Journeys

End of FB

2012-01-28T19:25:00.001-08:00

Please use this link to the new site

Plenty happening

2012-01-07T00:03:00.000-08:00

Please use this link for the new site

Life after FB

2012-01-07T00:01:00.001-08:00

As I mentioned earlier on my facebook page, I am going to stop updating information there and find another way of keep you posted on my journey in the Philippines. I came up with the name Noodling Noodles so that it's easier to remember versus my previous page and I hope each one of these posts (the labor of noodling my noodles) will give you something to think about, contemplate, or just bring a smile to your day! So, please leave comments (I added a comment section) or add your email address so the updates will be sent to you electronically. Thank you for checking in time and time again for an often delinquent blogger!

Rain

2011-11-15T04:17:00.001-08:00

All hell breaks lose when it rains in Manila. The already congested traffic comes to a complete stand still. A plethora of taxis magically disappears into thin air as if the taxis were conspiring to gauge prices. For a foreigner that doesn’t know how to get around the city other than using taxis, you are at the mercy of the weather and the taxi drivers.

“Mam’m, I have a lot of customers to choose from, you pay more yes?” If you dare to refuse, you’ll end up on the street for another half an hour looking for another taxi driver that will readily take advantage.

This morning I went down onto the street like I have always done since moving to Rockwell. Normally, it takes around 5 to 10 minutes to hail a cab. However, in the rain plus the ongoing Christmas pilgrimage (this topic is for another day), getting a taxi is mission impossible. After waiting for 5 minutes, I noticed this foreigner across the street from me competing for a taxi, so, I moved closer to the cross street. After he noticed that I have moved in front of him, he moved too. I changed my location again to stay ahead, and he followed. This time, he didn’t just follow, he headed in front of me. “How dare he?”. I thought to myself. I waved harder, raised my arm higher, and tipped toed more to gain more visibility, but to no avail. The man was taller, had longer arms, and looked Caucasian which might translates into a better customer (or target depending on how you see it). Thirty minutes had passed, we were still doing our dance for the amusement of taxi drivers. The stranger walked across the street and asked me where I was heading. “Ortigas.” I said. “Me too. Do you want to share a cab?”. Out of desperation, I agreed. We split up into different corners, continued our hail-a-cab cha-cha, another 20 minutes must have gone by and he got us a cab while standing in the median of the street. We small talked until I arrived at my office building. “I would never have gotten into a cab with a perfect stranger, but in the rain in Manila, it’s a different story” I thought to myself as I handed him the cab fare.

The dreaded evening commute has arrived sooner than expected. Andrew and I have been sharing a taxi to Rockwell in the evenings. After the horrible wait this morning, I had no patience for a repeat of this morning. “Andrew, let’s take the MRT.” I suggested. Andrew looked at me and said, “Have you ever taken the MRT before?”. “Yes, once, with Marly” I said proudly. He laughed, “only once?”. He shamed me into silence.

The MRT cost P10 or $0.23 per person, which is about one tenth of the taxi fare when there’s no traffic. After a short MRT ride, Andrew and I trotted in the rain searching for a taxi, jeepney, a converted motorbike to take us to the Power plant mall. The taxis were full or heading to the wrong direction, the jeepneys were so packed that only the heads of the passengers were inside the jeepneys and their bodies were hanging outside the back of the jeepneys, and the converted motorbikes were packing five or six people when it was only meant for three or four. Finally, two passengers got out of a jeepney, I jumped onto the jeepney with my Louis Vuitton bag tightly tucked under my arm, Andrew hopped in with his wet suit pant still hanging outside the jeepney. We handed over P16 altogether and squeezed in for a hard seat in this hot, sticky, and polluted jeepney. Andrew tries not to smile but I had this huge grin on my face. This has been the best adventure that I have had in three months in the Philippines!

The jeepney stopped after Andrew said something to the driver in Filipino. We ended up right outside the Power plant mall. As soon as we walked into the mall, there’s Salvatore Ferragamo, DKNY, Armani Exchange, and all the high-end stores. The contrast of the jeepney and the mall was impossible to miss. As I was about to exit the mall to head home, I thought, “If it wasn’t because of the rain, I would never have the opportunity to peek outside of my luxurious foreigner lifestyle bubble. Thanks to the rain, I had the best commute of my life!”

It's Over

2011-11-03T15:50:00.001-07:00

My honeymoon with Manila came to a squeaky halt. Maybe it’s because I am traveling every weekend so that I spend my free time away from Manila. Maybe it’s because how disorganized work has been that I am taking out my frustration on the City. Or maybe the romance was never meant to be no matter the city… Of course, just like everything that bothers me, I have developed a hypothesis and I am going to test it and form a theory!

Before my relocation, people have told me to start in Singapore as it is considered “Asia-Light”. However, Singapore and Hong Kong are a little bit too easy in my opinion. Both places have a lot of expatriates, one can get by easily with English, and they are both extremely commercialized and developed. To me, they are not “Asia” enough. Prior to accepting my job in Manila, I also had my doubts. “Will the Philippines be ‘too’ much of a developing country which will be too challenging for me since I have lived in the US for the past 20 years?” Upon arriving Manila, all of those doubts evaporated. The food selection is diverse and immense, English is one of the official languages, people are friendly, the apartments can be extremely modern, and consumerism blends right in with the polluted air. All these ‘Western” influences make everything seem so “normal” and “US” for those who are not careful.

The expectations were low before I moved to Manila knowing that it is not as developed as some of the other Asian cities. I was pleasantly surprised by almost everything that I encountered over the last three months - the food, people, culture, prices, accessibility, convenience, etc. Then, slowly, the disappointments set in when the traffic gets in the way of catching a flight, when not knowing Filipino directly translates into higher prices, and when the perceived friendliness is just that, perceived.

My honeymoon with Manila is over probably because my expectations have changed significantly since my arrival. Manila did not set out to deceive my expectations but as a new resident of the City, I wanted to see and experience familiarity, comfort, and relatedness instead of what the City can offer. Maybe this is the beginning of a new phase – marriage, where reality sets in and staying married will take hard work from both Manila and I.

Hometown

2011-10-17T06:12:00.000-07:00

I am ashamed to say that I don't know much about my hometown. Every time when I visit Taiwan, the primary objective was always spending time with family and friends so getting to know Taipei was never on my radar screen. Since this has been the second time that I flew home over the weekend after I started working in Manila, I figured that I will take the initiative to learn a little more about my hometown, my culture, and where I came from.

The flight to Taipei from Manila arrived a little early to my surprise. I had previously asked mom not to have anyone pick me up at the airport so I found my way to the bus station and bought an one-way ticket to test out the bus-taking experience. A taxi ride from Tao-Yuan to my destination will cost me about $40 and the bus ride which dropped me off about 5 blocks away from home was $4. Other than the unbelievable low cost, the driver was a warm and enthusiastic tour guide, and I was also the only passenger on this route and on his giant bus!

After lunch and spending time with family, I decided to take dad to a bookstore where we spent a couple of hours reading and browsing through books. I ended up with guides for Taipei and Taiwan, and dad ended up with tour books for Bangkok. Like father, like daughter?

Instead of just reading and understanding the books, I decided to experience the interesting places with my parents. The next day, we visited Da-Dao Cheng (大稻埕) in Taipei. Other than being absorbed in the historical buildings of Dee-hua street (迪化街) , we shopped for traditional Taiwanese lanterns and hand-weaved bamboo products, we also ate at a hole-in-the-wall Taiwanese noodle house for all kinds of small dishes! Prior to lunch, Mom swore that she will never wait in line for 30 minutes for anything served from a noodle house like the one that I picked out from the book. However, bites after bites of delicious small snacks, I think mom will line up again for the home smoked shark meat, barbecued and lightly fried pork, and the lightly salted chicken, noodles, and vegetables.

4pm came around quickly after another walk down Dee-hua street. I left for Tao-Yuan airport on an air-conditioned bus for $3. I can't wait for the next time that I explore my hometown with my parents!

Running amok

2011-10-14T06:27:00.000-07:00

I often joke around with my colleagues that I am reading so much and spending so much time at work these days because I didn't study hard enough when I was in school, and this is payback time. College for me was all fun and very little studying except before exams. I think Jason will disagree and say, "you don't even study before the exams!"

Even though I don't remember much from college, several classes in Physiology did make an impression on me. One of the topics were on thermoregulation and how 'automatic' our bodies respond to the changes in external temperature without our commands and without our control. For example, when you walk into an air-conditioned room on a hot summer day, you do not provide your endocrine system with instructions on how the system should perform and react to the temperature change. You do not walk out of a heated room into the snow with directions to constrict blood vessels to prevent heat loss. The body adjust to the environment without your involvement, and it just does what needs to be done. If the body needs commands to adjust to external temperature, a lot of us will be in a lot of trouble, especially the forgetful ones!

Many of our bodily functions rarely need us or allow us to participate in their operations. Our heart beats, our intestines absorb nutrients, our pupils dilate and constrict, and there are a lot of examples!

Then, what about our emotions, thoughts, and feelings? We think we have control over all of them because the emotions, thoughts, and feelings are "ours". But our hearts, intestines, and pupils are also "ours", why don't we get a say on how they operate?

In the past year, I have been "catching myself" a lot more than I used to. I will be walking very fast with my shoulders back and chest forward. Then, I will hear my footsteps, then I will choose to slow down. However, before I have heard my own footsteps, I didn't have a choice to walk fast or to slow down because the walking-fast has been programmed into me as a reaction to some external stimuli such as stress. How often can we catch ourselves when our mind, body, and spirit have been trained to react a certain way to various circumstances? Are you sure that our emotional, thinking, and feeling systems are really "ours" and that our bodies are not just directing traffic without our commands?

California~

2011-10-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

Exhaustion finally hits me. Maybe it's the work hours, maybe it's the flights, maybe it's the never ending hunt for a place to live. I am finally exhausted, zapped, ready to just take a cab back to California. Or take a cab to the airport then a flight to California....

Since my flights are on the weekend, I have to schedule the housing appointments on weekdays. The appointments cut into my lunch hours and I have had absolutely no break from the work for two weeks now. It has been work, house hunting, and travel. So tonight, when I finished my housing "tour", instead of standing in the traffic-jammed cross street waiting for a taxi, I decided to be a human sized range hood and suck in all the Manila pollution. I hiked back to my hotel and treated myself to a nice Japanese meal on my way home.

I am frustrated with the house hunting process because all the property owners think that expats have money therefore they should charge more. I am also frustrated with the expats because they artificially inflate the housing prices when they live in a property that they will never personally pay for but will do so when the company subsidizes 65% of the rental. Yes, it's naive of me to think that by "standing my ground", I will change something when I am living in an expensive hotel that I will also never pay for myself but will live here in the name of for convenience and safety when the company pays for 65% of it....

Today is my day of exhaustion, I declare. And today is my day that I miss my non-polluted California air and the quiet and peaceful California night... Just today and only tonight....

Fly Asia

2011-10-10T05:48:00.000-07:00

I bought a 'Fly Asia' pass from Philippine airlines when I first arrived in Manila for about $1,000 for 6 short trips to various destinations in Asia to visit home, friends, to eat great food, and to practice my photo-taking skills. Last week, my weekend trip kick-started, but Philippine airlines was on strike! As I waited in the long queue to fly to Taipei, I doubted my ever-so-brilliant idea, when the plane delayed, I was sure that I had made a big mistake. But the Hong Kong trip this week changed all of that!

This week, my expectation was more realistic than that of that last week. I brought a book expecting 'unexpected' delays. I lined up in the shortest line instead of the line that was designated for Hong Kong having learned from last week's experience and I got to the immigration desk faster. This time, I had my immigration form filled out ahead of time with 750 pesos so I can skip the form-filling line and pay the airport taxes than those that were not as prepared. Everything went smoother and faster even though the plane was still delayed. With the preparation and expectation, I had time to read and shop at duty-free for famous Filipino deserts!

Manila to Hong Kong takes two hours by flight. As soon as we landed, I could tell that I was in a different city. In contrast with Manila, everything moved faster in Hong Kong including people. People in Hong Kong are less patient but very goal and task oriented and super efficient. The no nonsense Hong Kong culture permeated the air as we waited through immigration. I, for once, appreciated the Hong Kong efficiency after having lived in Manila for almost two and half months.

I visited Kim, Derek, and Samantha while I was in Hong Kong. I had my first Hong Kong "high tea" at the newly opened Ritz on the 100+ floor. Ships, barges, and helicopters moved gracefully below us as we sipped our tea and enjoyed our finger-licking yummy deserts. Afterwards, Kim and I window-shopped, chatted, caught-up on a year's worth of life-changing experiences while we weaved through the city for photos. The next day, we lined up and ate at the Tim Ho Wan Michelin star dim sum shop, rested, and I left the Yan's on Sunday afternoon.

