guest bedroom.

Dad has aged but his hand is still soft, bony, and a little stiff...

I sobbed in the guest bedroom wishing and hoping that there are a lot more of these moments to come.

Unlikely Friendship

The flight from San Francisco to Narita was about 11 hours, I got on the plane, got out of my books and sat down next to Jeff, a cookbook writer flying to Thailand. Little did I know, I didn't need the books. Jeff and I talked, listened, and drank for 11 hours straight and we went from strangers to life committees who shared our lives.

The united flight charged $6 for a drink on our international flight. To save money, Jeff and I bought a bottle of Johnny Walker black label from the duty free cart from the flight attendants and we secretly poured our drinks while the beverage carts went up and down the aisles. Mixed with our conversations, the black label was surprisingly sobering and the life stories that we shared were touching, moving, and inspiring. Jeff showed me the pictures of where he would be living in Thailand, I felt like he carried a part of my concerns for him and part of my desire to explore the world to this remote village close to the border of Cambodia.

This flight was the most amazing flight that I have ever had. I got to know and almost live Jeff's life just sitting next to him on this plane. How many people with great life stories have sat next to me and I have passed up the opportunity to meet, to know, to love, to understand? How many of these opportunities do I get to have in a life time? What are the chances that a passenger on the flight or even a close friend inspire and touch your heart?

We arrived Narita airport buzzed and the last bit of Johnny Walker black was confiscated by Japanese immigration officers (I offered to the officer and told her that she should take it home and she thanked me. How polite!) We sat by my gate to continue my trip to Taipei and then I saw tears in his eyes... Jeff just got out of a long marriage the morning that we met on the plane. I saw in Jeff's eyes - humanity, uncertainty, love, and his unwillingness to hurt anyone. I gave him a hug and told him that things will be ok and one of those mornings, he'll wake up and everything will be fine. Then, I saw the doubt in his eyes but he promised that he'd let me know if that morning arrives for him.

The goodbye was bitter and sweet because I know, for some reason, the passenger that I sat next to on this flight to Narita will forever keep part of my heart and thoughts with him in his remote village in Thailand. My life will be forever changed because of meeting Jeff in that he inspired me to be courageous, to pursue my dreams, to never believe that it's too late to change and do something that you love. And, yes, this unlikely friendship began on united flight 853.

Mother Hen

I don't know about your culture and what roles mothers play, but in my culture, mothers are the matriarch of the Chinese households. It may not seem like our mothers are the head of households or decision makers, but they often protect their husbands' pride while making important decisions.  In my mother's generation, a lot of females grown to become the anchors or conduits of the family.

Mid-afternoon today, I got an email from Angie and she told me that mom had some symptoms that might indicate something serious. I called mom from work but didn't get much useful information from her since she hasn't had her lab results returned. The ride home from work was a grueling one - I thought about how I never thought that mom will not be around, how I always find refuge at home no matter what happens in this world because of mom, and how I know that I am always loved no matter what I do because of mom's wicked but loving acceptance. I just have never imagined that one day, she will no longer be there... Ever...

As I drove down highway 50, I realized that I have acquired a lot of her qualities over the years, I have grown to be responsible for our family, and I am also mature enough to take over her responsibilities as a sister, wife, mother, and grandmother-to-be.  I might not be as loving as mom is with Angie, I might not be as patient as mom is with Dad, I might not be as generous as mom is with aunt Chingmei, but I am confident that I am now old enough to share the responsibilities of a mother hen.  I know that mom's healthy diet and lifestyle will continue to provide her the strength in her ability to recover from whatever it is that she will be facing, but it is also gratifying to see for myself that I can be relied upon to fill her role as the conduit and provide strength to our family...

Sacramento Jazz Jubilee

Finally, I was able to attend the Sacramento Jazz Jubilee this year. Ever since I found out about this event, I've been jonesing to attend and this year we went with the professor and his wife, Mel. The Sacramento Jazz Jubilee is touted as the world's second largest jazz festival and there were a lot of people from all over the place that attended the event.

The jazz performances were all over the city, including restaurants, side walks, and underneath the freeway in Old Town Sacramento. There were also jazz events hosted at the Sacramento Convention Center which we didn't get to see this year. People were waiting in line for the special events while listening to jazz, swing, blues, and bobbing their heads. The atmosphere and energy in Old Town Sacramento was amazing and I almost didn't recognize that I was in Old Town Sac!

