Memories for Sale

On Valentine's Day morning, Jim drove us to Mill Valley for our first horseback riding at the Five Brooks Stables. The drive to Marin was about an hour and the scenic route through Marin to the stables took us another forty minutes. The windy country roads on a drizzly Saturday morning did not seem like the perfect Valentine's Day present... "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" I kept asking and it was the same answer over and over again. I thought to myself, maybe some flowers, chocolate, and candle light dinner were better gifts, but this was what I always wanted to do so Jim made the arrangement...

Miraculously the weather cleared up before we got to the stables. It stopped drizzling for the most part and the horse owners were waiting for us along with the horses. Jim got a big horse, Sampson, and I got a smaller horse, Danny. Our guide was in a long duster jacket that was muddy and stiff. The jacket and his mannerism almost made him a cowboy except that he works in the woods in California, not Texas.

Our guide gave us a few sentences of instructions on horse-back riding and led us in the woods. I was surprised at how easy it looked to ride horses in movies and how scary it actually is... The horses walked and trotted as we held on to the saddles and our lives... The ride was approximately two hours and my concentration and adrenaline rush exhausted every bit of my energy by the time we completed the ride. This was our first time riding and riding together. The experience was fun, scary, adventurous, exciting, and amazing at the same time. This is the only Valentine's Day present that I haven't forgotten and will not forget... Next Valentine's Day, we will be looking for memories that are for sale!

Someday, Somewhere, Someone Else

When I was a little girl, I always wanted to read the next Arsene Lupin story now, I always want to be at the park to play ‘baseball’ with the neighbors now, and I always want to take that test in school now so I can start playing again. The adults were the ones that always wanted me to wait, to think things through, to get more information. Now that I am an adult, I can’t get pass myself to do the things that bring joy to my life, I always need more information, more motivation, more time, and more support…

The commitments that I made to myself have become a “someday, somewhere, someone else” phenomenon. I will watch Miss Saigon again someday, I will contribute to others in Africa but not to the people around me, and I will protest the system if someone else does it first. Most of us live our lives as if “someday, somewhere, someone else” does exist and we put our dreams and commitments on hold for it. We all know that life is unpredictable and anything could happen with little or no advanced warning, so what if there isn’t another day? We all know that the spatial constraints can be transcended with the current technology, so what if there’s no other place but here? What if that someone that we are hanging our hopes and dreams on is also waiting for someone else or maybe waiting for us? Are we going to wait for an eternity for one another to act? However, waiting for some other time that’s better than this moment, waiting for a place that’s better than here, and waiting for another person to lead us to our dreams seem so logical and adulthood...

Children are so much more fun, exciting, and easy to watch, to be with, and to love. They capture our time, attention, and our hearts because they don’t have the ‘patience’ and ‘excuses’. Children make things happen while we adults wait for things to happen to us. It seems to me that we can live an exciting and fulfilled life if we are willing to stop practicing the “someday, somewhere, someone else” phenomenon that we have created for ourselves as adults. I am going to start practicing having it now, doing it here, and it’s my responsibility. Call me out on it if I am waiting for that "someday, somewhere, someone else" - you’ll be helping me realizing my dreams!

City of Trees

I was driving back to work from the Sacramento Convention Center down J Street and suddenly realized that Sacramento IS the city of trees... I have lived and worked in Sacramento for the past seven years and I have hated being here and complained to many because of the hot weather in the valley, not being close to our families, and that Sacramento isn't peaceful and beautiful enough compared with Madison, Wisconsin and it's not "city" enough like Taipei or San Francisco. To me, Sacramento was a transitory city for a transient like me, and I have a lot of friends that are 'stuck' in Sacramento to prove me right on my perspective on Sacramento!

It was not until recently that I embraced living in Sacramento. This city is not as quiet compared to Madison but it is definitely the more happening capitol of the two. Sacramento is not as "city" compared to San Francisco or Taipei, but it has the trees and spaces that you will not find in those cities... Why did it take me 7 years to finally appreciate the City of Trees? The answer is simple, because I wasn't willing to see what Sacramento offers.

Living in a big city was always my goal for myself after graduate school, to me, Sacramento was not the place that I wanted to live long term so I chose to live here as if I was an outsider even though I was "living" here. I chose not to see the beauty and diversity that Sacramento offers because I might leave here any minute, I chose not to enjoy the house that we purchased because we might sell it soon, and I chose not to create my community here because I was leaving one of these days...

As I drove down J street to come back to work, I realized how much I have missed out for not being present to what this city offers. I just left the Women's Investments Conference listening to Madeline Albright on a Tuesday afternoon about 10 blocks away from work. As I walked back to my car, the sun warmed me up and it was breezy outside. This is February and it was about 60 degrees Fahrenheit... Not only it was a beautiful day out, but I also had the opportunity to listen to one of the most inspirational women in the world. This all happened in the City of Trees the moment that I embraced the City and the moment that I chose to see...

Purpose in Life

I was so heart broken when the War in Gaza killed innocent Palestinians living in the region and no one seemed to care. I was not upset because of the failure of politics or policies but I was so sad that with the number of people dying that rose by the day, no one seemed to care and no one seemed to notice... The death toll is now almost half of what it was for 9/11 but I still don't hear people talking about it... I asked myself: "How can we as a community let this happen?" "How can we not ask questions?" and "how can we not care?" I asked myself so many unanswerable questions and I was sad and resigned. Then, I asked myself this "Is this community deserving of my contribution? Why am I the only one?" I was ready to give up... And then, Dave sat down with me and shared a few things with me, what he said can be summarized by this quote by Andrew Harvey, "If you're really listening. If you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break, it's purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold evermore wonder."

It is easy to give up our commitment for reasons and logic, it is easy to pass on the responsibilities to someone else to step up or speak up, and it is very easy to live small, love small, and play safe. However, being resigned and cynical to the point that we lose our true selves and our commitment because of our fear of failure is no way to be truly happy... If we can fill our lives with commitments that are larger than us, we'll live a fulfilled and purposeful live.

As Martin Luther King said "A man who won't die for something is not fit to live. I am committed to make this an equal world for all. I will speak out for those that don't have a voice, remind the policy makers that there are people watching, I will lend a hand to those in need. From now on, I am ready to have my heart broken over and over again for the cause that I will never fulfill in my life time...

Wedding Jitters

A few glasses of wine, lunch, and a coffee later, Angie, Mariola, and I sat outside of Peet's coffee shop on L street in Sacramento soaking in the weather and doing one of the exercises that Mariola learned from her course.  The conversation was regarding Angela's upcoming move to Poland to be with her fiance.  The exercise drew out the excitement, love, uncertainty, and many many other emotions and thoughts that Angela has over moving to Poland.  This exercise reminded me of my own anxiety before our wedding and the uncertainty that I experienced before tying the knot.

If there is such a thing as being experienced in making the commitment to share one's life with another person, looking back, what are the questions that I would ask myself that would matter and would help me determine whether I am making the correct decision?  There are a lot of great questions such as "are we going to be compatible?", "what does our future look like?", "do we have the same values?", and "is he or she the one for me?"  These are questions that may or may not be answerable but what is worse is that having answers to these questions won't resolve our fear of uncertainty...

If I was to advise my younger self at the juncture of contemplating marriage, I would say to my younger self "Choosing the love your life is easy, you just have to follow your heart.  Loving the love of your life for a life time is the art that you have to master and the challenge that you have to concur because you will have to learn to always listen to your heart and only your heart..."