Dear baby Nikki,
Your mom always asks me, "did Nikki scare you?" with great concern. She wants to make sure that the process that you went through to fight for your life didn't scare me into not wanting to have a baby. My answer was always "no, the process didn't scare me" but the truth is, it did. Scare is probably not the right word, but whatever that word is, the way you hang on and the way you thrived, touched me deeply and made an imprint in my heart that will be irreversible.
Nikki, your aunty Anny "used to be" very liberal on the issue of abortion. I believe that a woman has the legal right to her body therefore the choice of having a baby or not should lie with the mother. However, because of you, I can no longer advise with a mother not choosing her baby no matter the circumstance. When I reflect on how much you went through, how you held on, who you have become, my heart breaks just thinking about a mother giving up a life. I can no longer share my opinion the way I used to.
You came into our office yesterday for the very first time with daddy. Mommy, daddy, and I took you around the office to show you off to the co-workers. I was so proud of you! When you put your head on my chest while I was holding you, I just couldn't believe how much you've grown and how beautiful you have become. I switched you over from one side of my shoulder to the other, just like that! You are so big now that I don't have to worry about breaking your little body... After the your tour, I had to hand you to your parents quickly, if it was just the four of us, I would have started crying in the office.
Nikkie, I am not scared to have a baby because of what you have gone through, I am scared that adults like us don't make the right decisions for babies like you. I am scared that independent as we are, we can seem selfish and forget how precious babies like you have been and will become. I am scared that the choices that we make even with the best intentions will forever impact your future in ways that we cannot fathom. I am also scared that our adult world cannot set our differences aside and we cannot provide you with what you rightly deserve...
I predicted that I was going to learn a lot from you before you get to learn anything from me, and I was right. Every time when I see you, you bring joy, happiness, and fulfillment to my life. Because of you, I am more sure than ever that I want have a baby of our own. Because of you, I am aspired to be a better person for this world so you'll have a bright future to live into. Thank you baby Nikki for an amazing perspective and an understanding of the gift of life...
Love, AA
Gardening for Dummies
I must admit that I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to gardening. Maybe I should get a gardening for dummies book? I don't know much about growing vegetables or fruits but I am excited when I see the progress of the seeds and plants. Some "gardening" questions that I have are pretty "basic" and probably "borderline" ridiculous but the overall gardening experience have been exciting and I am having a lot of fun! I must be going crazy! First, I start to enjoy Sacramento more than I "should", now, I am starting to enjoy gardening!
It all started with a conversation with a colleague about their garden, the more we talked about the type of fruit and vegetables that they harvested, the more hungry I become to have our own vegetable farm! Yes, "farm" is the ambition but "planters" are my reality... We have had herbs here and there for the past year and we also have some fruit trees that we never pruned or maintained. Three years after we moved into our home, our neighbors knocked on our door to make sure that it was ok with us that they picked the apricots off of our tree. I thought to myself, "What apricot? Isn't that a cherryless cherry tree?". Then, Jim discovered that we have a pomegranate tree and some sort of citrus tree in our backyard. However, since the "discovery", the fruit trees never produced fruits again. Hopefully we'll get really lucky this year without having applied the proper gardening technique.Maybe it was the conversations or it could be the inspiration from going to the farmers' market every Saturday, but I just crave to have my own vegetables! Knowing that there are no chemicals used, just the hot Sacramento sun and precious mountain water gives me reason to smile. I talk to friends about their chives, lettuce, berries, and tomatoes and I find these topics interesting and absolutely delicious! Just imagine cutting up a tomato from your garden, putting olive oil and sea salt over it, then topping it off with your home grown basil. How delicious will that be?
Towards the end of the day, I find myself thinking about the tomatoes, the basil and the seeds that I planted over the weekend. Seriously, I really don't know what's happening to me but I am loving my garden in the planters! When I have my first "garden" salad, I will let you know how tasty a garden salad can be!
