Four of us went out to lunch and play cards during lunch time. The discussion of marriage and love came up and it's so interesting that people look at marriage and love so differently but here are some email exchanges after lunch.....
Email from the Professor (our nickname for him)
My friends:
if your duties as happily married couples allows, and you find the time, and you decide to learn what science has to say about the subjects, may I suggest the 2 following books:
1. anatomy of love, written by a professor of psychology at Rutgers university ( she may have moved since the book was published, which was about 15 years ago).
this book is about human relationship and in particular marriage. many scholars since then revisited the concepts of the book, and all those who ( in my personal opinion) believe in science agreed with it.
2. stumbling on happiness, written by a professor of psychology at Harvard. published within the past couple of years. this addresses all human beliefs and behaviour, including getting married, having kids, etc.
I have read at least another 100 books on the subject over years and will be happy to let you know of others, but the above 2 are (in my humble opinion) so matter of fact and undeniably rigorous ( and yet very easy to read) that I think anyone interested in life should read and think about them.
Of course one may believe in marriage, or anything else in life for that matter, based on non scientific concepts. that is a personal choice.
My response:
I love your last line.
Marriage like many other concepts that we humans create and institute on ourselves that have became the norm, the guidelines, and way of life for various of reasons. These creations might have began for practical and economical reasons but love didn't have much to do with it in the first place. These days, marriage has been interpreted to mean very different things, and staying in or getting out of a marriage are for reasons like our insecurity, stable family structure / society, or even a way of controlling our animal instinct.
All this being said, I do believe in love, consuming and hopeless romantic love. I know that passion only last for 18 months, but you can think about it for a life time and that's good enough for me!
His response to my email:
Interesting comments. Marriage and love have for almost all human history been two distinct issues. Love always existed, and marriage was a contract of conveniences. Marrying someone because you love them is a very recent phenomenon, and in west, it more or less started in Victorian times. There is a book ( I believe by a Princeton professor or I may be wrong) called funnily enough " The history of wife". It illustrates the above very nicely.
Love though is perhaps the sweetest experience that we humans ever have. It means different things though; mystics, philosophers, others have thought about its meaning for many years.
Love, even in its Hollywood version, is still sweet and the source of so many great human achievements in arts, etc.
My response:
I agree with you on the concept of marriage, it's especially difficult for Westerners to separate the idea of marriage with love because arranged marriages and other reasons that you marry others are often not discussed here anymore. However, in Taiwan, my mother still want her daughters to marry rich and successful young men. But daughters, dutifully so, refused to listen and married for love. I do have friends that married for financial security, good life, etc and I don't think there's anything wrong with their choices as long as they are responsible for them. Who is there to judge someone like that when you marry for love and still end up in a divorce? As long as you recognize your choices and be fully responsible for the choices that you made, there is very little conflict or suffering. This is an easy concept but hard to implement…..
I can't agree with you more that love is the sweetest experience that we humans have. Therefore, the individualistic point of view that I have adapted over the years of living in the US is the worst addiction that I am trying to kick. Friendships and love for others have never been so present in my life since I took the landmark course and I am treasuring every moment of it.
Love is abundant but it's humans that are resisting the experience….
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