Our first stop was the Delta King Riverboat, the deck of the boat had high school students playing classic jazz (the next generation series). The performance was so mesmerizing, we missed our first event and ended up at the Firehouse courtyard for the remainder of the afternoon. We found amazing seats in the courtyard while different jazz bands rotated in and out of the restaurant. The dinner was simple, the wines were amazing, the music was delicious, and the conversation and company in the beautiful courtyard made the experience exquisite. This was what I expected the jazz jubilee should be like. Putting it in the professor's words, "very civilized"!

The four of us had the fourth bottle of wine at our house with the company of our two cats after 6-7 hours of jazz. The night ended with interesting conversations, more wine, and more music. I am already looking forward to the next Sacramento jazz jubilee!

Choices

It amazes me how many choices are presented to us on a day to day basis and how the quality of our lives is a function of the consequence of these decisions. Our experience of making these choices can be easy or hard, where the choices arise can be internal or external, the choices themselves can be simple or complicated, and the state in which we make these choices can be conscious or unaware. No matter how difficult making choices may seem or whether the choices arose internally or not, we live with and sometimes simply live our consequences.

Our experience of choosing can range from an easy decision such as "do I eat healthy tonight or not?" to a hard one, "do I continue to pursue what I know or venture into something new?". The choices can arise internally when we ask ourselves "am I deserving or not?" or it can arise externally when we are asked, "would you like coffee or tea?". The context of our choices can be as simple as "shall we watch this movie at home or at the theater?" to something controversial and profound such as "are you pro-choice or pro-life?". Not to mention the state of mind in which we are in when we make these choices. Sometimes we choose after a great deal of thinking and processing of information - "do I agree with this monetary policy or not?" Sometimes we choose unknowingly, we simply do not ask ourselves "shall I wear shoes to work or not?" but this is a choice nonetheless... If the consequence of our choices gives us the life that we live, shouldn't we be more aware of the questions that are posed to present these choices?

"Do you agree or not?" gives you two options and "are you a Democrat or a Republican?" gives you your presidential candidate and a certain set of policies. "Are you a Christian or not?" provides you with a certain type of ideologies and even a way in which you live your life. Why is it that the nature of the questions in our world are usually binary or finite at best? What if the quality of our lives or the "truth" actually lies somewhere in between those choices? I am not suggesting that we shouldn't choose, but it seems to me that if choices can be posed in a question that provides infinite answers, then the consequences that give us the type of life that we get to live can also be limitless. Next time when you choose, think of the possibilities...

Gift of Life

Dear baby Nikki,
Your mom always asks me, "did Nikki scare you?" with great concern. She wants to make sure that the process that you went through to fight for your life didn't scare me into not wanting to have a baby. My answer was always "no, the process didn't scare me" but the truth is, it did. Scare is probably not the right word, but whatever that word is, the way you hang on and the way you thrived, touched me deeply and made an imprint in my heart that will be irreversible.

Nikki, your aunty Anny "used to be" very liberal on the issue of abortion. I believe that a woman has the legal right to her body therefore the choice of having a baby or not should lie with the mother. However, because of you, I can no longer advise with a mother not choosing her baby no matter the circumstance. When I reflect on how much you went through, how you held on, who you have become, my heart breaks just thinking about a mother giving up a life. I can no longer share my opinion the way I used to.

You came into our office yesterday for the very first time with daddy. Mommy, daddy, and I took you around the office to show you off to the co-workers. I was so proud of you! When you put your head on my chest while I was holding you, I just couldn't believe how much you've grown and how beautiful you have become. I switched you over from one side of my shoulder to the other, just like that! You are so big now that I don't have to worry about breaking your little body... After the your tour, I had to hand you to your parents quickly, if it was just the four of us, I would have started crying in the office.

Nikkie, I am not scared to have a baby because of what you have gone through, I am scared that adults like us don't make the right decisions for babies like you. I am scared that independent as we are, we can seem selfish and forget how precious babies like you have been and will become. I am scared that the choices that we make even with the best intentions will forever impact your future in ways that we cannot fathom. I am also scared that our adult world cannot set our differences aside and we cannot provide you with what you rightly deserve...

I predicted that I was going to learn a lot from you before you get to learn anything from me, and I was right. Every time when I see you, you bring joy, happiness, and fulfillment to my life. Because of you, I am more sure than ever that I want have a baby of our own. Because of you, I am aspired to be a better person for this world so you'll have a bright future to live into. Thank you baby Nikki for an amazing perspective and an understanding of the gift of life...