It all started with a conversation with a colleague about their garden, the more we talked about the type of fruit and vegetables that they harvested, the more hungry I become to have our own vegetable farm! Yes, "farm" is the ambition but "planters" are my reality... We have had herbs here and there for the past year and we also have some fruit trees that we never pruned or maintained. Three years after we moved into our home, our neighbors knocked on our door to make sure that it was ok with us that they picked the apricots off of our tree. I thought to myself, "What apricot? Isn't that a cherryless cherry tree?". Then, Jim discovered that we have a pomegranate tree and some sort of citrus tree in our backyard. However, since the "discovery", the fruit trees never produced fruits again. Hopefully we'll get really lucky this year without having applied the proper gardening technique.Maybe it was the conversations or it could be the inspiration from going to the farmers' market every Saturday, but I just crave to have my own vegetables! Knowing that there are no chemicals used, just the hot Sacramento sun and precious mountain water gives me reason to smile. I talk to friends about their chives, lettuce, berries, and tomatoes and I find these topics interesting and absolutely delicious! Just imagine cutting up a tomato from your garden, putting olive oil and sea salt over it, then topping it off with your home grown basil. How delicious will that be?
Towards the end of the day, I find myself thinking about the tomatoes, the basil and the seeds that I planted over the weekend. Seriously, I really don't know what's happening to me but I am loving my garden in the planters! When I have my first "garden" salad, I will let you know how tasty a garden salad can be!
Two Months
If you only have two months left to live, would you do things differently? What would you stop doing or start doing? Is there someone in your life that you've always wanted to have that conversation with but you are just waiting for the right moment? Will you forgive those who have hurt your feelings and move on or will you take the pain to your grave? Will you say something to the person that you have deeply hurt and impacted? Are you going to celebrate your successes or will you dwell on your failures? What will you say to your love ones? Will you finally admit that your family, friends, and significant other have always loved you? Are you going to forgive yourself for the mistakes that you have made? What will you let go and what are you going to hold onto?
If I only had two months to live, I would acknowledge the many people that have contributed to my life that I have never thanked. I would treasure every moment that I have with people that I love. I would be a different child to my parents, a different sister to my sister, I would be a different wife to my husband, a different friend to my friends, a different person in this world. The question that we should ask ourselves is not "why don't we live like we only have two months left?" The question is "when are we going to realize that we do have a choice in how we live our lives?"
We do have choices in how we live our lives, otherwise, we will not be able shift who we are for others or live a different life after we find out that we only have two months left. So why do we "pretend" that we don't have control over our lives until it's too late? By admitting having choices translates into responsibility. Being responsible means that we are the only ones that can make our relationships flourish and wither. Being responsible means we are the only ones that make our lives happy and miserable. Being responsible means we have control over our lives and we are the only ones to get to say how it's going to go...
Are you waiting for the announcement that you have only two months left? Or will you pretend that you only have two months so you clean up the past and take charge of your future?
Family Vacation
I can't remember the last vacation that I took without checking work email and voicemail. Was it before I started working seven years ago? Although I kept up with what's going on in financial market, policies, and the first 100 days of Obama's administration, I was able to relax and be on vacation with my family this time around.
Andrew and his dad drove up from Los Angeles and Jim's parents flew in from Green Bay. We barbecued, debated current events around the world, and drank lots of beer, wine, and whiskey. Jim and Jerry lost their voices on the first two days of the visit by challenging each other's point of view on politics while Andrew refereed. Every time when public policies was brought up, Barb always redirected the conversation to something else to avoid excessive opinion battles. I realized that everyone is entitled to his/her opinion and as long as we don't think that we have the ultimate truth, we can co-exist peacefully...
We visited Napa Valley and Placerville for wine tasting, fresh produce, and delicious food. We went to Coloma to pan for gold and there was actually a lot of gold flakes to be panned! I feel bad for people in Zimbabwe having to pan gold for a living - it's a lot of hard work with very very very little reward! I ended up with a sore neck, tanned face, and $8 worth of gold? We visited Fair Field's Budweiser plant for a tour and free beer tasting. Did you know that Budweiser produces pomegranate, orange & citrus, and cactus & lime Michelob ultra beers?
A dose of family was exactly what Jim and I needed. We love living in California but spending time with love ones is what enriches our lives and makes our lives worth celebrating!
Andrew and his dad drove up from Los Angeles and Jim's parents flew in from Green Bay. We barbecued, debated current events around the world, and drank lots of beer, wine, and whiskey. Jim and Jerry lost their voices on the first two days of the visit by challenging each other's point of view on politics while Andrew refereed. Every time when public policies was brought up, Barb always redirected the conversation to something else to avoid excessive opinion battles. I realized that everyone is entitled to his/her opinion and as long as we don't think that we have the ultimate truth, we can co-exist peacefully...
