Reflecting on 2009

Our 2009 started at Suzanne's New Year's party and ended with Ryan arriving to our family and staying with us in Sacramento.  This year has been everywhere.  It was extremely busy but exciting.  It was chaotic but definitely fulfilling.  It was packed with challenges, love, frustrations, unknowns, surprises, friendships, ups and downs, but mostly -  life itself...

As I reflect on 2009 and reading the blog post "Curious & Beautiful 2009", I see that my 2009 was definitely a year filled with a lot of unknowns that required a lot of curiosity to explore and enjoy these uncharted territories.  The year started with the last stretch of the Introduction Leader's Program.  This is the program that I spent 7 months with an action packed schedule to lead introductions.  The program ended in March of 2009.  From then, Angela, Mariola, Andrew, the Kershek's, the Chen's, Frank, Kelly, and Danielle visited us in Sacramento from all over the world.  On these visits, we went to Napa Valley for new wines and we also tried new wineries in Placerville, the Foothills, and Amador County.   During this time, Nikki turned one year old and we partied up with tons of kids and adults, and I also flew back to Taiwan to support my mom with her doctor visits.  By the time we celebrated Lucy's 22nd birthday, summer was almost over.  Shortly after July, I started a new job with the Infrastructure group learning about investing in infrastructure assets for the pension fund.  I traveled to DC for a conference and it opened my eyes to a different perspective of how this country is run and how policies are established.  Angela moved in with us in September and we threw a 'semi-surprise' party for Jim's 33rd birthday.  From there, we went to a comedy show, a world music festival, Halloween bar hop, Thanksgiving Run to Feed the Hungry , cooking Thanksgiving meal for the family, Black Friday shopping, family gatherings, Christmas, and finally New Year's eve...

I took up belly dancing in the beginning of the year and it made me feel sexy so I was confident enough to cut my hair short!  The communication courses, new job, the conference that I attended, and the material that I have learned over this year made me feel a little smarter and more beautiful inside.  I also bought cookbooks and looked up recipes online to cook Persian and Indian food as ways to explore and expand my understanding of spices and different types of cuisine...  I also felt more fit having completed the Thanksgiving Run in my goal time (1 hour and 20 minutes plus some seconds) and I felt accomplished and powerful becoming a top 20 fundraiser for the Run.

Although I didn't succeed in taking a piano lesson, golfing more, and cooking three times a week, I feel that I have achieved having a curious and beautiful year.  I learned that I have the capacity to be beautiful inside and out if I allow myself to be curious.  Because of the 2009 theme, I have improved my ability to accept compliments from others and own up to my achievements.  During this year, I have also experienced a tremendous amount of love from all of my friends, family, and most amazingly from Ryan.  With Ryan's arrival, love and parenthood have a completely new meaning to me and I know that Ryan will continue to surprise me.

I can't wait to set a new theme for 2010 and experience another action packed beautiful year!

Your 1st Christmas Eve

Dear Baby Ryan,
This is your 7th week in this world and your first Christmas Eve.  Yes, it is still a little hard to imagine when the doctors pulled you out of your mother's tummy - you were purple, slimy, quiet, and almost lifeless.....  Tonight is Christmas eve, your uncle Jim, mommy, and I played scrabble, had snacks, and drank wines just like some of those evenings before you were born.  Tonight, you were sitting in your swing with your pacifier, listening to Christmas music, and staring right back at us.....

Ryan, I know that you are leaving in the next three weeks or so to go back to Thailand with your mother but I want you to know that the time that we have spent together changed your uncle Jim and I - forever...  Your uncle Jim has never changed a diaper in his life even though Zoe and Gabe were his first niece and nephew.  Now, not only that uncle Jim is an expert in diaper changing, he is also a well-trained baby-burper, car-seat securer, and sometimes even as your baby mattress.  As for me, not only you are the first baby diaper that I have ever changed, I also embraced the baby squeal that I once can't tolerate.  These days, every time when you cry with your high pitch voice, I just know that if I did something different, you'd be more comfortable and you'd quiet down.  It has become my responsibility to ensure that your needs are met.  And that, is a new concept to me...

As I sipped the last glass of Merlot and listened to Josh Groban with you on my chest, tears almost fell out of my eyes...  What I want for you baby Ryan is the best that there is to have, and I wish you the best for you when you go to Thailand with your mother.  No matter what life throws at you, you'll always have your uncle Jim and I here thinking, missing, and wishing you the best.....  Ryan, thank you for having changed our lives, thank you for only demanded what you needed and not more, and thank you for allowing us to contribute to your life the only way we know how.  Watching you grow day after day is one of the biggest reward in life that I have ever experienced.  Thank you Ryan, and good luck.  We will miss you terribly...

Auntie Anny

Beautiful Lifestyle

I was in the backyard with my mother yesterday afternoon.  Mom enjoys having fresh cut flowers in the house and she was going around our backyard trying to get leafy greens for the flower arrangement.  We trimmed little shrubs and potted plants, and we walked around the back and side yard to discuss how to care for different types of plants.  Mom has always enjoyed gardening and she is the only one in our family who knows how to do all of that.  She has the green thumb.