Love, AA

Gardening for Dummies

I must admit that I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to gardening. Maybe I should get a gardening for dummies book? I don't know much about growing vegetables or fruits but I am excited when I see the progress of the seeds and plants. Some "gardening" questions that I have are pretty "basic" and probably "borderline" ridiculous but the overall gardening experience have been exciting and I am having a lot of fun! I must be going crazy! First, I start to enjoy Sacramento more than I "should", now, I am starting to enjoy gardening!

It all started with a conversation with a colleague about their garden, the more we talked about the type of fruit and vegetables that they harvested, the more hungry I become to have our own vegetable farm! Yes, "farm" is the ambition but "planters" are my reality... We have had herbs here and there for the past year and we also have some fruit trees that we never pruned or maintained. Three years after we moved into our home, our neighbors knocked on our door to make sure that it was ok with us that they picked the apricots off of our tree. I thought to myself, "What apricot? Isn't that a cherryless cherry tree?". Then, Jim discovered that we have a pomegranate tree and some sort of citrus tree in our backyard. However, since the "discovery", the fruit trees never produced fruits again. Hopefully we'll get really lucky this year without having applied the proper gardening technique.Maybe it was the conversations or it could be the inspiration from going to the farmers' market every Saturday, but I just crave to have my own vegetables! Knowing that there are no chemicals used, just the hot Sacramento sun and precious mountain water gives me reason to smile. I talk to friends about their chives, lettuce, berries, and tomatoes and I find these topics interesting and absolutely delicious! Just imagine cutting up a tomato from your garden, putting olive oil and sea salt over it, then topping it off with your home grown basil. How delicious will that be?

Towards the end of the day, I find myself thinking about the tomatoes, the basil and the seeds that I planted over the weekend. Seriously, I really don't know what's happening to me but I am loving my garden in the planters! When I have my first "garden" salad, I will let you know how tasty a garden salad can be!

Two Months

If you only have two months left to live, would you do things differently? What would you stop doing or start doing? Is there someone in your life that you've always wanted to have that conversation with but you are just waiting for the right moment? Will you forgive those who have hurt your feelings and move on or will you take the pain to your grave? Will you say something to the person that you have deeply hurt and impacted? Are you going to celebrate your successes or will you dwell on your failures? What will you say to your love ones? Will you finally admit that your family, friends, and significant other have always loved you? Are you going to forgive yourself for the mistakes that you have made? What will you let go and what are you going to hold onto?

If I only had two months to live, I would acknowledge the many people that have contributed to my life that I have never thanked. I would treasure every moment that I have with people that I love. I would be a different child to my parents, a different sister to my sister, I would be a different wife to my husband, a different friend to my friends, a different person in this world. The question that we should ask ourselves is not "why don't we live like we only have two months left?" The question is "when are we going to realize that we do have a choice in how we live our lives?"

We do have choices in how we live our lives, otherwise, we will not be able shift who we are for others or live a different life after we find out that we only have two months left. So why do we "pretend" that we don't have control over our lives until it's too late? By admitting having choices translates into responsibility.  Being responsible means that we are the only ones that can make our relationships flourish and wither. Being responsible means we are the only ones that make our lives happy and miserable. Being responsible means we have control over our lives and we are the only ones to get to say how it's going to go...

Are you waiting for the announcement that you have only two months left? Or will you pretend that you only have two months so you clean up the past and take charge of your future?

Family Vacation

I can't remember the last vacation that I took without checking work email and voicemail. Was it before I started working seven years ago? Although I kept up with what's going on in financial market, policies, and the first 100 days of Obama's administration, I was able to relax and be on vacation with my family this time around.

Andrew and his dad drove up from Los Angeles and Jim's parents flew in from Green Bay. We barbecued, debated current events around the world, and drank lots of beer, wine, and whiskey. Jim and Jerry lost their voices on the first two days of the visit by challenging each other's point of view on politics while Andrew refereed. Every time when public policies was brought up, Barb always redirected the conversation to something else to avoid excessive opinion battles. I realized that everyone is entitled to his/her opinion and as long as we don't think that we have the ultimate truth, we can co-exist peacefully...

We visited Napa Valley and Placerville for wine tasting, fresh produce, and delicious food. We went to Coloma to pan for gold and there was actually a lot of gold flakes to be panned! I feel bad for people in Zimbabwe having to pan gold for a living - it's a lot of hard work with very very very little reward! I ended up with a sore neck, tanned face, and $8 worth of gold? We visited Fair Field's Budweiser plant for a tour and free beer tasting. Did you know that Budweiser produces pomegranate, orange & citrus, and cactus & lime Michelob ultra beers?

