Not Enough

The death of Michael Jackson was one of the headlines in the news for the past few days. The first day I heard it, the news was repeated by every single multimedia outlet including NPR. I was driving from Sacramento to San Francisco to complete my communication course on Thursday night when NPR played his music and story. The ride was about two hours and NPR played Michael Jackson news various times. The program talked about his accomplishments, his lawsuits, his bankruptcy, his now cancelled upcoming concerts, and of course his death. I couldn't help but think how sad his life had been...

Michael Jackson is one of the world's most famous musicians if not THE most famous. His MTV videos, music, dance moves, and concerts mesmerized the world. Yet, he continued to change his physical appearance until people looked at him as if he was a monster. While NPR continued playing his life story, I couldn't help but wonder, did this international star have the same insecurities as every single one of us? Did he continue to change his physical appearance because some part of him felt like he wasn't enough? Did the insecurities eventually manifest themselves in areas of his life that made it difficult for him to turn back? Did "not enough" eventually catch up with him even though the world still believed in his talents and him?

Although our insecurities usually don't manifest themselves physically, many do impact our lives in ways that others do not see or cannot fathom. The question "am I enough?" will prompt different people to take different actions. For me, to answer this question for myself, I am driven to learn more, explore more, and do more. For others, the question "am I enough?" might mean that they become secluded, withdrawn, or unfulfilled, etc. I wonder if this is the question that killed the legendary super star Michael Jackson from the inside. Not only did he keep changing his appearance, he also couldn't muster the strength to complete his last round of concert tours. Could the answer to the question "am I enough?" for Michael Jackson eventually ended his life? Despite how much the world believed and loved him and his talents, like the rest of us, he morphed, changed, and suffered because he felt that he was not enough?

Thank You

Pilgrimage is a journey to a shrine or a sacred place. My journey back home to see my mother turned into a 'spiritual' quest where I had a lot of "a-ha" moments that have impacted my life and will continue to shape my future. The results of these life changing light bulb incidents are things that I will share over time, but the journey to these insights is what I am about to write and document so I can remember the trip for myself.

As I have written in "Mother Hen", I traveled home to be with my mother and to appease her while she waits for her lab tests. Fortunately for all of us, doctors cleared her of any life threatening issues as a result of the exams. The realization that one day I will have to be responsible for our family was the opening for insights that I have never seen or inquired for myself before. The fear of uncertainty prior to the trip, the conversations that I had with friends regarding past, future, choices, and consequences, the movies that I watched while in Taiwan (Departures, Revolutionary Road, Marley & Me), and all the support from friends and family transformed a trip home into a pilgrimage.

I learned from this trip that when there is uncertainty in life, you should keep an open mind and surround yourself with people who support and challenge your beliefs & thoughts. By doing so, you create an opening for inquiries and possibly pathways that you can take. Being open, generous, and willing to share life actually allow life to present itself in ways that you could not have predicted. On this trip, with the amazing and loving community that I have, I was able to accomplish everything that I set out to achieve and sort out life decisions that I didn't intend or knew that I could complete. I am looking forward to have the results of this journey manifest themselves in my life and being more awake. I want to thank those of you who have contributed to this expedition - for all of your time, support, and love that you have shared on this life changing journey of mine. Thank you...

Better Than a Dog?

Comedy drama was never really my thing because I usually don't get a lot of out of them. I like action movies where I am engaged in non-stop bombardment for the duration of the movie but forget about the movie after it ends. Or, I like to watch movies that are thought provoking or introduce me to something new, where the impact of the movie stays with me for a long time, sometimes even life changing. To kill time and to try something different, I watched Marley & Me while I was in Taiwan. To my surprise, I have been thinking about the movie ever since I watched it. (What do I know! Try something new, learn something new!)

It was not the purchase of a clearance puppy, the behavior of a dog from hell, or even the acceptance of Marley by the entire family that captured my heart. It was the last quote of the movie that kept me wondering about our relationships, our friendships, and our impact on others. The quote goes: " A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

How many friends or family members do you have who are more accepting than dogs and will never judge you? How many friends or family members do you have who are more loving than dogs and will love you regardless of the circumstances that you face in life? How many friends or family members will give you their hearts and protect yours like a dog will with its seemingly innate loyalty? How many people in your life will only see you as nothing less than extraordinary? How many people, really? Isn't it sad that we don't have a lot of friends or family members that are better than dogs?

If you turn these questions around and ask yourself, "do you judge people that you love?", "do you love them regardless of their intelligence, material possessions, choices that they make for their lives?", "do you give your love ones your heart and protect theirs like the most precious gift that you have ever received?", "do you see your friends and family members as nothing less than amazing, pure, and extraordinary?", and "are you a better than a dog friend or family member for people that you love?" If you are not better than a dog for those people that you care for, can you imagine who you are for those that you don't truly love?

We crave so desperately for connection, relationships, and love but we are so unwilling to give up judgement, boundaries, and walls. Next time when we don't have the relationship of our dreams, maybe we should ask ourselves, "what are some qualities that man's best friend have that we lack?". The answer might provide us with some access to be a better than a dog friend or family member to those that we love and care for.

Hand

Aunt, uncle, parents, and I crammed around the small round table in the nook for dinner. We had our home cooked meal and wine. Wine or any kind of alcohol is rare in the Chen household if you can believe it, but tonight was different, we celebrated the good news on mom's lab results. According to the blood tests and doctors' diagnoses, our worries about mom's health were unwarranted.