It was a short, compacted, but fun trip! Now, I am looking forward to my next flight this coming weekend!

Work-Life Balance

2011-09-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

People talk about work life balance all the time but what does it really mean? I left the office tonight at 8pm and this has been a normal time for me since I started working in Manila. I wake up at 6:30am and have my giant hotel breakfast around 7:30am, and arrive at the office around 8am or a little pass that. I usually work non-stop until I remind myself that I need to take a break, or I will stop around lunch time. After lunch, it's more work until at least 6pm. Half of the time that I have been in Manila, the work hours stretch into 7pm and 8pm. There were several 9pms and one night that almost ended at midnight in the office. Today, when I left at 8pm, I felt balanced.

Not having Jim, cats, or parents in Manila has made working the focal point of my life. Unlike the previous job, even though the work hours were shorter, it was definitely less balanced. In the past, I had to rush to and from the office through traffic on highway 50, I had to make it to the happy hours, I had to run errands, and I had to deal with all the administrative issues on my own at work. The shorter hours did not translate into a less stressful lifestyle, there was always a lot more waiting for me to do and never enough time. Working in Manila with no commute, I don't have to worry about transportation and traffic. Food is so accessible and affordable that I can cook when I feel like it and eat out when I need to spice up my evenings. With no family around, I have very little to worry about other than my tummy and my happiness.

When the focus of ones life changes from one to the another, can the concept of work-life balance also change? Is it healthy now that I am spending so much time at work according to the work-life philosophy? Does long hours during workweek coupled with exciting trips on the weekend qualify as balance? Being content on a day-to-day basis with one's work and personal life, is this the definition of work-life balance?

Boracay

2011-09-27T06:50:00.000-07:00

Jim was in town for about ten days and we visited Boracay during the low season.. The trip was only about an hour and half away from Manila, but the difference was unmistakable. The plane flew over the white sand beach and the clear blue ocean before it landed in Caticlan Boracay Airport. On the Boracay island, we stayed for 4 days and 3 nights, we fed our tummies and roasted our skins!

Boracay is famous for its amazing clear oceans and powdery white sand beach. The legend is that during the hot sunny summer days, the white sand will remain cool to the touch instead of melting into silicon chips. What I thought was amazing about Boracay is how many different kind of people the island accommodates and entertains. There are amazing corals and oceanic creatures for divers. There is ocean breeze for the wind surfers and para-skiers. The white sand and calm waves make perfect toys to entertain children. Party goers have sections of the beach for loud music and cheap drinks and families have quiet sections of the beach for wholesome family gatherings.

I guess Jim and I must be the eating and drinking type. Jim and I sat by the beach to people watch and lounged on beach chairs whenever the weather permitted. We quenched our thirst by drinking local beers and kalamansi soda. When feeding time comes around, we went into town for seafood and other interesting venues such as the Hobbit House and Obama Grill. And the smartest thing that we did was diving when the rain started!

Boracay was tons of fun and I highly recommend it to anyone who visit the Philippines! Boracay really opened my eyes of how beautiful Philippines is, I think I will explore the country more than I originally anticipated!!!

Party Time!

2011-09-11T03:34:00.000-07:00

Back in the US, whenever we throw a party, the preparation and the cleaning will take two days and the party will be a whole day itself. In Manila, the preparation is done by the helpers and the clean up is also done by the helpers. The temptation to share a great meal, have friends over, or just enjoy a simple dinner at home becomes attainable. Each weekend, there seems to be an endless supply of things to do. A party somewhere to attend, a get together to celebrate a special occasion, and an excuse to eat tons of food and amazing deserts.

Since I arrived, besides from looking at properties, I attended parties at different homes. Mid-autumn festivals for the Chinese families, mid-autumn festival for 'foreigners', weekend family get together parties, newbie happy hour invites, and welcome to Manila lunches and/or dinners. Every weekend, I roll back to the hotel stuffed and spoiled by all kinds of party food, try to remember the names of people whom I have met, and search in my memory for where I have been... Was it Green Hills? What is the name of that restaurant in Mikati? I thought that person worked in the same company as me?

It's common to receive two to four invitations for parties over a weekend for an special event. And it is also conceivable that after a weekend of partying, a massage session is required to get ready for the weekdays. I am going to try not to go that far, but Manila is definitely a town for those who enjoy entertaining and those who enjoy being entertained!

1st Month

2011-09-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

Work has occupied most of my weekdays and weekends for the past 4 weeks and finally I get a breather. This is the first weekend that I relaxed and enjoyed the City and the lifestyle!

Friday night started out with some tsimis (gossip) with Marly at the hotel lounge. We listened to live music, drank our P500 ($10) free flowing wine, and chatted up the girl next to our table. We met again for our weekend breakfast with a slight headache.

My schedule suddenly opened up due to rescheduling so I headed to Podium for lunch, a movie, then a bookstore. I found Julius Caesar for P30 and another English book for P50. All told, P80, less than $2! Since Caesar was so thin, I figured I'd start the book with some Golden Spoon yogurt P120 (more than the great work by Shakespeare of course!) By the time I left the mall, Caesar was killed and by the time my agent came to get me at the hotel, my $1 book was almost over...

After a whole day of relaxation and house hunting, what do I need? A nice long two hour massage, perhaps?

I drifted into sleep early and woke up energized and determined to not confuse my activities and be at every place on time despite Manila traffic. Cheryl picked me up at lunch and we visited Gale's house on the Wack-Wack golf course. I have never seen a house so resort-ish in my life! The house was featured on a magazine! The chef cooked amazing Japanese food and I was surrounded by this amazing, happy, and big family! Before the family game started for the mid-autumn festival, I was hauled over to see more properties in the area.

Then, it was dinner at Sharon and Kevin's place. The house had high ceilings, decorated with simple, elegant, natural art pieces and furniture. "This is what I am looking for!" I told the host and hostess. The dinner with Sharon and Kevin's friends were fun, easy-going, and delicious! How I miss the sound of sizzling pans, aroma filled kitchens, and dinner conversations with friends!

Manila has treated me well so far after the first month. It's been challenging, exciting, stressful, fun, and interesting! I'm cautiously optimistic that I will really enjoy this City!

House (Rental) Hunting

2011-09-04T00:32:00.000-07:00

The newbies at work (including me) talk about housing a lot. Whenever we meet someone new, we use the opportunity to find out their housing situation. Where do you live? How convenient is your neighborhood? How's the traffic in your area and are there any alternative transportation such as the MRT? And the most personal, how much is your rent and your electricity bill? The people that meet the newbies ask similar questions too. Where did you come from? What brings you to Manila? Where are you planning to live? Do you have kids, family, or a car? The old birds will always provide forceful suggestions too. You have to get a car if you want to live in that neighborhood.

House / rental hunting hasn't been easy. The condition of the places has ranged from over the top to outright scary with the kitchen ceiling being someone else's illegal patio floor. The prices of the properties have been all over the place too, a 120 square meter house for $800 to 50 square meters for the exact same amount. Of course it's the neighborhood but the range has been so far apart, it's impossible to choose. Are they quoting me this price because I am a foreigner or are they quoting me this price because of the location? It must be both but what is my foreigner premium? And is there room for negotiating my foreigner premium since I am an "Asian" foreigner?

"Miss, I don't have any furniture so I need a furnished apartment" I said. "Oh, it's ok, I will show you the unit and take you furniture shopping." I stopped insisting since I am not going to rent from this landlord anyway. "Madame, most furnished apartments provide a washer and dryer, are you planning to put one in?" I asked. "There's a laundromat here in the mall downstairs." I stopped there so I don't start a negotiation process with the landlady. "Mr. are you going to provide a TV, a desk, and washer and dryer?" I had my hopes up for this modern but small unit. "I can provide the washer and dryer" he hesitated. "You know, this place was designed by a designer and I spent a lot of money and you'll be the first one to live here, if you choose to. You are very lucky." After we walked out of the property, the real estate agent told me that the owner has overspent on his unit and his high asking price is firm. So the search continues...

I don't know how long it will be before I give up the search and just stay at my beautiful yet expensive service apartment. The rent is $4,000 a month and the company split it with me. It's modern, clean, with breakfast, parking, and cleaning services provided. There is a lap pool with under water music, a nice size gym, it's 3 minutes walk from the office and it's in a quiet, safe, and convenient neighborhood. I know I have to move out for my psyche, but do I really? House hunting in Manila is a challenging adventure and meeting the investors / owners are definitely an interesting experience!

Firsts

2011-08-28T04:42:00.000-07:00

As I stood in my hotel room and stared out the floor to ceiling window, I see the black cloud that's rising up, getting ready to engulf the high-rises in front of mine. This is the first typhoon that I am experiencing in Manila. Since my new friend, Andrew, suggested that the rain will be on and off for the most day as the typhoon swirled around Manila, Marly and I stuck with our plan and headed out to the Organic Farmer's Market anyway.

Most people taxi around town since the weather is either really hot and humid or it is pouring down rain. In the name of adventure, Marly and I bought our 'first' one hundred peso (about $2.5) ten rides MRT pass. We figured out the direction of the train and arrived in Mikati in precisely eleven minutes. Compared to being stuck in a taxi, the MRT was so much more relaxing. Arriving in Mikati wasn't the problem, finding the Organic Farmer's Market was the issue. None of the locals that we asked for directions knew where the market was. It must be a foreigner's thing, I thought. We finally stopped at a hotel lobby for directions, the receptionist managed to give us the wrong directions after about ten minutes. Marly must have done this a lot and suggested that we check online to confirm. Sure enough, the direction was off but this also meant that we had to walk further. We chatted, we walked through Greenbelt 5 to Greenbelt 1, and eventually arrived at the Lagaspi Organic Market where some locals and foreigners gathered. I had my first fresh coconut juice from Manila, bought some cheap vegetables and fruits, and checked out some interesting arts and crafts from the market. The walk was long and the market was hot, so we headed out to find Marly's future apartment and to survey the neighborhood.

I have no idea how far we have walked but I haven't sweat this much in so long! We ended up at a coffee shop in Marly's future neighborhood (she doesn't know that it's her neighborhood yet, but I can tell) for drinks and to cool down. The sun and the occasional drops of rain made us decide to take the taxi home instead of the MRT. After our adventure, I headed to the indoor poor at the hotel to relax so I am ready for another week of work at the office.

Marly, after doing her nails, will be bringing the pictures of her potential new home to show me and we will be sharing our first bottle of wine together in celebration of our first Manila adventure.

Wishful Thinking

2011-08-20T03:56:00.000-07:00

The most cheerful people that I have ever met are people from the Philippines. They laugh hard at your jokes, they focus on their families, they are pleasant, and you can hear their laughter from miles away! Granted everyone is different but I have had the pleasure to meet the very cheerful ones! Why are they so happy? Where does that come from? After living in Manila for three weeks, I have a little theory...

If you ask the residents of Manila - what don't you like about living in this City? I think most of them will say, "the traffic!". The congestion in Manila is infamous and is probably one of the worst amongst large Asian cities. A five kilometer ride can easily take 30 to 40 minutes in bad traffic conditions, an average runner can complete that same distance in his / her running shoes with the same amount of time, if not better.

Since I am new to the city, every time when I get in the taxi, I ask the driver, "how long will it take?" The answer is always, "oh, it takes ten minutes without traffic, but right now, it will take maybe 30 minutes". I have asked and the drivers have answered without fail - this amount of time with no traffic and this amount of time in current condition. I ask myself, "How often do the drivers experience no traffic (if any) and why do they always tell you the no traffic time first?" My theory is that it is wishful thinking on the drivers' part. They have to believe that they will get to the destination, without obstacle, in a certain amount of time so that when they are faced with bumper to bumper traffic, their road rage doesn't take over. Maybe, like the drivers, the Filipinos that I know have been trained to be hopeful and to see the brighter side of life so that they are not depressed by the poverty and inequality that surround them...

Day Dreaming

2011-08-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

Dad has been complaining about not having places to go other than the malls around my hotel. But we have been going to places with his friends... Every other day, we go out to eat with his friends after work and I have been exhausted. So on Saturday, I had the hotel breakfast buffet, came back to the room, started surfing on the web for interesting sites to visit. I day dreamed about having cocktails on exotic beaches, hiking through the mountains, riding in a jeep with other tourists, and I started wondering about travel safety and how I could fit in. "Maybe I should learn some Tagalog first?", "if I just look like an American tourist with a cap and backpack, I would look like a poor student?", or "maybe I should join a tour?"