A dose of family was exactly what Jim and I needed. We love living in California but spending time with love ones is what enriches our lives and makes our lives worth celebrating!

Angel Two, Angel Too

Angela sent me an email at the beginning of April with some file attachments of her baby. I have had a lot of pregnant girlfriends that shared these pictures with me, and most of the time I can see what's what after they give me some general directions. I figured that the attachments that Angela sent over will be one of those pictures, but she didn't provide me with the "how-to-see-the baby" manual in her email. So, I clicked on the link and attempted to enlarge the photo in order to see the photos better. After I clicked on the first photo, the link opened up windows media player. The attachment was a video clip, not a picture!

The videos were similar to the photos in that they were black and white. The screen was mostly white, except in the middle where the baby lies. The first video clip had the baby's head and its blurred body attached to the mom with little movement. With anticipation, I opened up the second video clip. This was something that I have never seen before... The baby's heart was beating fast, and the baby's little hand opened and closed, opened and closed. It looked like the baby was waving at the screen by flexing its fingers! I couldn't believe it, so I rewound the video, and watched it again, rewound and watched again! Yes, the baby is flexing its fingers, I concluded. I thought to myself, "maybe the baby is curious, maybe the baby is learning, or maybe the baby is just growing and trying to survive?" I will never know the answer to all these questions but this is how life begins. This little being is so helpless, fragile, yet so amazingly beautiful.

I teared up as I stopped asking questions and realized how amazing the pregnancy process really is. Mothers take in nutritious food, endure the hormonal changes, and carry the baby in their womb. Angela is now a mother to this little human being and she will provide everything this baby need - through her and inside of her. I looked at the baby's little fingers flexing again and I just cannot believe how magical life is.

The ultrasound videos that I received today looked completely different than what I saw in early April. The baby is moving around, tumbling in the womb, giving hand signals, and kicking. This little baby is merely 10 centimeters long and it already has a strong, unrelenting heartbeat. Everyday the baby will grow, everyday the baby will change, and everything that Angela provides will give this little one what it needs to come to this world - our amazing and adventurous world.

Faces of Men

Sausage talker - have you ever heard of this phrase? This is a phrase that Jim inherited from the JK family, both figuratively and literally. The phrase describes a person that talks nonsense. Not just nonsense but having ridiculous claims that are alien to normal human beings. Jim and I practice sausage talk on each other quite often. In addition to sausage talks, we also talk about the serious topics such as politics, business, and public policies. Between talking like a sausage and the serious conversations, we also talk about what every couple talk about - relationships, friendships, you name it…

There are a lot of people in my life that only know one side of me because of the type of conversations that we have. The conversations change depending on the people that I am with and circumstances in which we find ourselves. Therefore, peoples' perception of me differ dramatically. The friends that I drink with and friends that I share my blogs with know different things about me. The friends that I party with and the friends that I discuss the financial market with will probably think you are talking about a different person when you have these friends describe me. This is not unique to my friends or colleagues, this probably applies to almost everyone. So who am I really? Or who are they befriending with, really? I venture to say (another sausage talk topic) that it is how you want to be perceived that become who you are to your family, friends, and colleagues.

Everyone of us has different sides that we share with different people. What we choose to share determines who we are for others. So do we ever really know someone or do we only know what they want us to know about themselves? The faces of men are so complicated that any judgments, evaluations, and assessments are very likely to be inaccurate - so why do we pretend that we know others when we can so easily alter our own images to other through our conversation?

Right or Wrong?

We had two economists in the office today talking about the economic conditions, financial system, and the impact of our governmental policies. One of the economists is from the large investment banks who looks like Tim Geithner, the other economist has his own firm and has written quite a few academic papers and text books. Although the presentation styles and reasoning were vastly different, I enjoyed both presentations and agreed with their final conclusions that the economy and the market will get worse before they get better... Since the presentations happened on the same day, it's not hard to see that these economists had similar data, they drew different conclusions from their point of view, but agreed that there is still a long road ahead of us before the economy is on its way to recovery. Most of their arguments were reasonable, well supported, and convincing, but is what they are presenting, the reality?

The irony of working in this industry is that the reality is not THAT important. What is important is formulating a theory that you can back-up, collect data that you can interpret, and convince others that you have the right theory (if they don't believe you, show them the data!) When others agree with you, or better - when the market agrees with you, then you have manufactured not just alpha, but reality. It doesn't matter what the 'reality' was going to be, you can create your own if you can exert enough influence.