After a delicious home cooked meal, Dad and I took a walk in the dimly lit courtyard by our house. I often walked with dad with his arm in mine but as we walked up the stairs, I took his hand instead. This was the first time since I was a little girl that I held his hand, it must have been more than 20 years... It was awkward in the beginning and we both tried to make small talk trying to ignore the the hand-holding situation but we got used to it less than 10 meters into our walk. Our palms were interlocked while we strolled down the courtyard, we swung our hands gently to match our steps. I thought of thousands of questions that I want to ask Dad... Questions that are personal like "do you have a satisfying life?", "how do you really feel about your past?", "do you have any life lessons that you want to share with me?", "do you miss not having us around for almost 20 years of your life?" Dad and I never discuss anything of this sort, we talked about things on the surface, not our feelings, not our lives, not our struggles in life... Then dad said, "I am glad that your mom's lab results showed nothing serious, she's not like me, I have gone through all those surgeries and fought for my life, but she's not that type..." I nodded in agreement and we walked a little bit more, I sought out the opportunity and asked "Dad, in those moments of life when you feel like you have failed in health or in your career, what drives you to fight? What motivate you to stand up and go on? Aren't you ever scared?" We turned the corner in the courtyard and dad said, "of course I was scared and very afraid, you take calculated risk but things don't always turn out. You just have to march on! I was always very very scared" As I listened to him, a guest of his walked towards us. I interrupted dad by shaking his hand and pointing our hands to the direction of the guest. It took dad a second to see the guest in the dark then dad greeted him.

Tonight, I wasn't resentful that dad's friend or business partner once again took precedent over our conversation like how I have always felt and reacted in the past. I was happy that I got to share that short moment with dad but sad that I waited so long to walk with him like this... This could have been happening all these years but I was too busy, too afraid, or too proud to generate these magical moments just by holding his hand.

Dad and I walked home hand-in-hand with his friend following beside us. I left them in the living room and went up to the guest bedroom.

Dad has aged but his hand is still soft, bony, and a little stiff...

I sobbed in the guest bedroom wishing and hoping that there are a lot more of these moments to come.

Unlikely Friendship

The flight from San Francisco to Narita was about 11 hours, I got on the plane, got out of my books and sat down next to Jeff, a cookbook writer flying to Thailand. Little did I know, I didn't need the books. Jeff and I talked, listened, and drank for 11 hours straight and we went from strangers to life committees who shared our lives.

The united flight charged $6 for a drink on our international flight. To save money, Jeff and I bought a bottle of Johnny Walker black label from the duty free cart from the flight attendants and we secretly poured our drinks while the beverage carts went up and down the aisles. Mixed with our conversations, the black label was surprisingly sobering and the life stories that we shared were touching, moving, and inspiring. Jeff showed me the pictures of where he would be living in Thailand, I felt like he carried a part of my concerns for him and part of my desire to explore the world to this remote village close to the border of Cambodia.

This flight was the most amazing flight that I have ever had. I got to know and almost live Jeff's life just sitting next to him on this plane. How many people with great life stories have sat next to me and I have passed up the opportunity to meet, to know, to love, to understand? How many of these opportunities do I get to have in a life time? What are the chances that a passenger on the flight or even a close friend inspire and touch your heart?

We arrived Narita airport buzzed and the last bit of Johnny Walker black was confiscated by Japanese immigration officers (I offered to the officer and told her that she should take it home and she thanked me. How polite!) We sat by my gate to continue my trip to Taipei and then I saw tears in his eyes... Jeff just got out of a long marriage the morning that we met on the plane. I saw in Jeff's eyes - humanity, uncertainty, love, and his unwillingness to hurt anyone. I gave him a hug and told him that things will be ok and one of those mornings, he'll wake up and everything will be fine. Then, I saw the doubt in his eyes but he promised that he'd let me know if that morning arrives for him.

The goodbye was bitter and sweet because I know, for some reason, the passenger that I sat next to on this flight to Narita will forever keep part of my heart and thoughts with him in his remote village in Thailand. My life will be forever changed because of meeting Jeff in that he inspired me to be courageous, to pursue my dreams, to never believe that it's too late to change and do something that you love. And, yes, this unlikely friendship began on united flight 853.

Mother Hen

I don't know about your culture and what roles mothers play, but in my culture, mothers are the matriarch of the Chinese households. It may not seem like our mothers are the head of households or decision makers, but they often protect their husbands' pride while making important decisions.  In my mother's generation, a lot of females grown to become the anchors or conduits of the family.

Mid-afternoon today, I got an email from Angie and she told me that mom had some symptoms that might indicate something serious. I called mom from work but didn't get much useful information from her since she hasn't had her lab results returned. The ride home from work was a grueling one - I thought about how I never thought that mom will not be around, how I always find refuge at home no matter what happens in this world because of mom, and how I know that I am always loved no matter what I do because of mom's wicked but loving acceptance. I just have never imagined that one day, she will no longer be there... Ever...

As I drove down highway 50, I realized that I have acquired a lot of her qualities over the years, I have grown to be responsible for our family, and I am also mature enough to take over her responsibilities as a sister, wife, mother, and grandmother-to-be.  I might not be as loving as mom is with Angie, I might not be as patient as mom is with Dad, I might not be as generous as mom is with aunt Chingmei, but I am confident that I am now old enough to share the responsibilities of a mother hen.  I know that mom's healthy diet and lifestyle will continue to provide her the strength in her ability to recover from whatever it is that she will be facing, but it is also gratifying to see for myself that I can be relied upon to fill her role as the conduit and provide strength to our family...