Concrete Jungle

We passed through Thai immigration with no problem.  The immigration officer seemed to think Ryan was very cute.  At the end of her questioning (mostly questioning Angela, who can communicate with her), she grabbed Ryan’s hand and said her goodbye.  I caught myself thinking, “the American immigration officer would never do that! Why is it that everything needs to be so ‘professional’ and ‘non-human’ in the US?”

The Bangkok airport reminds me of most major airports that I have been to.  The airports are large, plain, and not very welcoming.  Walkways in the airports are usually lit with florescent lights and the walls are plastic and flooring blah.  The oversized conveyor belts and silver panels that wrap around baggage claim are probably the most interesting things on the arrival side of the airport.  At least the kids tend to think so…

The flight arrived at 2am so claiming luggage was a piece of cake.  After I changed Ryan in the restroom, Angela and Jim already had all of our 8 pieces of luggage and carry-ons.  (Mostly Ryan’s stuff)  As we met up with Jok (Angela’s personal taxi driver – yes, there’s such a thing) and his friend, the humidity and heat at the parking lot made me realize that this is going to be a completely different living environment and experience for Ryan.  I took Ryan out of his baby-bjorn and the extra layer of clothing, then sat in the car behind the driver seat with my arms around him.  If we get into an accident, Jok will be the human airbag and I will be the steadfast car seat…

The drive to Angela’s from the airport is approximately 30 minutes without traffic.  Since it was 3 in the morning, the only traffic was trucks going up and down the highway.  The shadows created by the orange-yellow colored light rays can be dizzying if the car is going too fast.  Ryan was in my arms with his eyes wide open.  I wondered what he thinks of moving from tree-lined streets in Gold River to a city woven with concrete…  I grew up in a city like Bangkok but I never realized how different it could be for someone else.  Not that I didn’t realize the differences between Gold River and Bangkok but it never occurred to me that the differences would be so vast, shocking or unsettling to others.  I am lucky to have lived in both places and have both places represent normalcy for me.  Ryan now will have the opportunity to live in a concrete jungle like Bangkok and have it be 'normal' for him.

Jok pulled over and told us that his propane converted energy efficient car won’t be able to make it.  The car either needs more propane or it needs fixing (that's right, 3 am in the morning). We decided to get an “unrelated” taxi to haul us in.  As we stood in the middle of nowhere hailing for a cab, everyone seems stressed out but I thought it was kind of funny and neat.  I don't expect everything to work in Bangkok like how things are back home...  The second cab came and we hopped in.  This taxi driver was younger and he drove a lot faster.  I held on to Ryan tighter than the previous ride trying to stabilize him so he doesn’t fly out of my arms when the driver hits the potholes.  Our taxi sped through the streets like an arrow in the middle of the night – I felt like we were in one of those movies during a car chase scene.  15 minutes later, we got to our destination safely but both Ryan and I were sweaty, sticky, and probably stinky (for different reasons).   I got out of the car satisfied because I know that Ryan will have an interesting time here in Thailand.  If he doesn’t remember, we will remind him.  Not from our perspective, but from his – from a perspective that’s novel.

Reflecting on 2009

Our 2009 started at Suzanne's New Year's party and ended with Ryan arriving to our family and staying with us in Sacramento.  This year has been everywhere.  It was extremely busy but exciting.  It was chaotic but definitely fulfilling.  It was packed with challenges, love, frustrations, unknowns, surprises, friendships, ups and downs, but mostly -  life itself...

As I reflect on 2009 and reading the blog post "Curious & Beautiful 2009", I see that my 2009 was definitely a year filled with a lot of unknowns that required a lot of curiosity to explore and enjoy these uncharted territories.  The year started with the last stretch of the Introduction Leader's Program.  This is the program that I spent 7 months with an action packed schedule to lead introductions.  The program ended in March of 2009.  From then, Angela, Mariola, Andrew, the Kershek's, the Chen's, Frank, Kelly, and Danielle visited us in Sacramento from all over the world.  On these visits, we went to Napa Valley for new wines and we also tried new wineries in Placerville, the Foothills, and Amador County.   During this time, Nikki turned one year old and we partied up with tons of kids and adults, and I also flew back to Taiwan to support my mom with her doctor visits.  By the time we celebrated Lucy's 22nd birthday, summer was almost over.  Shortly after July, I started a new job with the Infrastructure group learning about investing in infrastructure assets for the pension fund.  I traveled to DC for a conference and it opened my eyes to a different perspective of how this country is run and how policies are established.  Angela moved in with us in September and we threw a 'semi-surprise' party for Jim's 33rd birthday.  From there, we went to a comedy show, a world music festival, Halloween bar hop, Thanksgiving Run to Feed the Hungry , cooking Thanksgiving meal for the family, Black Friday shopping, family gatherings, Christmas, and finally New Year's eve...

I took up belly dancing in the beginning of the year and it made me feel sexy so I was confident enough to cut my hair short!  The communication courses, new job, the conference that I attended, and the material that I have learned over this year made me feel a little smarter and more beautiful inside.  I also bought cookbooks and looked up recipes online to cook Persian and Indian food as ways to explore and expand my understanding of spices and different types of cuisine...  I also felt more fit having completed the Thanksgiving Run in my goal time (1 hour and 20 minutes plus some seconds) and I felt accomplished and powerful becoming a top 20 fundraiser for the Run.