For example, if the banks are too big to fail, why do we make them bigger? If leverage is the problem, why do we encourage more borrowing? I know what should be the answer because I work in the industry, but common sense in this case just doesn't seem to matter... These questions made me think whether I can make a "right" decision and be wrong because the reality belongs to the majority, or if I can make a "wrong" decision and be right for incorrect reasons? If so, why are we so hung up on being right or being wrong when reality itself is a creation of mankind?

Belly Dance

Last night was my first and ever belly dancing class. The class is hosted by one of the community district parks in the area and I was expecting a lot of people to take advantage of this course because it was very reasonably priced. The instructor, Adriane, looked very professional on her website, so I signed up for the class without hesitation.

The anticipation was fun. I was expecting about ten to fifteen ladies in their forty's and fifty's from our neighborhood and the course was going to be like a group yoga class... It turned out that the course was held at an old library room with three students and one instructor (I was the third one) One girl was in her 20s with a tan and one of those toned tummies that make all women envy, the other student was in her late 30s having done the belly dance before. Needless to say, Adriane was in shape with a flat, tight abs. And there was me...

The room was a little doggy but the music was fun and sexy. Adriane started with some stretches and showed us some simple moves. The entire evening, I catch myself asking "how did she move her muscle like that? how did she move her shoulder like that?". It was our turn to try out the moves. I was doing well until Adriane said "breathe". I realized then that I was holding my breath trying to get the moves down. All of us burst out laughing when she said that - "we have to rotate our shoulders, hold our bellies in, AND breathe too?". As I focused on my breathing and getting the poses right, Adriane goes, "tuck your tummy in!". There was more laughter. "I did tuck my tummy in!" I screamed inside. "This is the best that I can tuck it in after those chicken wings that I munched down before the class!" I thought to myself...

8:15pm came around, the fun had to end. I am already looking forward to my next belly dancing class. Belly dancing is not as easy as it looks but it is sexy, fun, and a lot of exercise. I highly encourage you to try it out!

Backyard

Our desks and seats at the office were rearranged to fit more people in the office. I was moved to a corner desk with windows behind me. The out of control electronic shades sometimes go up to let the sun in when it's too bright and sometimes shut to block the afternoon light when the fluoresce lights are not enough. I am not sure why the electric shades work the way they do and no one seems to know how to control them... The shades are often stuck half open in the afternoon so I am able to catch a glimpse of the buildings and trees behind our office. At the corner of this scenery when I stare aimless out the window is highway 80 with traffic flowing both directions. Whenever I start noticing the highway and the traffic, it's usually time to pack up and head home because I am just not very productive anymore...

Last week, I noticed the heavy traffic on highway 80 for about 3 of the days. While I day dreamed, I thought about the traffic that I might run into if I left the office at those moments, so I waited for the traffic to die down. When I sit through the traffic on the 5 lane highway, I usually surf the net on the phone or talk on my phone while listening to the radio. The commute home has always been long, but it wasn't until recently that I started to notice my eagerness to be home because of the amazing Sacramento spring weather.

If staring out of the office window is a sign of dwindling productivity, drawing a blank on highway 50 is my way to anticipate the amazing spring evenings in our backyard. I will sit in my car, think about the big red wood trees in the yard, the grass cut and the pool clean, the wine bottle and wine glasses glistening under the afternoon sun, and the BBQ grill spits out scents of chicken, onions, and peppers. The temperature in its 70s, the occasional breeze, and the tree shadows that shade our lawn chairs. I sit on the highway, listen to NPR, anticipate what the backyard would be like. I let the pedals go then brake, let the pedals go and brake. Eventually, I will get there.

Forty to fifty minutes later, I will arrive at my destination. The cats will follow me around knowing that I am heading to the backyard so that they can roll in the dirt and chase some insects. I will get out that wine glass and pour myself some chilled white wine, then I will head to the backyard with Jim. The office, the traffic, and the stress of the day will disappear the moment that I walk through our front door heading to the amazing backyard. Then, the Sacramento spring evening in our backyard will finally begin our day...

Being Grateful

There are a lot of things to be unhappy about in this market and in this world right now. If we desire, there are a lot of good reasons and logical circumstances can prove that we should be dissatisfied with our lives. From personal finances to global economic recession, the seemingly forever shrinking 401k, the outrageous AIG executive compensation, and wars and political insanity of the Middle East, Africa, and USA. Everywhere we look, there are reasons and circumstances to drag us down... However, it is in this economy and in this difficult time that made me see how lucky I am to be where I am, to have what I have, and appreciate everything that I have always taken for granted...