We visited Napa Valley and Placerville for wine tasting, fresh produce, and delicious food. We went to Coloma to pan for gold and there was actually a lot of gold flakes to be panned! I feel bad for people in Zimbabwe having to pan gold for a living - it's a lot of hard work with very very very little reward! I ended up with a sore neck, tanned face, and $8 worth of gold? We visited Fair Field's Budweiser plant for a tour and free beer tasting. Did you know that Budweiser produces pomegranate, orange & citrus, and cactus & lime Michelob ultra beers?
A dose of family was exactly what Jim and I needed. We love living in California but spending time with love ones is what enriches our lives and makes our lives worth celebrating!
Angel Two, Angel Too
Angela sent me an email at the beginning of April with some file attachments of her baby. I have had a lot of pregnant girlfriends that shared these pictures with me, and most of the time I can see what's what after they give me some general directions. I figured that the attachments that Angela sent over will be one of those pictures, but she didn't provide me with the "how-to-see-the baby" manual in her email. So, I clicked on the link and attempted to enlarge the photo in order to see the photos better. After I clicked on the first photo, the link opened up windows media player. The attachment was a video clip, not a picture!
The videos were similar to the photos in that they were black and white. The screen was mostly white, except in the middle where the baby lies. The first video clip had the baby's head and its blurred body attached to the mom with little movement. With anticipation, I opened up the second video clip. This was something that I have never seen before... The baby's heart was beating fast, and the baby's little hand opened and closed, opened and closed. It looked like the baby was waving at the screen by flexing its fingers! I couldn't believe it, so I rewound the video, and watched it again, rewound and watched again! Yes, the baby is flexing its fingers, I concluded. I thought to myself, "maybe the baby is curious, maybe the baby is learning, or maybe the baby is just growing and trying to survive?" I will never know the answer to all these questions but this is how life begins. This little being is so helpless, fragile, yet so amazingly beautiful.
I teared up as I stopped asking questions and realized how amazing the pregnancy process really is. Mothers take in nutritious food, endure the hormonal changes, and carry the baby in their womb. Angela is now a mother to this little human being and she will provide everything this baby need - through her and inside of her. I looked at the baby's little fingers flexing again and I just cannot believe how magical life is.
The ultrasound videos that I received today looked completely different than what I saw in early April. The baby is moving around, tumbling in the womb, giving hand signals, and kicking. This little baby is merely 10 centimeters long and it already has a strong, unrelenting heartbeat. Everyday the baby will grow, everyday the baby will change, and everything that Angela provides will give this little one what it needs to come to this world - our amazing and adventurous world.
The videos were similar to the photos in that they were black and white. The screen was mostly white, except in the middle where the baby lies. The first video clip had the baby's head and its blurred body attached to the mom with little movement. With anticipation, I opened up the second video clip. This was something that I have never seen before... The baby's heart was beating fast, and the baby's little hand opened and closed, opened and closed. It looked like the baby was waving at the screen by flexing its fingers! I couldn't believe it, so I rewound the video, and watched it again, rewound and watched again! Yes, the baby is flexing its fingers, I concluded. I thought to myself, "maybe the baby is curious, maybe the baby is learning, or maybe the baby is just growing and trying to survive?" I will never know the answer to all these questions but this is how life begins. This little being is so helpless, fragile, yet so amazingly beautiful.
I teared up as I stopped asking questions and realized how amazing the pregnancy process really is. Mothers take in nutritious food, endure the hormonal changes, and carry the baby in their womb. Angela is now a mother to this little human being and she will provide everything this baby need - through her and inside of her. I looked at the baby's little fingers flexing again and I just cannot believe how magical life is.
The ultrasound videos that I received today looked completely different than what I saw in early April. The baby is moving around, tumbling in the womb, giving hand signals, and kicking. This little baby is merely 10 centimeters long and it already has a strong, unrelenting heartbeat. Everyday the baby will grow, everyday the baby will change, and everything that Angela provides will give this little one what it needs to come to this world - our amazing and adventurous world.
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