24

Dear baby Ryan,

Being beside you for the first 24 hours of your life has been truly miraculous and transformational for your auntie Anny and our whole family. I am amazed at how you can be so little yet so powerful in changing all of our lives. With your arrival, my sister became your mother, my parents became your grandparents, my husband became your uncle, and I became someone who knows that I am capable of taking care of a little baby like you.

Last night, you slept on the sofa bed in the hospital with me swaddled like a little cocoon. Whenever you had your reflexes or little tremors, you'd wake me up, I'd rub your little cocoon, and you'd fall asleep again. You kept up with your little movements all night and I'd wake up to make sure that you were doing well. Sometimes, you'd fall asleep after a longer rub but sometimes you'd fall right back to sleep. When you go back to sleep quickly, I'd watch you laying there with your eyes forming two little dashes going across your face. You looked content, at peace, and well-adjusted and I asked myself, "Is Ryan's first night in our world a good experience for him?" Ryan, you see, all of us adults have issues that we are dealing with in this world that do not give us the kind of peace and satisfaction that I see in you. However, watching you last night made me realize that we were all born the same way you were - peaceful, content, perfect, and whole.

Baby Ryan, you were being a little baby last night but I saw the capacity and possibility of motherhood for me. My age old fear of not being a good enough mother was melted away by the peace that poured out of you. Your first 24 hours convinced me that I am capable of being a loving mother. So what's next? I just can't wait to journey into the future with you!

Sickness Update

I didn't want to put this on the blog but felt like it is important enough for people to know about it so here you go...

A colleague of mine got sick about two weeks ago and I talked her for about 30mins and 2 hours after our conversation, I was dizzy and I came down with a flu right away. I had a fever and body ache but I went about my business for about 10 more days. Three days ago, everything went down hill... My fever wouldn't break, my headache won't go away, the chest congestion and cough just kicked in. I've never felt so bad before that I couldn't go to work or do anything else, so I knew that the cold was bad. Yes, I suspected that it was H1N1 but had to get tested to know for sure right?

So, I went to the hospital to see my primary care doctor, she prescribed a few medications for my symptoms while she sat about 6 feet away from me while we were both wearing surgical masks. She said that everything was fine and there wasn't a need to get tested for H1N1 or getting the Tamiflu or other antiviral drugs. I was sitting there thinking, if everything is ok, why are you sitting so far away from me with your mask on? I went home, took all the meds, and woke up the next morning didn't feel a tad better.

At the suggestion of my wise mother, I went to the ER the next day and found out the reasons that my primary care doctor didn't want to get me tested. This is what I want to share with those of you who are in the US... The ER doctor told me that they have had a lot of patients that came in with influenza. The seasonal influenza actually kills more people than then H1N1 (or swine flu) and since Northern California only has one laboratory that can test for H1N1, doctors in ER have been ordered by CDC not to send tests to labs but just prescribe antiviral drugs for those that go in with flu like symptoms.

This experience tells me that the CDC no longer tracks the number of patients with H1N1 and it is far more prevalent than we think. You probably had it, fought it off, and passed it to someone else already... Whoever has flu like symptoms that last longer than usual should get yourself treated right away with antiviral drugs. In the mean time, stay away from your healthy family members and wear a mask to prevent giving the flu to others if you have to go somewhere public. Kids and pregnant women are especially high risk. And to avoid complications, stay away from aspirin and aspirin related products if you suspect that you have H1N1.

I did get my antiviral medicine from the ER but never got tested for H1N1. I'm ordered not to go into work for a week... so good luck everyone, stay healthy!

Brave Mothers

Jim and I took Angela to the airport today to catch her flight to Boston. As she went by the person that checked her ID, tears rolled down my face... It was not because she is going to Boston for work for the next couple of weeks with Ryan, it was not because I won't see Ryan & Angela for the next 3 or so weeks, but because I realized how "normal" it was for her to travel to all these places for work being pregnant with Ryan by herself.

Mothers were not born mothers. They were born as someone's daughter, treasured, pampered, and sometimes treated like little princesses. Mothers did not grow up as mothers, the grew up as someone's sister, someone's friend, and someone's lover. Mothers are foremost daughters, lovers, then mothers.