I fantasized about my journeys each time when I found a different travel blog or new advertising page for the Philippines. Then, Dad popped my bubbles with his infamous questions, "where are we going to go today? staying at the hotel again?" I get so annoyed with him whenever he asks that question, I am just so exhausted from work everyday, why would I want to go anywhere but just chill out at the hotel? Then, irony presented itself - all the searches for amazing beaches, mountains, and tours require me to get out of the hotel. Maybe a little exploration wouldn't hurt? I got ready, herded my parents out of the hotel, took a taxi and arrived at Little Tokyo in Mikati.

The restaurants formed a little Japanese restaurant village which provides outdoor seating for the patrons in the square / garden. We picked the yakitori specialty restaurant and devoured 18 meat sticks, 2 sticks of grilled chilies, a Japanese asparagus salad, a cold tofu dish (my favorite), and two Asahi beers (my second favorite). A Japanese guy walked in with a book, sat down at the bar by himself. He lit his cigarette after ordering his food, and started reading. I like it that eating alone in a Japanese restaurant is the norm not the exception and I also like that the cigarette smoke was sucked into the vent for the yakitori. After we stuffed ourselves to the brink, we visited Greenbelt 3 for further exploration.

This morning, dad didn't ask the 'annoying' question that I anticipated that he normally asks. But I am asking myself, "where do I want to go today?" Visiting new places is just as much fun as day dreaming, but a lot more filling and delicious!!!

Domesticating Me

2011-08-07T04:36:00.000-07:00

I know how difficult it is to move to a new place, not knowing anyone (or knowing just a few people), and not have a definite return date back to 'home'. I know the sadness of missing loved ones (including cats) can negate the excitement of moving to a new place. I know the annoyance of not having everything work the same way as it is back home can ruin the opportunity to experience an exotic culture. I know the confusion of a different language and local customs can relinquish the desire to learn and the capacity to feel secure. However, I also know that the sadness, frustration, and confusion will persist until the choice is made to embrace a different lifestyle. Therefore, I have been trying to localize or 'domesticate' myself quickly, so desperately, it is so comical, even to me!!!

Instead of shopping for clothes, souvenirs, and going to fancy ethnic restaurants, I went to the mall for nail clippers, facial cleanser, and tooth paste. To be sure that I am localized, I asked to join the Mega Advantage card to collect points. I don't even do this in the States but to feel like a local, I had to. I went to a modern Filipino cuisine restaurant, Mesa, and ordered what sounded authentic - Palabok. Grilled fish on top, etc. As it turned out, the dish was quite seafood-ish. Now, I finally understand the reason that Racel doesn't like fish! I also ordered green mango juice without syrup, and that was a mistake also! As I observed the patrons of the restaurant (for next time), they ordered a fried fish that is beautifully presented, a porcelain pot with some kind of soup in it, and succulent pork dish... So my fishy noodles and sour mango juice - What do I do? Well, chili and vinegar went well with the fishy noodles and the sour mango juice washed down the spicy fishy noodles without a problem... That was an interesting lunch experience but I can't stop here. To be a true local, I had to have a local cell phone. However, without an address, cell phones, credit cards, and Mega Advantage cards are all out of reach. To domesticate myself, I used the hotel address even though I am not staying for long. Hopefully, the bills and point statements will arrive at the right place.

As soon as I walked out of the mall with my essentials, cell phone, and Mega Advantage card, the rain started picking up... But guess what, this time, I am carrying an umbrella during the rainy season, just like the locals!

Rain drops falling on my head

2011-08-01T04:02:00.000-07:00

I have to admit it was a little lonely living in a hotel room waiting for the first day of work. I have read all that I can for the job, Edward's family had kindly showed me around. So, on Sunday morning, I decided to be a little adventurous - I walked about three blocks away from the hotel (compared to the usual two blocks) and ended up at the Podium mall.

After gathering all the necessary supplies, window shopping, and people watching, I found myself standing outside the mall waiting for the rain to subside. It is rainy season here in the Philippines. It had rained on and off ever since I have arrived. "No big deal", I thought, "the rain will stop in no time and the hotel is only three blocks away". The longer I waited, the harder it rained. To make it back to meet tita Cely, I bought an umbrella to shield me from the rain. Little did I know, it was the rain puddles that were going to get me wet.

As I hopped, skipped, bounced, jumped, and leaped over the small and big rain puddles to avoid being splashed by 'recycled' dirty rain water, I noticed that there were so many people doing the same thing. We were balancing our umbrellas, shopping bags, and purses while focusing and strategizing for the driest route. It was as if all of us were coordinated in a rain dance, and that put a smile on my face... "If there was a song that goes with this, it would be perfect"- I thought to myself. Then, there it was, "Raindrops keep falling on my head..... But there's one thing I know, the blues they send to meet me won't defeat me, it won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me. Raindrops keep falling on my head, but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red. Crying is not for me. 'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining. Because I'm free, nothing's worrying me".

The Move

2011-07-30T15:51:00.000-07:00

I quit my job this past February, the official quit month was March due to accumulated vacation days. I am not quite sure what the logical reasons were that I quit but I know I felt that I wasn't progressing and going to work had become a waste of time. Yes, so I basically got up and left (with a two week notice of course) but I never thought that I was the kind that has the courage to pick up my things and leave without regrets... Now that I look back, it just wasn't meant to be.

The day after my official end day, my new employer called to interview me. Stars must have aligned themselves... I interviewed in the Philippines, accepted the job offer, and asked for three months off before starting. So here I am, in the Philippines!

The preliminary meeting with my boss was great, I get an office, an assistant, and a lot more money than my old job, and I get to live in Asia.... I am not encouraging anyone to quit their jobs but sometimes you have to fight for what you want in life to get it. Right, Danielle?

Leaving the work that I have committed myself to for 9 years wasn't easy and packing up my belongings and saying goodbye to my friends and family in the States was even harder. When I landed Manila, I asked myself, "what are you doing here?" But I know things will work out for the best and I am looking forward to share my Manila experience with all of you!

Bye for now and hello from Manila!

Travel Notes

2010-11-21T20:34:00.000-08:00

Bathrooms

Bathrooms in Beijing were infamous for their lack of cleanliness. The government must have done something to improve them because they have rating systems now. The bathroom in the Forbidden City were rated 4 stars by the authorities and they were ok. You have to bring your own toilet paper and it was useable. I looked for 5 star toilets while visiting but didn’t find any.

When I used the restroom at the base of the Great Wall, an American girl came in and shouted to her friend or translator, “what a nice surprise, they have toilet seats!” A lot of the Asian bathrooms have squatting toilets only and this girl was overjoyed to find a toilet that have seats at the base of the Great Wall. The conversation went on about how great it is to have seat, how surprising it is to find the option… I found it so interesting because I never thought toilet cleanliness and options can spark long conversations or a blog post…

Food

(Pee meet ball - didn't try them for good reasons)

Ok, maybe writing about food right after toilet options is not sanitary or appetizing but I have to say that food on this trip has been delicious, amazing, and thought provoking! In Beijing, we had cheap, quality, and very tasty Chinese cuisines. Sichuan fusion style food from “ Chao Jiang-Nan” (on the stock exchange), the famous Peking duck from “Chuan Ju De” (government owned on the stock exchange), cuisines from hu-tongs (small streets) were all well cooked and reasonably priced. Singapore’s black pepper crab from the famous Long Beach and Jumbo restaurants were both finger-licking good. Not to mention the variety of food that is accessible everywhere you go in Singapore… Japanese noodle shop, Chinese bao (bun) specialties, and Indian street food… And then, there’s Thailand – the spices and herbs that are infused in every dish that we ordered. On the beach of Thailand, we got to enjoy every bite of food with the smell of the ocean and sound of the sea… I am just saying, all this weight gain is the fault of this amazing culinary experience, not my doing…

Books

I enjoy reading books when I am on vacation. The books that are usually too serious to pick-up during hectic work weeks are very enjoyable on a vacation… I must have packed about 10-15 books for this trip knowing that I will have plenty of time to relax and just read. Afternoons with nothing to do, nowhere to get to, no schedule to follow are the best ones to enjoy reading… I will have a lot of those days still ahead of me… Three books read and some ten more to go maybe? Just finished my first coconut of the day and I am ready to start another book…

Great Wall

2010-11-20T06:07:00.000-08:00

It took about an hour and half, maybe longer, to get to Mutianyu from our hotel in Beijing. Mutianyu is part of the Great Wall of China that is within driving distance from Beijing that has the least number of tourists.

The gondola in front of ours sped up and dipped to hold on to the tracks above – it was a little intimidating but we hopped on our cart. I waited for the increase in speed and the dip and when it happened, it was relief. The gondola went straight up the mountainside with decisive speed, our guide tried to take our picture but I was afraid shifting the weight in the middle of this climb would cause a disaster. We did it anyway…

The top of the mountain was an amazing site. The mountains were steep, the terrain was rough, the wind was crisp, the sky was blue, the clouds were puffy, and the Great Wall seemed endless… You can’t help but be awed, intimidated, and overwhelmed by the sight of the Great Wall sitting on top of the steep mountains and rough terrain. As you stand on the guard tower of the Wall, you can see so far away that no enemy will ever be able to sneak up on you or attack you in stealth. As you walked along the Wall, the loneliness of the soldiers is almost palatable. And as you looked at the engineering details of the Wall, you can’t help but be proud and sad of being part of the human race that possess so much ingenuity and at the same time so much insecurity…

Ironically, the Manchus were let in by one of the generals patrolling the border because he was not happy with the government under which he served… After general Wu opened the gate to the Manchus, the Qing Dynasty was established after the Manchus seized Beijing. Was the construction of the Wall worth it for those from the Ming Dynasty? Maybe, maybe not. However, without the construction and preservation of those before us, we’ll surely not have such amazing architecture to marvel or to admire.

Summer Palace

2010-11-17T05:48:00.001-08:00

The second day in Beijing, we visited Gong Wang Fu and the Summer Palace.

Gong Wang Fu was built in the Qing Dynasty by He-Shen, the most corrupt official in Chinese history. The Mansion was later confiscated by Jiaqing Emperor, the successor of Qianlong Emperor under who He-Shen had served. The Mansion is famous for its beautiful gardens, lavish decor, and usage of materials that rivaled that of the Forbidden City. And of course, this was a punishable offense back in that time. He-Shen with his other crimes, was put to death by the Jiaqing Emperor. It was said that He-Shen’s fortune at the time of his death totaled 15 times that of the Qing Dynasty annual budget. The current City of Bell scandal – it is not even close… Unfortunately, Gong Wang Fu does not have the English instructions like the Forbidden City or the Summer Palace but this is definitely a well-preserved Chinese style mansion that is worth the visit.
And then there’s the Summer Palace… I didn’t get the chance to visit the Summer Palace when I was last in Beijing 20 years ago. The Summer Palace was also commissioned in the Qing Dynasty and the two square kilometer Kunming Lake was entirely man made. The dirt that came out of the “lake” was then piled together to make the Longevity Mountain, which stands about 60 meters high… The Palace landscape, architecture, paintings of the hallways and stairs, and the amazing view from top of the Longevity Mountain… it must be nice to be the Emperor.

As we continued our walk through the Summer Palace in our winter jackets, I imaged being the Empress strolling through the gardens that are covered with yellow autumn leaves. The marble boat parked by the bank of the lake, the red colored boat docks, the arched marble stone bridges all for my personal enjoyment... And the crowd, they might as well be my entourage… As the sun starts to set, the air gradually turned sharper, the crowd thinned. If I was the Empress, this will not just be my Summer Palace, I will come here to enjoy the crisp air and the solitude of the Palace in the fall…

When you are ready to be an Emperor or Empress for a day, visit the Summer Palace…

Forbidden City

2010-11-14T18:46:00.000-08:00

The flight to Beijing from Bangkok was unbearable according to mom and Jim. I was too busy chatting up the Thais sitting next to me to notice the smoke that lingered in the seat covers, the tight seating arrangements, or the poor food and in-flight service on our flight. We arrived Beijing at 1 or 2 in the morning and didn’t get to bed until almost 3 am…

That same morning, I woke up to the Beijing City view. Beijing from the 41^st floor of our hotel was vast, developed, spread-out, metropolitan, and beautiful. The blue sky, white clouds, and clear and almost breathable City air was a stark contrast from what I had been hearing… I admired Beijing just from taking in the City view from our room.