It has been many many months since I last saw Rob after his retirement. Since then, the market crashed and the economy tanked. However, seeing an old friend and being reminded that I have a community that supports me and tolerates my never ending harassment and questions make me appreciate all of my friends' love, patience, and support.

The evaporation of personal wealth was extremely discouraging when Jim and I looked at our accounts, 401ks, and total assets. However, there are so many people that are being foreclosed on that have to leave their homes and some even become homeless due to the housing downturn. Knowing that there are so many people that are suffering in this economy made me realize what we have. I am thankful for the lifestyle that we can still afford and the choices that we made to live within our means.

The global recession and financial meltdown made me see that the material possessions that I accumulated are not the drivers of my happiness. It's the choice that I made to see how blessed I am that give me the satisfaction in life... Being grateful as the pathway to happiness is the greatest gain that I obtained from this financial and economic downturn.

Friend or Foe?

The past 4 weeks of our 7 months ILP has been amazing because of the teamwork. Our group teamed up and made the impossible happen for one another and I realized that we can accomplish anything if we support each other's commitment and refuse to pad one another in the back until our dreams are fulfilled.

All of my friends are amazing in their own ways. Despite our differences in values, beliefs, and personalities, our commonality is that we all have commitments. Commitments to our relationship, work, family, health, etc. Whether those commitments are declared or not, they are there! I believe that true friends will support one another in fulfilling in those commitments by being honest with one another. I expect my friends to not let me walk out of a restaurant with spinach stuck between my teeth, I expect my friends to keep me honest and grounded, and I also expect my friends to trust me that I have their backs and have good intentions when I remind them of their commitments . Most of the time, we are too polite or too politically correct with what we say to one another and even with our friends. Sometimes, we'll even go as far as lying to our friends so that we don't hurt their feelings. However, by lying to our friends so we seem nice, we are not supporting them to live the life that they love. In that case, are we friend or foe?

Selling Out

My Introduction Leader's Program through Landmark Education is coming to an end in mid-March and I have learned a lot about myself and others through this program. This course has been the major inspiration of many of my postings. I became more aware of my thoughts and I became more observant of others'. One of the most interesting things that I learned through this program is that we sell out. We not only sell out other people's goals and dreams, we also sell out ours.

"Selling out" might not be how we like to see it. We like to look it as "being reasonable", "evaluating the pros and cons", or "being realistic". All of these have some sort of hidden resignation to it because the next emerging view becomes "this is good enough, so what if we don't have it all"

When I started this program seven months ago, I wanted to make a difference for the people in Taiwan. Many others in our course also had goals to contribute to their communities. As the program continued on, each one of us got a lot of results. The results were amazing and life-changing and I am still intoxicated by our accomplishments. Out of this program, I got a new relationship with my family, friends, myself, and even with Sacramento. I heard myself saying "these results are great and they are good enough for me!" I pat myself on the back for achieving these results... I am not attempting to minimize the accomplishments but the truth is these results were not what I sat out to achieve. As things get harder and tougher, I changed my goals so its smaller and easier. I do this to minimize the risk that I might fail to accomplish what I declared that I would do - The resignation and selling-out are subtle, but they are there nonetheless.

If we do this to ourselves, we will definitely sell-out other people. When others are committed to run a marathon, if they don't complete the 21.4 miles, we compliment them for finishing a half-marathon. If their commitment is to have a great relationship with their spouse or significant other, we give them credit for effort. If our politicians don't implement policies that the voters desire, we get cynical and give them the out by saying "because they are politicians". I am not saying that we shouldn't be there for one another. However, the true support that we can have for one another is not to sell out but support each other in accomplishing what we have declared to achieve.

Memories for Sale

On Valentine's Day morning, Jim drove us to Mill Valley for our first horseback riding at the Five Brooks Stables. The drive to Marin was about an hour and the scenic route through Marin to the stables took us another forty minutes. The windy country roads on a drizzly Saturday morning did not seem like the perfect Valentine's Day present... "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" I kept asking and it was the same answer over and over again. I thought to myself, maybe some flowers, chocolate, and candle light dinner were better gifts, but this was what I always wanted to do so Jim made the arrangement...

Miraculously the weather cleared up before we got to the stables. It stopped drizzling for the most part and the horse owners were waiting for us along with the horses. Jim got a big horse, Sampson, and I got a smaller horse, Danny. Our guide was in a long duster jacket that was muddy and stiff. The jacket and his mannerism almost made him a cowboy except that he works in the woods in California, not Texas.

Our guide gave us a few sentences of instructions on horse-back riding and led us in the woods. I was surprised at how easy it looked to ride horses in movies and how scary it actually is... The horses walked and trotted as we held on to the saddles and our lives... The ride was approximately two hours and my concentration and adrenaline rush exhausted every bit of my energy by the time we completed the ride. This was our first time riding and riding together. The experience was fun, scary, adventurous, exciting, and amazing at the same time. This is the only Valentine's Day present that I haven't forgotten and will not forget... Next Valentine's Day, we will be looking for memories that are for sale!

Someday, Somewhere, Someone Else

When I was a little girl, I always wanted to read the next Arsene Lupin story now, I always want to be at the park to play ‘baseball’ with the neighbors now, and I always want to take that test in school now so I can start playing again. The adults were the ones that always wanted me to wait, to think things through, to get more information. Now that I am an adult, I can’t get pass myself to do the things that bring joy to my life, I always need more information, more motivation, more time, and more support…

The commitments that I made to myself have become a “someday, somewhere, someone else” phenomenon. I will watch Miss Saigon again someday, I will contribute to others in Africa but not to the people around me, and I will protest the system if someone else does it first. Most of us live our lives as if “someday, somewhere, someone else” does exist and we put our dreams and commitments on hold for it. We all know that life is unpredictable and anything could happen with little or no advanced warning, so what if there isn’t another day? We all know that the spatial constraints can be transcended with the current technology, so what if there’s no other place but here? What if that someone that we are hanging our hopes and dreams on is also waiting for someone else or maybe waiting for us? Are we going to wait for an eternity for one another to act? However, waiting for some other time that’s better than this moment, waiting for a place that’s better than here, and waiting for another person to lead us to our dreams seem so logical and adulthood...

Children are so much more fun, exciting, and easy to watch, to be with, and to love. They capture our time, attention, and our hearts because they don’t have the ‘patience’ and ‘excuses’. Children make things happen while we adults wait for things to happen to us. It seems to me that we can live an exciting and fulfilled life if we are willing to stop practicing the “someday, somewhere, someone else” phenomenon that we have created for ourselves as adults. I am going to start practicing having it now, doing it here, and it’s my responsibility. Call me out on it if I am waiting for that "someday, somewhere, someone else" - you’ll be helping me realizing my dreams!

City of Trees

I was driving back to work from the Sacramento Convention Center down J Street and suddenly realized that Sacramento IS the city of trees... I have lived and worked in Sacramento for the past seven years and I have hated being here and complained to many because of the hot weather in the valley, not being close to our families, and that Sacramento isn't peaceful and beautiful enough compared with Madison, Wisconsin and it's not "city" enough like Taipei or San Francisco. To me, Sacramento was a transitory city for a transient like me, and I have a lot of friends that are 'stuck' in Sacramento to prove me right on my perspective on Sacramento!

It was not until recently that I embraced living in Sacramento. This city is not as quiet compared to Madison but it is definitely the more happening capitol of the two. Sacramento is not as "city" compared to San Francisco or Taipei, but it has the trees and spaces that you will not find in those cities... Why did it take me 7 years to finally appreciate the City of Trees? The answer is simple, because I wasn't willing to see what Sacramento offers.

Living in a big city was always my goal for myself after graduate school, to me, Sacramento was not the place that I wanted to live long term so I chose to live here as if I was an outsider even though I was "living" here. I chose not to see the beauty and diversity that Sacramento offers because I might leave here any minute, I chose not to enjoy the house that we purchased because we might sell it soon, and I chose not to create my community here because I was leaving one of these days...

As I drove down J street to come back to work, I realized how much I have missed out for not being present to what this city offers. I just left the Women's Investments Conference listening to Madeline Albright on a Tuesday afternoon about 10 blocks away from work. As I walked back to my car, the sun warmed me up and it was breezy outside. This is February and it was about 60 degrees Fahrenheit... Not only it was a beautiful day out, but I also had the opportunity to listen to one of the most inspirational women in the world. This all happened in the City of Trees the moment that I embraced the City and the moment that I chose to see...

Purpose in Life

I was so heart broken when the War in Gaza killed innocent Palestinians living in the region and no one seemed to care. I was not upset because of the failure of politics or policies but I was so sad that with the number of people dying that rose by the day, no one seemed to care and no one seemed to notice... The death toll is now almost half of what it was for 9/11 but I still don't hear people talking about it... I asked myself: "How can we as a community let this happen?" "How can we not ask questions?" and "how can we not care?" I asked myself so many unanswerable questions and I was sad and resigned. Then, I asked myself this "Is this community deserving of my contribution? Why am I the only one?" I was ready to give up... And then, Dave sat down with me and shared a few things with me, what he said can be summarized by this quote by Andrew Harvey, "If you're really listening. If you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break, it's purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold evermore wonder."

It is easy to give up our commitment for reasons and logic, it is easy to pass on the responsibilities to someone else to step up or speak up, and it is very easy to live small, love small, and play safe. However, being resigned and cynical to the point that we lose our true selves and our commitment because of our fear of failure is no way to be truly happy... If we can fill our lives with commitments that are larger than us, we'll live a fulfilled and purposeful live.

As Martin Luther King said "A man who won't die for something is not fit to live. I am committed to make this an equal world for all. I will speak out for those that don't have a voice, remind the policy makers that there are people watching, I will lend a hand to those in need. From now on, I am ready to have my heart broken over and over again for the cause that I will never fulfill in my life time...

Wedding Jitters

A few glasses of wine, lunch, and a coffee later, Angie, Mariola, and I sat outside of Peet's coffee shop on L street in Sacramento soaking in the weather and doing one of the exercises that Mariola learned from her course.  The conversation was regarding Angela's upcoming move to Poland to be with her fiance.  The exercise drew out the excitement, love, uncertainty, and many many other emotions and thoughts that Angela has over moving to Poland.  This exercise reminded me of my own anxiety before our wedding and the uncertainty that I experienced before tying the knot.

If there is such a thing as being experienced in making the commitment to share one's life with another person, looking back, what are the questions that I would ask myself that would matter and would help me determine whether I am making the correct decision?  There are a lot of great questions such as "are we going to be compatible?", "what does our future look like?", "do we have the same values?", and "is he or she the one for me?"  These are questions that may or may not be answerable but what is worse is that having answers to these questions won't resolve our fear of uncertainty...

If I was to advise my younger self at the juncture of contemplating marriage, I would say to my younger self "Choosing the love your life is easy, you just have to follow your heart.  Loving the love of your life for a life time is the art that you have to master and the challenge that you have to concur because you will have to learn to always listen to your heart and only your heart..."

Perfect As You Are

Recently I was asked by Racel to be Nikki's godmother. Racel brought up the topic before our breakfast trip to the cafeteria in my cube. If you can see our office, this place does not have the ambiance for these kind of occasions. However, I was delighted and honored to be asked and I answered, "Yes, of course!" The first thing that went through my mind was, "me? Godmother? Am I qualified?". Racel went on to say that there are more than one godmothers and Ira will be the main godmother so I don't have to worry about the responsibilities too much. To tell the truth, as soon as Racel posed the first question, I was in my head having a conversation with myself the whole time. "What good qualities do I have to teach this baby?", "Am I really qualified for this?" and "What are the responsibilities of being a good godmother? Maybe I am not fit to be one?"

After a few days and some serious thinking, I realized that there is really nothing that I can teach Nikki but maybe I can be there for her and to take some things away...

Nikki was born perfect and complete and I was a witness of that! The first several years of her life will be worry and anxiety-free and she will live the fullest life and enjoy everyone around her without reservations. The first several years will be adventurous for Nikki and she will experience everything with one hundred percent curiosity and she will be fully present with no concerns of the past or the future! The first several years of Nikki's life, Nikki will be my teacher and I will be there to learn!

Once Nikki gets a little older, she will start to learn the boundaries of this world. She will learn what are good and what are bad behaviors and who is angry, sad, or happy. Nikki will learn the emotions and define the meanings of these feelings for herself. I want to be there to let her know that it is ok to have the emotions and feelings but just don't take them too seriously.

When Nikki becomes an adult, she will have experienced many things on her own. When she has doubts about herself, I will ask her to give them up. When she has doubts about others, I will tell her to listen to her instinct and trust herself. When Nikki gets her heart broken, I will tell her that she will get to love more than once and when she becomes cynical and resigned, I will encourage her to love courageously and not hold back!

I have a lot more learning to do before Nikki becomes a big girl but with her help in the next several years, I will be able to pass on the wisdom back to her! I am delighted to have the opportunity to be part of Nikki's life and I am excited to get to look her in the eyes and say to her "you are perfect as you are".