Career women want to be successful, accomplished, and have the financial independence and freedom to make, save, and spend money. Women in love want be loved and cared for. Women in general want to be beautiful and desired... Pregnant mothers set aside all of their concerns and assume a new role as mothers-to-be for a baby that they are carrying whom they have never met.

Pregnant mothers carry the weight that they never wanted to gain, go to work as if the large belly wasn't there, and they go on with their day to day activity whether they enjoy their pregnancy experience or not... they just go on. Aren't they concerned about the weight gain and permanent stretch mark? Aren't they concerned about the loss of independence after giving birth? Aren't they concerned about their beauty and not being desired? Yet, they set their fears aside and press on with courage.

I am not pretending that I understand the thoughts and emotions of a pregnant mother but from what I observe, they are more brave than people give them credit for. Their babies are primary and their fears and concerns are secondary...

To all of my friends that are mothers and considering to be mothers. I appreciate your courage and bravery on a whole new level now... Angela, thank you for making me see all of this by being you, being who you have always been despite your worries and concerns...

Lifestyle Choices

Recently I have had a lot of baby conversations, not regarding raising a baby, but about lifestyle changes when one chooses to have children. People choose to have kids for different reasons. It can be as biological as it is an extension of one's genes, or it can be as matter of fact as that's what you do after you get married, or sometimes, it can sound as ridiculous as kids can bridge the gap of a dysfunctional marriage... No matter what the reasons are, the truth of the matter is that children will change your lifestyle, whether you like it or not.

I have talked to enough parents to know that the lifestyle change and how you feel about having kids cannot be planned or anticipated. Once you have them, you'll enjoy them the way you never thought you would and they will forever change your lifestyle like you have never expected.

I know that if Jim and I have kids, I will enjoy the children to no end and whatever lifestyle choices I have to change or modify, I will do so without much hesitation. However, this is not to say that I don't enjoy our lifestyle right now and I have absolutely no problem in continuing this lifestyle that we currently have. The choices that we make without kids only involve two of us and occasionally our cats. The money that we make is spent for our enjoyment on travel, wine, and good food. The time that we have is for us as individuals or as a couple. The choices that we make for our lives only directly impact Jim and I...

People that choose to have kids took a different path than people that choose not to have children. Both groups will have the enjoyment and lifestyle that the other group will never experience. So, my dear friends that have children, don't be envious of our trips because we don't have cute little ones to go home to just yet. When I am jealous of your cute little babies and attempt to take them home, remind me that I don't have to change diapers or drink costco-sized vodka to drown out the irritation on a day to day basis... These are just lifestyle choices - no one choice is better or worse than the other.

Am I With You?

Have you ever had the experience of talking to someone and you just know that they are not there? They hear what you have to say, but they are not really listening. Under the best case scenario, they can repeat everything that you just said back to you like a parrot, but they are not really listening. They are not "with you" in that moment and I am very guilty of not being present...

We value efficiency so much these days that our listening of others and our being with others suffer. We multi-task, we produce, but we are so rarely present.

On my drive to collect Jim in San Francisco this evening, I was surprised to see the green rice field that was glistening under the sun beneath the highway. In that moment, I realized that I have never been present to my drive from Sacramento to San Francisco ever! It was always let's get there while I listen to the radio or talk on the phone, finish what I have to do in the city, and rush right back. Tonight, I drove by golden, pink, red, and white wild flowers that lined the highway, I came down from a hill that had an amazing view of the Bay covered with tall, burnt, yellow grasses. I saw the moon sitting high up on the sky to my left and the sun setting on my right. By the time I crossed the Bay Bridge, it was dark and the moon was hiding behind misty clouds. I was shocked when I caught a glimpse of the city while on the bridge and I kept wondering how beautiful, how majestic, and how perfect the view was... I didn't want that moment to end so I secretly wished that the drive was longer so that the view would linger.

I took the same route that I always take when I visit San Francisco, but being present made the drive not just tolerable but amazingly beautiful. If I am with you, and really there with you, all the conversations that we have and our time together should always be just as memorable and just as profoundly beautiful as this trip.