Mom used to have a huge backyard in Taipei but ever since dad got sick, mom traded her house in the "mountains" for a house in the city so she doesn't have the space to garden anymore.  She does what she can in the balconies and outside of her front door, and she also supplement the lack of garden with fresh cut flowers all over the house.  Although our backyard in California has not been kept up like her old yard, she enjoyed going around and finding the things that she needs to arrange flowers.  After she found everything that she needed in our yard, she came up with three different 'styles' of flower arrangements in three different vases.  I was amazed by the kind of material that she was able to collect and by her creativity for arranging the flowers the way she did...  I could tell that she was happy.  Not only she had the opportunity to work in the yard, to create something beautiful, but best of all, it was free!

After we came in to the house, she admired the flower that she put together through our family room window that faces the pool, then she said "beauty in one's in lifestyle is a creation, and it's not to be taken for granted."

Mom has always been someone who's into making her home and her life beautiful, but I have always had a judgement about her wanting to look good for others.  Last night, when she said what she said, it was the first time that I heard what she was really saying, and what she said had a completely different impact on me.  I saw for myself that I have never cared or valued anything about having a beautiful house, having a well decorated bedroom, or a well maintained backyard.  To me, those are just extra work that creates no added value.   Because I have never placed any value on having a beautiful home or lifestyle, I have never understood that this was a way that my mother contribute to our lives.

Yesterday was the first time I realized how my 'correct' values can blind me from appreciating others' contribution, yesterday was the first time I appreciated my mother's effort of making my house a beautiful home, and yesterday was the first time I can share her joy for having contributed to our lives.

24

Dear baby Ryan,

Being beside you for the first 24 hours of your life has been truly miraculous and transformational for your auntie Anny and our whole family. I am amazed at how you can be so little yet so powerful in changing all of our lives. With your arrival, my sister became your mother, my parents became your grandparents, my husband became your uncle, and I became someone who knows that I am capable of taking care of a little baby like you.

Last night, you slept on the sofa bed in the hospital with me swaddled like a little cocoon. Whenever you had your reflexes or little tremors, you'd wake me up, I'd rub your little cocoon, and you'd fall asleep again. You kept up with your little movements all night and I'd wake up to make sure that you were doing well. Sometimes, you'd fall asleep after a longer rub but sometimes you'd fall right back to sleep. When you go back to sleep quickly, I'd watch you laying there with your eyes forming two little dashes going across your face. You looked content, at peace, and well-adjusted and I asked myself, "Is Ryan's first night in our world a good experience for him?" Ryan, you see, all of us adults have issues that we are dealing with in this world that do not give us the kind of peace and satisfaction that I see in you. However, watching you last night made me realize that we were all born the same way you were - peaceful, content, perfect, and whole.

Baby Ryan, you were being a little baby last night but I saw the capacity and possibility of motherhood for me. My age old fear of not being a good enough mother was melted away by the peace that poured out of you. Your first 24 hours convinced me that I am capable of being a loving mother. So what's next? I just can't wait to journey into the future with you!

Sickness Update

I didn't want to put this on the blog but felt like it is important enough for people to know about it so here you go...

A colleague of mine got sick about two weeks ago and I talked her for about 30mins and 2 hours after our conversation, I was dizzy and I came down with a flu right away. I had a fever and body ache but I went about my business for about 10 more days. Three days ago, everything went down hill... My fever wouldn't break, my headache won't go away, the chest congestion and cough just kicked in. I've never felt so bad before that I couldn't go to work or do anything else, so I knew that the cold was bad. Yes, I suspected that it was H1N1 but had to get tested to know for sure right?

So, I went to the hospital to see my primary care doctor, she prescribed a few medications for my symptoms while she sat about 6 feet away from me while we were both wearing surgical masks. She said that everything was fine and there wasn't a need to get tested for H1N1 or getting the Tamiflu or other antiviral drugs. I was sitting there thinking, if everything is ok, why are you sitting so far away from me with your mask on? I went home, took all the meds, and woke up the next morning didn't feel a tad better.

At the suggestion of my wise mother, I went to the ER the next day and found out the reasons that my primary care doctor didn't want to get me tested. This is what I want to share with those of you who are in the US... The ER doctor told me that they have had a lot of patients that came in with influenza. The seasonal influenza actually kills more people than then H1N1 (or swine flu) and since Northern California only has one laboratory that can test for H1N1, doctors in ER have been ordered by CDC not to send tests to labs but just prescribe antiviral drugs for those that go in with flu like symptoms.

This experience tells me that the CDC no longer tracks the number of patients with H1N1 and it is far more prevalent than we think. You probably had it, fought it off, and passed it to someone else already... Whoever has flu like symptoms that last longer than usual should get yourself treated right away with antiviral drugs. In the mean time, stay away from your healthy family members and wear a mask to prevent giving the flu to others if you have to go somewhere public. Kids and pregnant women are especially high risk. And to avoid complications, stay away from aspirin and aspirin related products if you suspect that you have H1N1.

I did get my antiviral medicine from the ER but never got tested for H1N1. I'm ordered not to go into work for a week... so good luck everyone, stay healthy!