The Forbidden City or the Palace Museum was our first stop after our long trip. Our not-so-good 200RMB English tour guide that we hired right outside of the Palace (approximately $30) walked us through with some brief description of the one third of the Palace that’s open to public. The Forbidden City was built in the 1400s by the Ming Dynasty, which was followed by numerous rebuilds after multiple fires and the Cultural Revolution. The Palace is approximately 730,000 square meters with 9,000 plus living quarters which housed the Emperor, Empress, Concubines, Eunuchs, Maid-of-honors (concubine-to-be) and service staff. The guide told us that if a baby was born and was allowed to change one living quarter a day, by the time the baby completes sleeping in all the rooms in the Forbidden City, the baby will be almost a grown 27-year old adult. People that came into the Forbidden City to serve the Emperor were not allowed to leave the City without permission. As a matter of fact, most of them ended up dying in the Forbidden City without ever stepping foot outside of the Palace once they had entered.

The walk from the North of the Palace to the South with frequent stops and wandering into various exhibits took us about four hours. The rich history, imperial architecture, strictly-followed rites and ceremonies, countless number of symbols and customs, and the ‘recently’ excavated treasuries were impossible to take-in with one walking tour…

The Forbidden City is enormous, mysterious, and intriguing not just because of the physical buildings and treasures that are presented in the center of Beijing City, but its history during the rule of each of the Emperors under their rein. What prompted the worship and the ruling of one man that comes with such a lavish and exaggerated lifestyle and power? Was it better to live outside with the City with the savages of real life or was it more comfortable living within the confines of the Forbidden City with a possible luxurious life for generations? I wondered while walking under the yellow golden roofs while snapping pictures… Why? How? When? Who? And what happened? I wish I knew more about Chinese history…

We were herded out, in large numbers, at the South end of the Palace by the security police. On the South entrance of the Palace hangs a large Mao picture with two Chinese sentences to the sides “Long live the People’s Republic of China” and “Long Live the Great Unity of the World's Citizens”. The twelve-lane Chang-an Avenue (not counting the bike lane on each side) that divided the Tiananmen and Tiananmen Square was already filled with traffic… It took another 30 minutes walk for us to hail a willing cab to take us back to our hotel. Despite the noise of the horn, the sea of people and cars, and the occasional cussing of the taxi driver, the grand and peaceful Forbidden City sits unfazed in the center of the modern and buzzing Beijing.

Human Whisperer?

2010-07-19T18:05:00.000-07:00

I love Cesar Millan's show, Dog Whisperer. I watch this show tirelessly even though we don't own a dog. Cesar always re-trains the owners to treat their dogs as dogs instead of as their children or family members and encourages owners to provide discipline before affection. His principle is "species, breed, then name", meaning treating the pet as a species (dog) first, then its breed (Dalmatian), and then its name (Smokey). Understanding that by treating Smokey as Smokey first, you inevitably allow and tolerate unwanted behavior and miss out on the opportunity to fulfill on the needs of the dog such as exercising. This is often where the behavioral problem of the pet originates. By treating Smokey as a dog and applying appropriate discipline, not only will the owner have less trouble handling the dog, Smokey will become calmer and happier.

Although Smokey's happiness is hard to measure or judge, the owners usually rave about the improvement of their pets' behavior after applying Cesar's principle. The principle is so simple and effective that it amazes me every time that I watch his show. It is clear that by romanticizing our pets as children or family members, it harms the very relationship that we desire. Other than with our pets, our efforts to enjoy great relationships with other human beings also seems to be sabotaged by the romantic notion of "name" first, "breed" second, and then "species" last.

In our day-to-day relationships, are we honoring people as people or are we interacting with others as their race, gender, education, political affiliation, or "breed"? With the people whom we love so dearly and sometimes believe that we "own", are we treating them as people or are we relating to them as "husband and wife", "colleagues", and "best-friend"? What are the consequences to our relationships by treating those that we care and love as "roles", "responsibilities", and "characters" rather than just another human being? The unfulfilled expectations of a wife or husband only arise when there are expectations of the role of husbands and wives instead of a human being to the other. An unappreciative daughter can only exist when the standard of an appreciative daughter gets established by demanding parents. Demanding parents are suffocating when their affection comes across not just as love from other human beings. Racism, sexism, homophobia, wars and a slew of human problems can probably be eradicated if we just apply Cesar's dog training principle to people: Treating people as people first. Who's ready to be a human whisperer?

Risky Business

2010-07-15T18:17:00.000-07:00

If you had a crystal ball and you only get a peak at one moment in your future, what would you like to see? Do you want to know who you'll be married to? Do you want to know what kind of retirement you'll get to have? Do you want to see what your kids would be like as adults? Do you want to know if long-term investment will pay off? Do you want to know who will be at your funeral? Do you want to see if you'll live a long healthy life? Looking at a snapshot of your future will definitely provide more certainty and a lot of people will probably trade or pay a handsome price to get a glimpse of what is to come, right?

Life is volatile, risky, and unpredictable. We get butterflies when we contemplate switching jobs for a higher pay but with a different boss, we suffer when we choose between the person that loves us and the person that we love, and we fight with our partners trying to figure out what's best for our children. Life is full of uncertainties but our tendencies to seek out certainties in life, makes life even more mysterious.

What if instead of a peak of the crystal ball, a session with the psychic, or a ride on the time machine, you actually know your future? You know that you should study music instead of engineering, you'll meet the love of your life at age 30 even though you thought John was the one for a split second. You will own your own business at age 40 and you'll have 3 children and have a beautiful house in Florida. Before you die, you will have 10 grandchildren and you'll be surrounded by people that you love and treasure. Or, forget about school and retirement, life will end abruptly for you so you better start enjoying it now!

If you know your future, will it take the fun out of living? Isn't life meant to be uncertain so that we get to experience, feel, and think in ways that we wouldn't be able to if we had all the answers? Life is risky business! Next time, if you get a bad hand dealt to you, remember that we earthlings are simply here to expand our capacities otherwise we'd all come equipped with a crystal ball. Don't you think?

Ignorance is bliss?

2010-06-27T20:44:00.000-07:00

Most of the time when we say "ignorance is bliss", we don't really think not knowing something is good, we just mean that people that don't know or are not interested in knowing maybe exempt from the frustration or consequence of knowing. Therefore, it's not that being ignorant translates into happiness or contentment, but it just avoids the possibility of unhappiness... But is it true that ignorance is bliss? Does knowledge bring us the never ending pursuit of better and more at the expense of our happiness? Or does knowledge simply expand the range of the happiness scale?

Before we moved to California, I had tried wine but didn't know much about it. I have had red and white wine from bottles, glasses, and boxes, but none of that made a difference to me. Wines were just another type of alcoholic beverage and as long as that's the case, they all tasted pretty good to me. After 10 years of living in California, it's hard not to have gone to wine tasting events, listened to professional wine makers and tasters about their experiences, and drink and share wine with wine enthusiasts, connoisseurs, and inevitably wine snobs. Since I am interested in the subject, I also learned a few things about wine making, wine tasting, and the characteristics of good tasting wine. These days, the same glass, bottle, or box wine just do not taste the same as the past. There are definitely good wines, bad wines, excellent and unforgettable wines, and downright offensive and disgusting wines!

Knowledge in this case reset the standard of my pallet which allowed me to differentiate amongst wines. The good news is that I am able to enjoy the good wines more than I used to, but the bad news is I will never be able to enjoy an "average" or "bad" glass of wine the same way I did before just because it was an alcoholic drink.

The standards established through acquired knowledge not only allowed me to enjoy wine, but also fresh sashimi, garden-grown tomatoes, a well-performed piece of music, and an interesting conversation with a friend at a level that's deeper and more meaningful. However, on the flip side, because of the new standards, some sushi restaurant and the non-vine ripened tomatoes just do not taste the same! If you were given a choice to enjoy wines without being able to differentiate the excellent from the average but always enjoy that glass of fermented grape alcoholic drink, which one will you choose? If the choice was not just wine, cuisine, and art but love, partner, and life itself, what will your choice be? Live blissfully or know these subjects inside and out and risk expanding the range of your happiness and experience the highs and lows of life?

The Constant Gardener

2010-05-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

Last May, I posted Gardening for Dummies wondering if I should get one of the Dummy book series to start my planter garden. Instead of the book, I asked for suggestions and tips from friends, colleagues, and gardeners, and paid close attention to all gardening related TV shows, radio segments, and internet articles. Since last summer, I have not only successfully grown tomatoes, cucumbers, broccoli, and various herbs, I have also had delicious planter box vegetables and countless servings of organic pesto dishes! This year, in addition to the planter boxes, I got really fancy and expanded our gardening space! As part of our backyard landscaping project, we ripped out most of the shrubs and gained a lot of real estate for gardening. Before executing phase II of our landscaping plan in September, we have one growing season so we went absolutely wild! After reaping the fruits of my labor from last year, Jim decided that he's going to plant 9 tomato plants and 15 various peppers. With the gardening confidence that I gained from last year's crops, I bought 24 heads of various lettuce varietals, cantaloupes, honeydews, parsley, oreganos, thyme, and of course, sweet basils. The most fancy gardening thing that I incorporated this year was to release ladybirds (ladybugs) to fight off aphids!

I couldn't wait until the sunset last night to release 1,500 ladybirds that came in a cheap plastic container... When I turned the container up side down in the tomato planter, they crawled on to the plants, making themselves at home. 7am this morning, I rushed out of bed to check on the headcount, they were busy buzzing around the plants getting a morning tan. I watched them in fascination with just a slight tampering. I gardened for the most part of the morning and a few hours after sunset. Jim and I are both exhausted after two days of digging, planting, watering, and more digging. Tomorrow will be another gardening day but the hard work will be all worth it when that delicious balsamic vinaigrette salad comes from the backyard.

It's time to let the ladybirds work their magic and for us to head to bed. Tomorrow will be another gardening day and we will be one day closer to having those fruits and vegetables in our plates!

Maximizing Shareholder Value

2010-05-21T22:43:00.000-07:00

If I sound a little too passionate about this subject, it's because I am.

Maximizing shareholder value has been taught in virtually all investment and finance related courses in school. The notion of maximizing shareholder value by cutting cost, reducing head count, increasing revenue, etc have been practiced and awarded in the corporate world. Manager bonuses are based on it, worker productivity is driven by it, and investor selection is reliant on it... However, is this the right thing to do for us as human beings? Has it become a sickness and maybe an obsession for us as managers, workers, and investors to maximize shareholder value?

The West Virginia mine that recently killed 29 people was operated by Massey Energy company. The company violated safety standards and was cited repeatedly by regulators due to safety concerns. Instead of spending money to correct the safety violations, the company fought the citations and ignored the high injury rate of the mineworkers. This kind of attitude eventually led to 29 deaths in 2010. Due to lack of safety precautions, in 2005, BP's accident at the refinery in Texas killed 15 people and injured 170. The oil spill today not only caused tremendous environmental damage, it also killed 11 workers. These are preventable 'accidents' that killed not just workers, but humans, one of us.

You and I will never hold a gun to someone's head and pull the trigger. If we did, we'd be arrested as murderers. We will never detonate an explosive to kill or injure anyone. If we did, we'd be hunted as terrorists. So, why is it acceptable for us as managers, workers, and investors to take others' lives in the name of maximizing shareholder value?

"Lifed"

2010-05-17T21:32:00.000-07:00

Apologies for not posting more often and thank you for continuing to read and check on my blog. During the past few months of not blogging, I got messages from people that I didn't expect who read my blog and complimented the postings, people that I haven't talked to much that followed the blog, and friends & family that supported me in writing. I want to thank all of you for reading and your comments, keep them coming!

I blog because I want to share what I have learned and experienced and writing things down helps me move forward. I don't necessarily want to share "positive" experiences, but I want to write about topics that are at least interesting and thought provoking (if I'm lucky).

It has been two and some months since my trip home from Thailand and I have been wanting to write and trying to share but I had no time, no energy, and no inspiration. Life has been busy and I have been doing life instead of living life. Yes, I was "lifed" by life and have been struggling to get off that hampster wheel... Spinning on the hampster wheel faster, slower, harder, lighter didn't make a difference. As long as I am on that wheel of life spinning, life becomes the master and I the slave. So, I decided to take life one day at a time. Not to deal with life but to live my life the way I choose to - one day at a time.

Instead of cancelling our action-packed weekend because our weekdays were tiring, Jim and I attended all the events over the weekend. Jim went to the beer fest with his friends, I cooked and we enjoyed dinner at Suzanne's, and we attended the 99th annual Bay to Breakers in San Francisco. Life became ours again by living it one day at a time the way we choose to... When you are on that hampster wheel, what do you do to get off of it?

Embrace

2010-02-17T06:12:00.000-08:00

The Thailand trip concluded yesterday on the third day of Chinese New Year. Parents and I left Angela’s place around 5am in the morning to catch our flights to Taiwan. I am not sure if it is age, awareness, or what the reason might be, the trip to Thailand this time versus the trip six years ago seem completely different to me. On this trip, I observed more, thought more, interacted with people more, and of course, loved it more! Six years ago, I visited as a tourist. This year, I visited Thailand more as a tourist-traveler - not completely a traveler yet but more so than the last time.

I want to say that Thailand is a precarious country with its rich and poor, haves and have-nots, luxurious resorts and slumps, and modern and traditional contrasting in my mind constantly and persistently. However, isn’t most places, so called “developing” countries from a Western perspective, like Thailand? I have no illusion that the divisions, contrasts, and contradictions exist in a country like Thailand only benefit a small group of people or corporations. However, I wonder, if the system was not set-up to benefit the lucky few, will the Cambodian, Burmese, and Thai work so hard almost to the point of slaving themselves to ensure that their next generation have an education to speak for? I wonder if the value of a day’s hard work will be as respected? And I wonder if countries like Thailand will be as energetic, exotic, intriguing, and exciting without these paradoxes?

I am not at all suggesting that the gap between rich and poor should be exploited, but what makes this trip so powerful, beautiful, and touching for me is the fact that I was able to see these conflicts, embrace their existence, without judgment.

A piece of me

2010-02-07T23:38:00.000-08:00

I woke up at 5 AM this morning, waiting in bed for the sky to turn on its lights. I needed to go get the last swim on the island in before we return to Bangkok. Yes, the last swim is a necessity, not just desire.

When I was in the ocean this morning, I intentionally looked at the mountains and its trees closer, observed their colors and forms. I paid closer attention to the sun and how it radiates and illuminates the sky. I listened more intently to the sound of tide splashing when it reaches the shore and the crackling noise within the ocean. I took in deeper breath of air than I normally would have, I floated and observed the clouds longer than I have been, and I stopped myself from brushing salt water off my face as much as I could bear… I made an effort to see, to listen, and to immerse myself for the last time on this vacation at this beach. Realizing that the end of this wonderful vacation has finally arrived, I decided to make the effort to enjoy and soak in what was there to experience. I saw more, heard more, and dunked my head in the water more…

The speedboat arrived as I was watching a father dive in the water to catch the Frisbee from his young son. The way the father dove, put a smile on my face, but watching the Lima Coco staff off load other guests’ luggage made me a little melancholy knowing that it was our time to go… As we walked out of the lobby / restaurant, we said goodbye to Noy and others, it was a sad moment knowing that the vacation at this magical place had to end, at that moment. I stepped onto the speedboat as the Frisbee landed right next to the boat, I looked up and saw the smiles on all of their faces, I knew that they must be having just as much fun as I did over the past week.

Pathetically, we were the only two returning to the pier where Jok awaited. Yes, I wish we took others with us – hey, misery loves company right? As our speedboat chopped through the waves, the water beneath lifted up the boat and dropped it almost simultaneously as if we were going over the very uneven bumpy road to the other side of the island. I looked back, we had already made the turn where the Ao Prao beach was no longer visible. I saw only mountains, white caps, and the emerald green ocean.

As our licensed boat driver kept his course, I realized that you probably shouldn’t visit Koh Samed, soak in the sunset, enjoy the sea breeze, and get accustomed to its beautiful nature if you are not ready to leave a piece of you there. The boat propelled forward with its noisy engine cutting the ocean behind it into a large triangle with the white caps falling and rippling into the ocean… Underneath my straw hat with my hair flaunting in the air, I knew that I will always have a place for Ao Prao’s sunset and that I have left a piece of me somewhere on the beach…

SEA-food

2010-02-06T21:39:00.000-08:00

Last night, we had our first ever dinner on the beach, unplanned. You can say that it happened by accident. We sat down by the dinner table and then Noi (our waitress) told us that we could enjoy our dinner on the beach, so we moved.

Honestly, it was on the beach. The real estate where we had our dinner table set up last night no longer existed this morning because of the tide. Apparently, the seafood feast on the beach is a custom here at Lima Coco on Friday and Saturday nights. After sunset, staff here brings out samples of raw seafood plates, fires up the grill, sets up the tables and chairs on the beach, and then, the feast begins. The feast last night was not your typical Hollywood beach dinner. It was family oriented, casual, and not-at-all pretentious. Families gathered around the bigger wooden tables and lovers the smaller ones. Kids played with their pails, buckets, and shovels on the sand right next to the parents’ tables. (What a great way to get them to not run around but still have fun. Let them play next to your tables on the ground, what a novel idea!) Staff of the resort was jotting down orders, making delicious seafood, and running around the sand beach delivering food and alcohol to hungry, thirsty guests.

Everyone was busy and we were no exception. Clams, prawns, mussels, scallops, and white wine were all amazingly fresh and tasty so we swallowed everything with ferocious speed. When we ordered our 3^rd and 4^th seafood plates, Noi hesitated in disbelief! While waiting for more delicious seafood, we grabbed our wine and strolled along the shoreline completely mesmerized by the beauty of the beach, how lucky we (and these kids) were, and contemplated on when and how to get our parents to come enjoy this magical experience.

The exquisite feast lasted for a couple of hours followed by a fire show performed by Ball. The kids were in awe and the adults were fully satiated and entertained. Our evening ended with tropical cocktails, light music, and ocean splashing in the background. I thought to myself, “I can really get use to this.”

Paradise Lost

2010-02-06T02:29:00.001-08:00

It was 4 in the morning. I woke Jim up and he told me it was only 4. I have been lying there for about 30 minutes with my eyes wide open before I woke him.

As I lay in bed, I wondered if it was time for the sunrise and the morning swim. I can’t believe that the first thing that crossed my mind every morning on Koh Samed has been “is it light enough to go swim yet?” I had to go this morning because I floated in the ocean yesterday, as an experiment, to see if the tide was pulling or pushing harder. I concluded that it was pulling harder in the morning as I floated away. The experiment has to be repeated and the same result has to be drawn to make it conclusive. I have to try again this morning. My thoughts ran wild. I am obsessed with having the ocean all to myself. I was in bed, the sea was calling. I was powerless, just waiting for the sun to light up the sky. “That’s why Lima Coco’s slogan is ‘the sea is calling’!” The lightbulb went off in my head! It brought a smile to my face in the dark room.

All of a sudden, I saw something moving on the wall. Maybe it was just a shadow. But it moved again and curled itself around, underneath the air conditioner. The black wall-crawler was probably 8 inches long. I stared in disbelief, scared that it would head over above our bed or down the wall. I turned on the air conditioner, hoping the commotion will scare this animal to the right direction – away from us. I have always been deathly afraid of reptiles - the kind with four legs that crawls like a confused marching soldier with same arm and same leg in synchronization – in this case, all legs. No matter how beneficial these little (or big) creatures can be for the environment, please just stay away from me and don’t let me see them doing their thing! (Needless to say, I will never switch to Geico insurance) Did I say I am deathly afraid of reptiles? After I turned on the AC, the reptile went behind the overhead AC unit. I got up, turned the light on, woke Jim, and told him about the reptile. He looked, there was nothing! He fell back to sleep after he told me the time. I can’t go get help if it’s only 4am. Defeated, I stayed awake, read my book, surveilled the AC with my peripheral vision. But seriously, what was I going to do if the animal emerged? I made up my mind that I was going to scream to wake Jim but I was going to head for the door flee to safety. As I battled with my sleepiness, my paranoia, and my fear, I woke up late and missed my morning swim.

We went kayaking after breakfast as I asked the staff on the resort to check on our AC for the reptile. I settled back in the lobby / lounge of our hotel after kayaking which almost killed Jim from the sea sickness. Maybe it was breaking of the rituals yesterday and that the reptile was an omen? Yes, I am paranoid! Deathly afraid, I said! I will follow the rituals for the rest of the day, so please please please, no more reptile on the wall.

Guests

2010-02-05T22:08:00.000-08:00

A boatload of tourists just arrived by the Lima Coco speedboat. That was how we got here last week. I didn’t understand what the staring was all about when we arrived, but now I do, as I fixed my gaze on those lucky guests of paradise. The beach got busier the past 2-3 days as the weekend approached. The guests are greeted with a mobile dock that’s attached behind a truck. You can see everyone focusing their attention on the arrival of new guests, maybe because the ocean is so peaceful without the speedboat, or maybe because everyone reads the future of these newcomers and secretly wishing that it was them that just arrived, in envy, possibly jealousy.

Our guest of honor didn’t arrive on a speedboat last night. He was born and raised here on paradise, I assume. The little island cat was quite rude and a little intrusive, I might add.

It was our second day watching the amazing sunset from the restaurant/lobby. Where we sat, was directly across where the spectacle happens day in and day out. The guests that have been here longer knew about the show and we compete for the best seats in the house. The orange bright sun starts midway in the sky by seducing the clouds to turn orange, gray, and purple as it prepares itself for the dive. The clouds seduced, tinted themselves. The ocean glistened at the first opportunity to entice the sun to take its plunge. From where we sat, people on the beach turned dark with only their silhouette visible as to avoid competition. The dance and contest for beauty didn’t last long. The calm, sparkling, red ocean wins. It had swallowed the sun and the clouds dissipated in dusk. As we watched all of this happen from our front row seat, we spotted this long legged cat that roamed the beach chasing little animals, possibly a crab, minding its own business ignoring the spectacular sunset. He has probably seen too many of these same shows. It gets old after a while even the sunset here on Koh Samed…

As our dinner arrived, the tiny cat, our guest of honor, decided that he would not only share a table with us, but my chair with me. I fed him our leftover steamed fish. He ate, and begged for more by jumping on to my lap. I laid down the rules – nicely. I asked him to sit on the other chair – incentivized with more fish of course.

Our guest was tired. He laid on the chair next to mine after his meal. He closed his eyes, dozed off, and showed no interest on what was going on around him. More guests came for their feasts as we concluded our dinner.

In the darkness, more speedboats pulled up to shore with glaring lights as more guests arrived for the weekend. I stared them down, envious, and a little jealous.

Island Excursion, Heat Exhaustion

2010-02-04T22:55:00.000-08:00

We wake at dawn and eat at dusk. Doesn’t matter the time, it has been our routine since we got to Koh Samed. Call it a “rut” if you will. That’s what Mike always says, “You are in a freaking rut”. We wake up early to dip in the sea, shower, and enjoy our breakfast. After that, we read, I write, we drink, and we nap. We don’t leave our room until it’s later in the afternoon for either a massage or for more drinks, then it will be dinner - served by the ocean. In my defense, on this beautiful island, I call it a ritual not a rut.

To break the routine, we decided that we’ll go explore the rest of Koh Samed like we planned to do when we first arrived. The relaxing life at Lima Coco has made it hard to have the incentive to go anywhere. Keeping our word, we called for a “taxi” to go to the east side of the island after breakfast. The road was not paved; it was bumpy and filled with big, deep, and unforgiving pot holes. They definitely need a Jeep on this island, this road is the only reason why a Jeep should be driven.

Our island excursion started out fine with the 200 baht taxi ride. Although the road was bumpy, the taxi driver spoke sufficient English where he directed us to different places. He dropped us at a tourism center that was a short distance from an east coast Koh Samed beach, a street where we could shop with farlung pricing, and a road to the other resort that’s owned by Angela’s friend. We were set, and the taxi driver was going to pick us up in 4 hours. Jim wanted 3 hours and I wanted 4, unfortunately, I got my way… We checked out the crowded beach where all the younger tourists go (our beach had a lot more families whereas this one was an obvious single and farlung filled party beach) I shopped for clothing and accessories, and we checked out Lima Bella that’s on east side of the island. By this time, all of my ambition to learn more about the east coast of Samed was all gone. Sweat was not dripping down my face, but it was pouring from everywhere. Jim and I had to visit the 7-11 twice to cool down, an ice cream and ice tea later, still didn’t solve our problems. When we arrived Lima Bella on foot through more dirt roads, we didn’t look very “bella” at all. The staff on the resort laughed at us in Thai. Yes, we looked that pathetic while they were working in their black long-sleeved shirts.

Thank God that they were serving buy 1 get 1 free Barcardi breezers by the infinity pool. The vast difference in living conditions between the town and resort was our saving graces. Splashing water all over my face, sitting in front of a fan, downing several not so breezy Bacardi breezers, and rubbing ice everywhere (including my head) were not taking the heat away at all. I think this is my first heat exhaustion on the trip. Seriously, who’s idea was it to leave the comfort of our resort for this excursion? Oh, it was mine… I was so hot, dizzy, and sweaty that I had to take a taxi back to Lima Coco without finishing my breezer, playing with the long leg Thai cat, or Jim…

In the comfort of our air-conditioned bungalow, I decided that tomorrow, I will honor our ritual instead…

Little things

2010-02-03T20:16:00.000-08:00

I tip-toed out of our room in my bikini around 6 in the morning. Since our arrival at Lima Coco, I have completely lost track of the day and time. It was probably around 6 in the morning because it was getting bright outside. Daylight started around 6 in Bangkok so I assume that it must be the same here in Ko Samed. I have been waiting for the sky to light up since last night…

The flimsy doorknob made a clunk sound when I shut the door of our bungalow. I ran towards the beach down the luggage slope. There were people cleaning the resort, trimming grass, and sweeping the restaurant / lobby. They looked at me as if I was crazy to be so happy so early in the morning. I jumped in the ocean without warming up. The water temperature was just right and there was no one in the ocean. It was just me. The ocean belonged to me! I swam out to the deep side the ocean, way beyond where I can reach the bottom with my feet. I turned around to face the land, marveled at the beach, the bungalows, and the mountains. I thought, if God or gods had a residence on earth, it must be here… I swam back closer to shore, stood in the spot where the tide pulls and pushes. I stood in silence, watched and felt the pull and push of the tide for the very first time. I am sure there are a lot of spots like this one, but where I stood, it was cool! The sun slowly climbed up the mountains behind the resort and lit up the clouds above the ocean. There I was, in the middle of nature, in the ocean, floating like an upside down jellyfish.

We had breakfast, so it must be around 9 or so because breakfast doesn’t start until 8. We took a walk on the beach right away to avoid the heat later on in the day. The gentle waves washed up tiny sand colored crabs that I just absolutely had to chase down. Dad had taught me the crab digging technique on the beach, but these tiny ones were roaming free so it will save a lot of work for me if I caught one. These little crabs moved really fast and after several attempts, I finally caught one! Satisfied, we continued our walk between the shoreline where the waves meet the beach. Dodging the bigger waves by jumping on the sand and letting the smaller waves wash off the sand on my newly painted toes was a treat in itself.

I settled in the hotel lobby with my books, sunglasses, camera, and sun tan lotion. I can’t help but observe all the tourists that are getting ready for their first swim of the day in this hot morning. They were all quite red already, like lobsters, but they lounged and swam anyway. The staff of the resorts moved in slow motion completing their daily routine and the masseuse started with their first client of the day so it must be 10.

Life here is so slow and calming. I am only concerned about the littlest things that happen on the beach, at the resort, in the ocean, and my tummy. Who should wear their swimsuit and stroll down the beach and who shouldn’t? Which holes on the beach have crabs in them and which ones don’t? Which book am I going to read after I finish The Stranger? If the sun rose from behind the mountains, it should set in the ocean that faces that lobby, am I going to miss it? What will be my next drink and my next dish that I should order? Relaxing means that these are not the least of my concerns but most of my worries! If only if these were the only things that I am worried about, always.

I just ordered my first coconut of the day without vodka this time. My next drink will be my first Johnny Walker on this island, probably around 11 or 12?

Lilly on the beach

2010-02-03T02:59:00.000-08:00

A Norwegian girl, Lilly, with black curly hair has been coming by while I sat by the beach getting my foot massage (one step removed from another oil massage), pedicure, and manicure. She taught the Thai ladies and I how to say “fly” in Norwegian as she pointed to the flies that landed on my calf. “Flu-wa”! She said several times, slowly, correcting our pronunciations. Staff here on the resort told me that they have been here for the past two to three weeks so most of the staff knew her and adore her. They come here every year from Norway and this was her last day this year… I tried teaching her my name and the word “fly” in English, but she seems to have little interest. The staff tried to get a kiss from her but she refused. I asked her how to say kiss, she said, “suss”. Mind you, that she doesn’t speak English and I don’t speak a word of Norwegian (other than flu-wa) she understood what I was asking and taught us the word – thanks to the international language of pucker the lips.

Lilly and I are the lucky ones that get to sit by the ocean, listen to the wave splashing on the shore, while getting our nails painted and foot massaged. As I look over the general direction where her parents were, the ocean looked so calm, the grass and hills looked so green, the palm trees leaned so perfectly, and everything so peaceful and relaxed… We are the lucky ones that get to come here and enjoy this beautiful nature while being tended and cared for. We are lucky in the sense that we were born to the “right” places, the “right” time, and with the “right” parents. One can argue that Lilly at her young age get to enjoy the resorts and services for weeks every year, she’s luckier than I am. However, I am not going to rank our good fortune or with the slightest intention to minimize how lucky I get to spend this kind of time on this very beach.

This is the first time in a long time that I felt this relaxed. Perhaps, the last time, was six years ago at the same place here in Ko Samed. Since we arrived Thailand, I have been eating, drinking, sleeping, reading, thinking, and writing. All of which brings out the best of me.

Without the worries of work, career, the day-to-day productivity that’s required of me, I am able to enjoy thinking, solitude, and best of all - myself. It must be the indulgence of getting a massage under the palm trees and shade, with the sea breeze and sound of the waves gently tapping my face that I finally forgot about the worries of my modern life and found some peace, inner peace.

I looked over. Lilly was fast asleep, sunken in her massage chair, after being pampered on this peaceful and luxurious heaven on earth.

Floating Market

2010-02-01T02:33:00.000-08:00

Speaking of Jok’s friend, he’s definitely not as honest as Jok. Angela has been using Jok for a very good reason... The Damnoen Saduak floating market in the Ratchaburi Province is one of the most popular tourist destinations, or shall we say “tourist trap”. This is one of the oldest floating markets in Thailand and it is probably the most crowded floating market with tourists these days. Prior to our trip, Jok told us that the long-tailed boats will cost about 40-60 baht per person for Thais and approximately 500-2000 baht for farlung (foreigners). He warned us, but he couldn’t take us. Guess where his friends took us? The farlung boat dock, of course.

“It’s 500 Thai Baht per person for the boat ride”, the boat owner said without blushing. “The taxi driver just told us it was 300 Thai Baht per person”, I protested. I wasn’t making this up. I wanted to see if Jok’s friend was taking us to the right place so I checked ahead of time. I didn’t argue when he said 300 baht per person, knowing he’s taking us to the farlung boat dock, at least, that was the cheaper end of the farlung price. Traveling with a blonde-hair husband that looks nothing like Thai, 300 baht wasn’t bad. The boat owner gave the taxi driver a look, he agreed. 300 baht per person and he assigned us this lady that was probably in her early 50s to row our boat. “Jim probably will end up doing some work too, maybe we should have paid full price?” I thought to myself.

The canal that leads to the floating market was narrow, narrower than I would have imagined. Our boat rower pulled over to the side of the canal to let a motored, long-tail boat pass right after we made our first turn. The waves that the motored boat stirred up, made me concerned that the greenish brown water will splash all over us. It didn’t, so I took the first breath of relief. Jim was still holding his breath because the boat was very unstable and I was rocking it by trying to take photos… Another six to seven motored long-tail boat passed by us before we reached the shops on the canal. (How come our boat was not motored and the motored ones always have the right-of-way?)

The shopping was quite interesting. The boat rowers will row the boats next to a store along the canal, the merchant who speaks multiple languages will guess your nationality, advertise in that language, then switch the language if she realizes that you are from a different country. So, I didn’t say a word so that we didn’t get harassed. Needless to say, that didn’t last long. We were coerced, we gave in, and bought a couple of purses, a dress, food, and some beers. Haggling was fun though! Everything we purchased was more than 50% off! (I checked prices with Angie later and I got them for good prices) The best purchase was the boat noodle for 30 baht! The noodle lady covered all of her ingredients, spieces, and seasonings under a cloth. She mixed the noodles, threw in the cooked meat, and ladled the soup in the bowl only when there's an order. The cool thing was that the cooking and service were all done from her boat. Hence, the boat noodle. You enjoy the noodle on the comfort of your own boat and the boat rower will return the bowls after you leave. It was a small bowl of noodles but it was delicious! I had two and half bowls by myself (half of Jim’s that he didn’t finish) and I think that surprised the skinny Thai ladies including the boat rower! Beers were enjoyed with the noodles. Aparently, riding under the influence with an open can wasn’t a problem at all!

An hour and half and plenty of sweat later, the boat rower finally made a turn and took us to the Thai Thai market. (Meaning - the market where the locals go) Yes, we were duped in believing the farlung shops were the actual Thai market. I was so hot at this point that I really wanted the boat to turn around, but we can’t leave without going to the “real” floating market, right?

The traffic was horrible in the canal. Yes, traffic. Boats that carry food, drinks, tourists, locals, and produce compete for space in the narrow canal. We got up close and personal with merchants and boat riders. Tourists were snapping pictures (including me), merchants were selling, rowing, and sometimes cooking, and locals were going about their day… Jim bought some coconut infused pancake snack from a boat that was four boats away from us stacked right against one another. The pancake lady skillfully passed the pancake snack to the merchant next to her boat and we were encouraged to pass the money to the boat rower next to ours... The transaction was complete efficiently with boats going about their own directions. We ate the coconut pancake snack in amazement of this orderly chaos.

I couldn’t take the heat anymore so we headed back to our car after 2.5 hours. On our way back to our dock, we saw people’s way of life on the canal. Kids playing along the canal, people lying in the hammock underneath their homes, boats parked in their boat “parking lot”, and women washing dishes in the canal. NO!!!! They didn’t just dip their dish in that dirty canal. But they did! Jim and I looked at each other and braced ourselves for a violent stomach ache after having consumed the boat noodles.

At this time, in the middle of the canal, we were solicited by our boat rower to tip her before we reached the last turn back to the boat dock. We dutifully complied.

This was a fun trip. It was hot, curious, exotic, dodgy, different, and very interesting. I’d recommend anyone to come to the floating market in Ratchaburi Province. Make sure you pay the Thai prices, go to the Thai floating market first, bargain for your purchases, and prepare your stomach to stomach some yummy boat noodles.

Conflict Resolution

2010-02-01T01:07:00.000-08:00

Jok’s car is still out of commission so Jim and I rode with his friend instead. We headed out of Bangkok to the famous Damnoen Saduak floating market. The ride was smooth so I looked out of the window our entire two-hour ride to the market.

The highway runs through an industrial park; factories, chemical plants, scrap yards, other manufacturing compounds were everywhere. The side of the roads was piled with dirt, garbage, leftover construction material, and more dirt. As soon as I was ready to slouch back into my seat and declare that there was really nothing to see, and there it was, a golden, shining, architecturally fascinating temple that caught my eyes. Who built the temple here with such grand scale? Who worship at this temple? Do they need to have the temple here because working here can be so obviously depressing? Or maybe being allowed here to work is such a blessing that they built the temple to thank the Buddha for answering their prayers? The dirt piles, factories, and grand golden temples went on for miles, which to me, was such a contradiction...

Can you imagine living in a country so contradictory like Thailand? Not only the old and young are caught in between a different value system like the rest of us, the disparity between the super rich and dirt poor, the balance between the pursuit of capitalism and devotion to religion, and the living condition that is between modern high-rises with top-end Western amenities versus mud huts with absolutely nothing . How can a place and its people allow so much contractions and conflicts to co-exist? Could it be the teaching and practices of Buddhism? Or is it the hopeful and compromising nature of the Thais?

To thrive in a contradictory place like Thailand, what qualities and skills do you have to acquire so that you survive, and survive happily? I wonder, if I was living in this part of the world, what traits do I lack, as a product of Western education, will allow me to thrive? The answer to this question will probably improve my chances of resolving conflicts in my day-to-day seemingly “Western” world.

Newbies

2010-01-31T08:17:00.000-08:00

Ok, I have to admit that I am not very good with being pampered. I can count with my hands the number of time that I have had manicures or pedicures my whole life. I can’t say the same thing about massages, but it has not been that many times. I am extremely ticklish so I never enjoyed massages when I was young, now that I am older and not as sensitive, I can enjoy massages now and then but I am still very self-conscious about the idea of being massaged.

Since Angela’s stay with us, she’s booked us several massages to a place that’s close to our house. I had two massages and they were both good. However, if I had to choose between great wine & food versus massages, wine and food will always win. So, now that you know where I stand with massages, I will share my first massage of this trip with you…

I was still asleep when the masseuse showed up at Angela’s flat. I was still drowsy and confused when they came into our room. As soon as they asked us to take off all of our clothes, THAT woke me up. I looked over from the mat on the floor to see what Jim was doing, he was already getting under his towel by this time. Ok – I thought to myself, if he’s ok with this, why shouldn’t I be? I faced down, tried to hide under the tiny towel that Angela gave me (I think it was more of a floor mat but that will have to do for now) and closed my eyes. I told myself, my masseuse is a woman, so who cares. (Obviously, I do) She started with my right foot, calf, thigh, and then the right glute. All of a sudden, I felt this brush. “No, she didn’t just do that”. She was massaging my foot when I started wondering if she brushed up against the trough of the valley. Then there it was again. “Yup, she did!” I thought to myself. I thought they were not supposed to touch your back door! “Oh well, as long as she doesn’t massage there, it is what it is… But, did she wash her hands after the pervious client?” I continued to have thoughts like these for the next hour. When she curled up my leg to press into my thigh, I raised my head like a helpless turtle; usually this will get the masseuse to lighten up but not this one… I tried to communicate, but it just brought more confusion and pain… I told myself, “I will have to learn – harder, softer, and no in Thai before getting another massage”

I heard Jim flip over and saw his masseuse climb over the other side of the bed. I knew it was my time to do the same thing because the masseuse were pretty much synchronized. I can tell that my masseuse was a newbie and she was following Jim’s lady. So I flopped, with very little to cover me. Jim’s lady actually came over and helped my newbie masseuse to tuck that floor mat around my very private part. As my masseuse massaged my legs, I was a little concerned that she doesn’t respect the boundary of that floor mat. Just as soon as I started worrying about it, she brushed against me… This time, the flip side of the valley trough. I didn’t dare to say anything, afraid that she would be mistaken… I looked over to Jim’s bed wondering what was going on there. “Did he just get brushed against, like me?” “He seems to enjoy his massage, is that good?” Then she moved up to my belly. When she started massaging my stomach, I can’t help but think, “what if one of us farted right now?” I burst out laughing when that thought crossed my mind. I laughed hard and couldn’t stop myself and the two ladies also laughed with me, but not sure why. Then, the experienced one turned and said something in Thai to the less experienced one and started working on Jim again. My masseuse immediately started tenderizing my breasts. By this point, I figured stop laughing and stop dwelling on my own thoughts would be beneficial for me. So I tried to relax like a good chicken.

Jim was asked to sit up at this point, he saw my lady giving me a breast massage. I caught a glimpse of surprise on his face and then he closed his eyes to relax. I couldn’t help but think, “You better stay cool, calm, and collected. Otherwise it will be hilarious and embarrassing…”

As I have told you, I am not a very good at being pampered. It’s way too funny how self-conscious I get in these moments and it’s way too funny when I observe my own thoughts and running commentaries. But don’t worry, I will have plenty of massages this vacation and I am sure I will get over the “novelty” soon, I think.

Concrete Jungle

2010-01-31T00:04:00.000-08:00

We passed through Thai immigration with no problem. The immigration officer seemed to think Ryan was very cute. At the end of her questioning (mostly questioning Angela, who can communicate with her), she grabbed Ryan’s hand and said her goodbye. I caught myself thinking, “the American immigration officer would never do that! Why is it that everything needs to be so ‘professional’ and ‘non-human’ in the US?”

The Bangkok airport reminds me of most major airports that I have been to. The airports are large, plain, and not very welcoming. Walkways in the airports are usually lit with florescent lights and the walls are plastic and flooring blah. The oversized conveyor belts and silver panels that wrap around baggage claim are probably the most interesting things on the arrival side of the airport. At least the kids tend to think so…

The flight arrived at 2am so claiming luggage was a piece of cake. After I changed Ryan in the restroom, Angela and Jim already had all of our 8 pieces of luggage and carry-ons. (Mostly Ryan’s stuff) As we met up with Jok (Angela’s personal taxi driver – yes, there’s such a thing) and his friend, the humidity and heat at the parking lot made me realize that this is going to be a completely different living environment and experience for Ryan. I took Ryan out of his baby-bjorn and the extra layer of clothing, then sat in the car behind the driver seat with my arms around him. If we get into an accident, Jok will be the human airbag and I will be the steadfast car seat…

The drive to Angela’s from the airport is approximately 30 minutes without traffic. Since it was 3 in the morning, the only traffic was trucks going up and down the highway. The shadows created by the orange-yellow colored light rays can be dizzying if the car is going too fast. Ryan was in my arms with his eyes wide open. I wondered what he thinks of moving from tree-lined streets in Gold River to a city woven with concrete… I grew up in a city like Bangkok but I never realized how different it could be for someone else. Not that I didn’t realize the differences between Gold River and Bangkok but it never occurred to me that the differences would be so vast, shocking or unsettling to others. I am lucky to have lived in both places and have both places represent normalcy for me. Ryan now will have the opportunity to live in a concrete jungle like Bangkok and have it be 'normal' for him.

Jok pulled over and told us that his propane converted energy efficient car won’t be able to make it. The car either needs more propane or it needs fixing (that's right, 3 am in the morning). We decided to get an “unrelated” taxi to haul us in. As we stood in the middle of nowhere hailing for a cab, everyone seems stressed out but I thought it was kind of funny and neat. I don't expect everything to work in Bangkok like how things are back home... The second cab came and we hopped in. This taxi driver was younger and he drove a lot faster. I held on to Ryan tighter than the previous ride trying to stabilize him so he doesn’t fly out of my arms when the driver hits the potholes. Our taxi sped through the streets like an arrow in the middle of the night – I felt like we were in one of those movies during a car chase scene. 15 minutes later, we got to our destination safely but both Ryan and I were sweaty, sticky, and probably stinky (for different reasons). I got out of the car satisfied because I know that Ryan will have an interesting time here in Thailand. If he doesn’t remember, we will remind him. Not from our perspective, but from his – from a perspective that’s novel.

Reflecting on 2009

2010-01-02T18:07:00.000-08:00

Our 2009 started at Suzanne's New Year's party and ended with Ryan arriving to our family and staying with us in Sacramento. This year has been everywhere. It was extremely busy but exciting. It was chaotic but definitely fulfilling. It was packed with challenges, love, frustrations, unknowns, surprises, friendships, ups and downs, but mostly - life itself...

As I reflect on 2009 and reading the blog post "Curious & Beautiful 2009", I see that my 2009 was definitely a year filled with a lot of unknowns that required a lot of curiosity to explore and enjoy these uncharted territories. The year started with the last stretch of the Introduction Leader's Program. This is the program that I spent 7 months with an action packed schedule to lead introductions. The program ended in March of 2009. From then, Angela, Mariola, Andrew, the Kershek's, the Chen's, Frank, Kelly, and Danielle visited us in Sacramento from all over the world. On these visits, we went to Napa Valley for new wines and we also tried new wineries in Placerville, the Foothills, and Amador County. During this time, Nikki turned one year old and we partied up with tons of kids and adults, and I also flew back to Taiwan to support my mom with her doctor visits. By the time we celebrated Lucy's 22nd birthday, summer was almost over. Shortly after July, I started a new job with the Infrastructure group learning about investing in infrastructure assets for the pension fund. I traveled to DC for a conference and it opened my eyes to a different perspective of how this country is run and how policies are established. Angela moved in with us in September and we threw a 'semi-surprise' party for Jim's 33rd birthday. From there, we went to a comedy show, a world music festival, Halloween bar hop, Thanksgiving Run to Feed the Hungry , cooking Thanksgiving meal for the family, Black Friday shopping, family gatherings, Christmas, and finally New Year's eve...

I took up belly dancing in the beginning of the year and it made me feel sexy so I was confident enough to cut my hair short! The communication courses, new job, the conference that I attended, and the material that I have learned over this year made me feel a little smarter and more beautiful inside. I also bought cookbooks and looked up recipes online to cook Persian and Indian food as ways to explore and expand my understanding of spices and different types of cuisine... I also felt more fit having completed the Thanksgiving Run in my goal time (1 hour and 20 minutes plus some seconds) and I felt accomplished and powerful becoming a top 20 fundraiser for the Run.

Although I didn't succeed in taking a piano lesson, golfing more, and cooking three times a week, I feel that I have achieved having a curious and beautiful year. I learned that I have the capacity to be beautiful inside and out if I allow myself to be curious. Because of the 2009 theme, I have improved my ability to accept compliments from others and own up to my achievements. During this year, I have also experienced a tremendous amount of love from all of my friends, family, and most amazingly from Ryan. With Ryan's arrival, love and parenthood have a completely new meaning to me and I know that Ryan will continue to surprise me.

I can't wait to set a new theme for 2010 and experience another action packed beautiful year!

Your 1st Christmas Eve

2009-12-24T23:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Baby Ryan,
This is your 7th week in this world and your first Christmas Eve. Yes, it is still a little hard to imagine when the doctors pulled you out of your mother's tummy - you were purple, slimy, quiet, and almost lifeless..... Tonight is Christmas eve, your uncle Jim, mommy, and I played scrabble, had snacks, and drank wines just like some of those evenings before you were born. Tonight, you were sitting in your swing with your pacifier, listening to Christmas music, and staring right back at us.....

Ryan, I know that you are leaving in the next three weeks or so to go back to Thailand with your mother but I want you to know that the time that we have spent together changed your uncle Jim and I - forever... Your uncle Jim has never changed a diaper in his life even though Zoe and Gabe were his first niece and nephew. Now, not only that uncle Jim is an expert in diaper changing, he is also a well-trained baby-burper, car-seat securer, and sometimes even as your baby mattress. As for me, not only you are the first baby diaper that I have ever changed, I also embraced the baby squeal that I once can't tolerate. These days, every time when you cry with your high pitch voice, I just know that if I did something different, you'd be more comfortable and you'd quiet down. It has become my responsibility to ensure that your needs are met. And that, is a new concept to me...

As I sipped the last glass of Merlot and listened to Josh Groban with you on my chest, tears almost fell out of my eyes... What I want for you baby Ryan is the best that there is to have, and I wish you the best for you when you go to Thailand with your mother. No matter what life throws at you, you'll always have your uncle Jim and I here thinking, missing, and wishing you the best..... Ryan, thank you for having changed our lives, thank you for only demanded what you needed and not more, and thank you for allowing us to contribute to your life the only way we know how. Watching you grow day after day is one of the biggest reward in life that I have ever experienced. Thank you Ryan, and good luck. We will miss you terribly...

Auntie Anny

Beautiful Lifestyle

2009-11-21T14:34:00.000-08:00

I was in the backyard with my mother yesterday afternoon. Mom enjoys having fresh cut flowers in the house and she was going around our backyard trying to get leafy greens for the flower arrangement. We trimmed little shrubs and potted plants, and we walked around the back and side yard to discuss how to care for different types of plants. Mom has always enjoyed gardening and she is the only one in our family who knows how to do all of that. She has the green thumb.

Mom used to have a huge backyard in Taipei but ever since dad got sick, mom traded her house in the "mountains" for a house in the city so she doesn't have the space to garden anymore. She does what she can in the balconies and outside of her front door, and she also supplement the lack of garden with fresh cut flowers all over the house. Although our backyard in California has not been kept up like her old yard, she enjoyed going around and finding the things that she needs to arrange flowers. After she found everything that she needed in our yard, she came up with three different 'styles' of flower arrangements in three different vases. I was amazed by the kind of material that she was able to collect and by her creativity for arranging the flowers the way she did... I could tell that she was happy. Not only she had the opportunity to work in the yard, to create something beautiful, but best of all, it was free!

After we came in to the house, she admired the flower that she put together through our family room window that faces the pool, then she said "beauty in one's in lifestyle is a creation, and it's not to be taken for granted."

Mom has always been someone who's into making her home and her life beautiful, but I have always had a judgement about her wanting to look good for others. Last night, when she said what she said, it was the first time that I heard what she was really saying, and what she said had a completely different impact on me. I saw for myself that I have never cared or valued anything about having a beautiful house, having a well decorated bedroom, or a well maintained backyard. To me, those are just extra work that creates no added value. Because I have never placed any value on having a beautiful home or lifestyle, I have never understood that this was a way that my mother contribute to our lives.

Yesterday was the first time I realized how my 'correct' values can blind me from appreciating others' contribution, yesterday was the first time I appreciated my mother's effort of making my house a beautiful home, and yesterday was the first time I can share her joy for having contributed to our lives.

24

2009-11-07T15:46:00.001-08:00

Dear baby Ryan,

Being beside you for the first 24 hours of your life has been truly miraculous and transformational for your auntie Anny and our whole family. I am amazed at how you can be so little yet so powerful in changing all of our lives. With your arrival, my sister became your mother, my parents became your grandparents, my husband became your uncle, and I became someone who knows that I am capable of taking care of a little baby like you.

Last night, you slept on the sofa bed in the hospital with me swaddled like a little cocoon. Whenever you had your reflexes or little tremors, you'd wake me up, I'd rub your little cocoon, and you'd fall asleep again. You kept up with your little movements all night and I'd wake up to make sure that you were doing well. Sometimes, you'd fall asleep after a longer rub but sometimes you'd fall right back to sleep. When you go back to sleep quickly, I'd watch you laying there with your eyes forming two little dashes going across your face. You looked content, at peace, and well-adjusted and I asked myself, "Is Ryan's first night in our world a good experience for him?" Ryan, you see, all of us adults have issues that we are dealing with in this world that do not give us the kind of peace and satisfaction that I see in you. However, watching you last night made me realize that we were all born the same way you were - peaceful, content, perfect, and whole.

Baby Ryan, you were being a little baby last night but I saw the capacity and possibility of motherhood for me. My age old fear of not being a good enough mother was melted away by the peace that poured out of you. Your first 24 hours convinced me that I am capable of being a loving mother. So what's next? I just can't wait to journey into the future with you!

Sickness Update

2009-09-24T16:00:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to put this on the blog but felt like it is important enough for people to know about it so here you go...

A colleague of mine got sick about two weeks ago and I talked her for about 30mins and 2 hours after our conversation, I was dizzy and I came down with a flu right away. I had a fever and body ache but I went about my business for about 10 more days. Three days ago, everything went down hill... My fever wouldn't break, my headache won't go away, the chest congestion and cough just kicked in. I've never felt so bad before that I couldn't go to work or do anything else, so I knew that the cold was bad. Yes, I suspected that it was H1N1 but had to get tested to know for sure right?

So, I went to the hospital to see my primary care doctor, she prescribed a few medications for my symptoms while she sat about 6 feet away from me while we were both wearing surgical masks. She said that everything was fine and there wasn't a need to get tested for H1N1 or getting the Tamiflu or other antiviral drugs. I was sitting there thinking, if everything is ok, why are you sitting so far away from me with your mask on? I went home, took all the meds, and woke up the next morning didn't feel a tad better.

At the suggestion of my wise mother, I went to the ER the next day and found out the reasons that my primary care doctor didn't want to get me tested. This is what I want to share with those of you who are in the US... The ER doctor told me that they have had a lot of patients that came in with influenza. The seasonal influenza actually kills more people than then H1N1 (or swine flu) and since Northern California only has one laboratory that can test for H1N1, doctors in ER have been ordered by CDC not to send tests to labs but just prescribe antiviral drugs for those that go in with flu like symptoms.

This experience tells me that the CDC no longer tracks the number of patients with H1N1 and it is far more prevalent than we think. You probably had it, fought it off, and passed it to someone else already... Whoever has flu like symptoms that last longer than usual should get yourself treated right away with antiviral drugs. In the mean time, stay away from your healthy family members and wear a mask to prevent giving the flu to others if you have to go somewhere public. Kids and pregnant women are especially high risk. And to avoid complications, stay away from aspirin and aspirin related products if you suspect that you have H1N1.

I did get my antiviral medicine from the ER but never got tested for H1N1. I'm ordered not to go into work for a week... so good luck everyone, stay healthy!

Brave Mothers

2009-09-07T16:43:00.000-07:00

Jim and I took Angela to the airport today to catch her flight to Boston. As she went by the person that checked her ID, tears rolled down my face... It was not because she is going to Boston for work for the next couple of weeks with Ryan, it was not because I won't see Ryan & Angela for the next 3 or so weeks, but because I realized how "normal" it was for her to travel to all these places for work being pregnant with Ryan by herself.

Mothers were not born mothers. They were born as someone's daughter, treasured, pampered, and sometimes treated like little princesses. Mothers did not grow up as mothers, the grew up as someone's sister, someone's friend, and someone's lover. Mothers are foremost daughters, lovers, then mothers.

Career women want to be successful, accomplished, and have the financial independence and freedom to make, save, and spend money. Women in love want be loved and cared for. Women in general want to be beautiful and desired... Pregnant mothers set aside all of their concerns and assume a new role as mothers-to-be for a baby that they are carrying whom they have never met.

Pregnant mothers carry the weight that they never wanted to gain, go to work as if the large belly wasn't there, and they go on with their day to day activity whether they enjoy their pregnancy experience or not... they just go on. Aren't they concerned about the weight gain and permanent stretch mark? Aren't they concerned about the loss of independence after giving birth? Aren't they concerned about their beauty and not being desired? Yet, they set their fears aside and press on with courage.

I am not pretending that I understand the thoughts and emotions of a pregnant mother but from what I observe, they are more brave than people give them credit for. Their babies are primary and their fears and concerns are secondary...

To all of my friends that are mothers and considering to be mothers. I appreciate your courage and bravery on a whole new level now... Angela, thank you for making me see all of this by being you, being who you have always been despite your worries and concerns...

Lifestyle Choices

2009-08-23T20:11:00.000-07:00

Recently I have had a lot of baby conversations, not regarding raising a baby, but about lifestyle changes when one chooses to have children. People choose to have kids for different reasons. It can be as biological as it is an extension of one's genes, or it can be as matter of fact as that's what you do after you get married, or sometimes, it can sound as ridiculous as kids can bridge the gap of a dysfunctional marriage... No matter what the reasons are, the truth of the matter is that children will change your lifestyle, whether you like it or not.

I have talked to enough parents to know that the lifestyle change and how you feel about having kids cannot be planned or anticipated. Once you have them, you'll enjoy them the way you never thought you would and they will forever change your lifestyle like you have never expected.

I know that if Jim and I have kids, I will enjoy the children to no end and whatever lifestyle choices I have to change or modify, I will do so without much hesitation. However, this is not to say that I don't enjoy our lifestyle right now and I have absolutely no problem in continuing this lifestyle that we currently have. The choices that we make without kids only involve two of us and occasionally our cats. The money that we make is spent for our enjoyment on travel, wine, and good food. The time that we have is for us as individuals or as a couple. The choices that we make for our lives only directly impact Jim and I...

People that choose to have kids took a different path than people that choose not to have children. Both groups will have the enjoyment and lifestyle that the other group will never experience. So, my dear friends that have children, don't be envious of our trips because we don't have cute little ones to go home to just yet. When I am jealous of your cute little babies and attempt to take them home, remind me that I don't have to change diapers or drink costco-sized vodka to drown out the irritation on a day to day basis... These are just lifestyle choices - no one choice is better or worse than the other.

Am I With You?

2009-08-02T22:54:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had the experience of talking to someone and you just know that they are not there? They hear what you have to say, but they are not really listening. Under the best case scenario, they can repeat everything that you just said back to you like a parrot, but they are not really listening. They are not "with you" in that moment and I am very guilty of not being present...

We value efficiency so much these days that our listening of others and our being with others suffer. We multi-task, we produce, but we are so rarely present.

On my drive to collect Jim in San Francisco this evening, I was surprised to see the green rice field that was glistening under the sun beneath the highway. In that moment, I realized that I have never been present to my drive from Sacramento to San Francisco ever! It was always let's get there while I listen to the radio or talk on the phone, finish what I have to do in the city, and rush right back. Tonight, I drove by golden, pink, red, and white wild flowers that lined the highway, I came down from a hill that had an amazing view of the Bay covered with tall, burnt, yellow grasses. I saw the moon sitting high up on the sky to my left and the sun setting on my right. By the time I crossed the Bay Bridge, it was dark and the moon was hiding behind misty clouds. I was shocked when I caught a glimpse of the city while on the bridge and I kept wondering how beautiful, how majestic, and how perfect the view was... I didn't want that moment to end so I secretly wished that the drive was longer so that the view would linger.

I took the same route that I always take when I visit San Francisco, but being present made the drive not just tolerable but amazingly beautiful. If I am with you, and really there with you, all the conversations that we have and our time together should always be just as memorable and just as profoundly beautiful as this trip.

Crayfish? Crawfish?

2009-07-19T16:42:00.000-07:00

Farmer's market is one of my favorite places to go on Saturday mornings. I usually go with a casual dress, hat, sunglasses along with my straw purse and reusable bags. I will get coffee at the farmer's market while I walk between the stands. Since I had to go to San Francisco this Saturday, I went to the farmer's market downtown instead. The market under the freeway was crowded by merchants, professional farmer's market shoppers, and shoppers like me that mainly go for the experience.

As I walked among the stands, I realized that there were some seafood and meat stands that I have never noticed before (the few times that I have been to downtown's farmer's market, they weren't there) One of them was a live crayfish stand with boxes and boxes of crawfish (switching the terms up to be fair) Whenever I see fresh "sea"food, I just can't help myself but purchase them so I bought 3lbs of the crawfish so I can cook for our guest of honor, Danielle, for lunch.

Since this was the first time that I attempt cooking crayfish, something interesting was bound to happen. I got home with the live crawfish and sat them in the sink to clean them. One of the crayfish got out of the bag and fell into the garbage disposal. I panicked and didn't know how to get it out of the garbage disposal! After a few screams and attempts to get the crawfish to bite on the utensils, Danielle suggested tongs while laughing in the back watching this goes down. I finally got the crayfish out of the garbage disposal and it had vegetables firmly clamped in both of its claws... As I cleaned the crayfish, I decided to go with two flavors just to be safe since this is the first time trying to cook them. The first dish was the white wine, parsley, garlic recipe which I cook the mussels with and the second sauce was made up on the fly where chili and garlic were the main spices in which I sauteed the crawfish with okra. Lunch was the two flavored crayfish, wine, and a cucumber from our planter.

This was Danielle's first time trying crawfish so something funny was bound to happen... Jim and I showed Danielle how to access the crustacean "meat" and a few crayfish into Danielle's lunch, the crawfish ended up over her shoulder on the carpet. We looked at one another in surprise, remembering the scene in Pretty Woman, and laughed... Danielle didn't end up eating much of the crayfish but she enjoyed the okra and the flavors. Next time we'll cook something that's easier to cook and eat!

Grown-up Cooking

2009-07-07T20:58:00.000-07:00

I gave up on Chinese cooking after Jim and I moved to Sacramento. Jim enjoys sandwiches and cooking for myself was just too much trouble. So, it has been six to seven years since I cooked Chinese dishes. I have learned to cook simpler dishes that use ingredients that don't require too many spices or cooking time over these years.

For the pool party on July 5th, I wanted to make a few traditional Taiwanese dishes for some of the guests to try. However, I didn't know how I was going to do that since there are a lot of traditional Taiwanese courses that should only be attempted by parents and grown-ups that have a lot of cooking experience. These dishes often include ingredients such as intestines, tripe, and body parts such as feet, ears, tails, etc. As you can imagine, making a dish with these ingredients without cooking experience and plenty of pratice can make the course disastrous.

To attempt these traditional dishes, I picked up a small amount of beef tripe, tendon, and pig feet for the party. I was prepared to throw everything away if these dishes turned out badly, which would not have surprised me... I called mom for the receipe and then I washed, pan fried, boiled, and simmered the ingredients in different spices for hours. The final dishes tasted surprisingly good; as if the dishes were made by a grown-up with a lot of cooking experience. The dishes were a hit at the pool party and at the office so I can finally claim that I have it in me to cook good traditional Taiwanese courses like a grown up! I made up my mind to continue making Taiwanese dishes for myself and possibly bring it to the office for others to share...

Not Enough

2009-06-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

The death of Michael Jackson was one of the headlines in the news for the past few days. The first day I heard it, the news was repeated by every single multimedia outlet including NPR. I was driving from Sacramento to San Francisco to complete my communication course on Thursday night when NPR played his music and story. The ride was about two hours and NPR played Michael Jackson news various times. The program talked about his accomplishments, his lawsuits, his bankruptcy, his now cancelled upcoming concerts, and of course his death. I couldn't help but think how sad his life had been...

Michael Jackson is one of the world's most famous musicians if not THE most famous. His MTV videos, music, dance moves, and concerts mesmerized the world. Yet, he continued to change his physical appearance until people looked at him as if he was a monster. While NPR continued playing his life story, I couldn't help but wonder, did this international star have the same insecurities as every single one of us? Did he continue to change his physical appearance because some part of him felt like he wasn't enough? Did the insecurities eventually manifest themselves in areas of his life that made it difficult for him to turn back? Did "not enough" eventually catch up with him even though the world still believed in his talents and him?

Although our insecurities usually don't manifest themselves physically, many do impact our lives in ways that others do not see or cannot fathom. The question "am I enough?" will prompt different people to take different actions. For me, to answer this question for myself, I am driven to learn more, explore more, and do more. For others, the question "am I enough?" might mean that they become secluded, withdrawn, or unfulfilled, etc. I wonder if this is the question that killed the legendary super star Michael Jackson from the inside. Not only did he keep changing his appearance, he also couldn't muster the strength to complete his last round of concert tours. Could the answer to the question "am I enough?" for Michael Jackson eventually ended his life? