Leaders

I am the kind of gal that will take over a task, a conversation, a job if given the opportunity. I do this so that things are done more efficiently and effectively, and to make sure conversations continue on with more clarity and achieve their goals... At least these are my intentions and what I perceive to be the "right" way to accomplish the task and/or conversation at that moment... Many might think that achieving effectiveness and efficiencies are leadership qualities but what I realized is that leaders are not leading because of their leadership "qualities" but the "followers" lending their support to the leaders...

When I was assigned to assist in the landmark seminar's set-up team, I thought the job was pretty simple. All we need to do was follow instructions, set-up the sound system, tally the head count, distribute the seminar material. Easy enough, problem solved. I can master tasks like these with my eyes closed. I thought.....

During the seminar, there were a few opportunities that we could have distributed the handouts with the seminar leader's instruction. But since we were running out of time, I asked the manager of the seminar volunteers, "can you request that the seminar leader announce the distribution of these handouts?" (Hey, I want to be efficient and effective so I got to keep asking right? Besides, that was the right thing to do - I told myself) The second time when I asked the same question, the manager gave me a profound answer, he said: "Tim (the seminar leader) has a lot on his mind right now and he needs to get through what he needs to get through. We don't want to interrupt him right now, otherwise he will lose his train of thought. If we have to do it when people are walking out the door, we'll just do that". I replied, "ok" but I was screaming inside... "WHAT??? It's not effective or efficient that way!!! It will only take Tim 3 seconds to announce and take us 30 seconds to distribute then our problem will be solved!!!" We ended up not interrupting the leader which means we spent additional 10 to 20 minutes handing out the course material as people were walking out of the room..... (See, I was right, I thought to myself)

On my drive home, I just couldn't get it... why not do it the more efficient and effective way? why not do it MY way? I am right! See, 33 seconds turned into 20 minutes... Suddenly, one of Tim's acknowledgment popped into my head! Tim always thank us for letting him be the leader, giving him the life that he loves to live in, and he always end the conversation by saying that he loves us because of our generosity. (whenever he says that, I've always just listened but I have never heard what he's really saying) While I was getting ready to exit Sunrise Blvd, I realized that Tim was right!!! Leaders are who they are because the "followers" or "supporters" are willing to give up their "right" and let leaders BE leaders. No matter how great the leader is, if each one of the supporters keep insisting that they are right and their ways are better, there will not be a leader. It will just be a bunch of people arguing about what is right or wrong. However, if people are willing to give up their differences and honor one person, then a leader is born...

So leaders, please remember that you are leading because others are honoring you. The supporters gave up their "right" and stop making you "wrong" so you can be who you are in your community, job, and family. Without the followers, leaders will not exist.

Exchange of emails on marriage & love

Four of us went out to lunch and play cards during lunch time. The discussion of marriage and love came up and it's so interesting that people look at marriage and love so differently but here are some email exchanges after lunch.....

Email from the Professor (our nickname for him)

My friends:
if your duties as happily married couples allows, and you find the time, and you decide to learn what science has to say about the subjects, may I suggest the 2 following books:
1. anatomy of love, written by a professor of psychology at Rutgers university ( she may have moved since the book was published, which was about 15 years ago).
this book is about human relationship and in particular marriage. many scholars since then revisited the concepts of the book, and all those who ( in my personal opinion) believe in science agreed with it.
2. stumbling on happiness, written by a professor of psychology at Harvard. published within the past couple of years. this addresses all human beliefs and behaviour, including getting married, having kids, etc.
I have read at least another 100 books on the subject over years and will be happy to let you know of others, but the above 2 are (in my humble opinion) so matter of fact and undeniably rigorous ( and yet very easy to read) that I think anyone interested in life should read and think about them.

Of course one may believe in marriage, or anything else in life for that matter, based on non scientific concepts. that is a personal choice.

My response:

I love your last line.
Marriage like many other concepts that we humans create and institute on ourselves that have became the norm, the guidelines, and way of life for various of reasons. These creations might have began for practical and economical reasons but love didn't have much to do with it in the first place. These days, marriage has been interpreted to mean very different things, and staying in or getting out of a marriage are for reasons like our insecurity, stable family structure / society, or even a way of controlling our animal instinct.

All this being said, I do believe in love, consuming and hopeless romantic love. I know that passion only last for 18 months, but you can think about it for a life time and that's good enough for me!

His response to my email:

Interesting comments. Marriage and love have for almost all human history been two distinct issues. Love always existed, and marriage was a contract of conveniences. Marrying someone because you love them is a very recent phenomenon, and in west, it more or less started in Victorian times. There is a book ( I believe by a Princeton professor or I may be wrong) called funnily enough " The history of wife". It illustrates the above very nicely.

Love though is perhaps the sweetest experience that we humans ever have. It means different things though; mystics, philosophers, others have thought about its meaning for many years.
Love, even in its Hollywood version, is still sweet and the source of so many great human achievements in arts, etc.

My response:

I agree with you on the concept of marriage, it's especially difficult for Westerners to separate the idea of marriage with love because arranged marriages and other reasons that you marry others are often not discussed here anymore. However, in Taiwan, my mother still want her daughters to marry rich and successful young men. But daughters, dutifully so, refused to listen and married for love. I do have friends that married for financial security, good life, etc and I don't think there's anything wrong with their choices as long as they are responsible for them. Who is there to judge someone like that when you marry for love and still end up in a divorce? As long as you recognize your choices and be fully responsible for the choices that you made, there is very little conflict or suffering. This is an easy concept but hard to implement…..

I can't agree with you more that love is the sweetest experience that we humans have. Therefore, the individualistic point of view that I have adapted over the years of living in the US is the worst addiction that I am trying to kick. Friendships and love for others have never been so present in my life since I took the landmark course and I am treasuring every moment of it.

Love is abundant but it's humans that are resisting the experience….

first attempt

Peishan was the first one that got me interested in blogging and now Danielle is making it a reality for me..... I want to blog to remember, to share, and see how many commitments I can fulfill and how I achieve them.

There are a lot of things that came to mind when I think about living into my future. One is that I am traveling to Italy and Germany with Jim for Kelly's wedding and for Oktoberfest. I am excited that I get to see Kelly in her white gown in Pistoria and I am also looking forward to Oktoberfest in Germany! I am hoping that we can make our way up to Berlin because we have never been there before and maybe we'll be able to catch up with Danielle for some nice German Reislings or beers!

Another thing that I am committed to is to move back to Asia and start our family there. I want to be closer to my family and also re-learn the Asian culture cuz I am quite clueless in that area...

These future commitments are making my everyday life a lot more intersting but it's not to say that it's not hectic either... we'll see what happens and I will have to dream up more things to live into.... got ideas?