Although I didn't succeed in taking a piano lesson, golfing more, and cooking three times a week, I feel that I have achieved having a curious and beautiful year.  I learned that I have the capacity to be beautiful inside and out if I allow myself to be curious.  Because of the 2009 theme, I have improved my ability to accept compliments from others and own up to my achievements.  During this year, I have also experienced a tremendous amount of love from all of my friends, family, and most amazingly from Ryan.  With Ryan's arrival, love and parenthood have a completely new meaning to me and I know that Ryan will continue to surprise me.

I can't wait to set a new theme for 2010 and experience another action packed beautiful year!

Your 1st Christmas Eve

Dear Baby Ryan,
This is your 7th week in this world and your first Christmas Eve.  Yes, it is still a little hard to imagine when the doctors pulled you out of your mother's tummy - you were purple, slimy, quiet, and almost lifeless.....  Tonight is Christmas eve, your uncle Jim, mommy, and I played scrabble, had snacks, and drank wines just like some of those evenings before you were born.  Tonight, you were sitting in your swing with your pacifier, listening to Christmas music, and staring right back at us.....

Ryan, I know that you are leaving in the next three weeks or so to go back to Thailand with your mother but I want you to know that the time that we have spent together changed your uncle Jim and I - forever...  Your uncle Jim has never changed a diaper in his life even though Zoe and Gabe were his first niece and nephew.  Now, not only that uncle Jim is an expert in diaper changing, he is also a well-trained baby-burper, car-seat securer, and sometimes even as your baby mattress.  As for me, not only you are the first baby diaper that I have ever changed, I also embraced the baby squeal that I once can't tolerate.  These days, every time when you cry with your high pitch voice, I just know that if I did something different, you'd be more comfortable and you'd quiet down.  It has become my responsibility to ensure that your needs are met.  And that, is a new concept to me...

As I sipped the last glass of Merlot and listened to Josh Groban with you on my chest, tears almost fell out of my eyes...  What I want for you baby Ryan is the best that there is to have, and I wish you the best for you when you go to Thailand with your mother.  No matter what life throws at you, you'll always have your uncle Jim and I here thinking, missing, and wishing you the best.....  Ryan, thank you for having changed our lives, thank you for only demanded what you needed and not more, and thank you for allowing us to contribute to your life the only way we know how.  Watching you grow day after day is one of the biggest reward in life that I have ever experienced.  Thank you Ryan, and good luck.  We will miss you terribly...

Auntie Anny

Beautiful Lifestyle

I was in the backyard with my mother yesterday afternoon.  Mom enjoys having fresh cut flowers in the house and she was going around our backyard trying to get leafy greens for the flower arrangement.  We trimmed little shrubs and potted plants, and we walked around the back and side yard to discuss how to care for different types of plants.  Mom has always enjoyed gardening and she is the only one in our family who knows how to do all of that.  She has the green thumb.

Mom used to have a huge backyard in Taipei but ever since dad got sick, mom traded her house in the "mountains" for a house in the city so she doesn't have the space to garden anymore.  She does what she can in the balconies and outside of her front door, and she also supplement the lack of garden with fresh cut flowers all over the house.  Although our backyard in California has not been kept up like her old yard, she enjoyed going around and finding the things that she needs to arrange flowers.  After she found everything that she needed in our yard, she came up with three different 'styles' of flower arrangements in three different vases.  I was amazed by the kind of material that she was able to collect and by her creativity for arranging the flowers the way she did...  I could tell that she was happy.  Not only she had the opportunity to work in the yard, to create something beautiful, but best of all, it was free!

After we came in to the house, she admired the flower that she put together through our family room window that faces the pool, then she said "beauty in one's in lifestyle is a creation, and it's not to be taken for granted."

Mom has always been someone who's into making her home and her life beautiful, but I have always had a judgement about her wanting to look good for others.  Last night, when she said what she said, it was the first time that I heard what she was really saying, and what she said had a completely different impact on me.  I saw for myself that I have never cared or valued anything about having a beautiful house, having a well decorated bedroom, or a well maintained backyard.  To me, those are just extra work that creates no added value.   Because I have never placed any value on having a beautiful home or lifestyle, I have never understood that this was a way that my mother contribute to our lives.

Yesterday was the first time I realized how my 'correct' values can blind me from appreciating others' contribution, yesterday was the first time I appreciated my mother's effort of making my house a beautiful home, and yesterday was the first time I can share her joy for having contributed to our lives.

24

Dear baby Ryan,

Being beside you for the first 24 hours of your life has been truly miraculous and transformational for your auntie Anny and our whole family. I am amazed at how you can be so little yet so powerful in changing all of our lives. With your arrival, my sister became your mother, my parents became your grandparents, my husband became your uncle, and I became someone who knows that I am capable of taking care of a little baby like you.

Last night, you slept on the sofa bed in the hospital with me swaddled like a little cocoon. Whenever you had your reflexes or little tremors, you'd wake me up, I'd rub your little cocoon, and you'd fall asleep again. You kept up with your little movements all night and I'd wake up to make sure that you were doing well. Sometimes, you'd fall asleep after a longer rub but sometimes you'd fall right back to sleep. When you go back to sleep quickly, I'd watch you laying there with your eyes forming two little dashes going across your face. You looked content, at peace, and well-adjusted and I asked myself, "Is Ryan's first night in our world a good experience for him?" Ryan, you see, all of us adults have issues that we are dealing with in this world that do not give us the kind of peace and satisfaction that I see in you. However, watching you last night made me realize that we were all born the same way you were - peaceful, content, perfect, and whole.

Baby Ryan, you were being a little baby last night but I saw the capacity and possibility of motherhood for me. My age old fear of not being a good enough mother was melted away by the peace that poured out of you. Your first 24 hours convinced me that I am capable of being a loving mother. So what's next? I just can't wait to journey into the future with you!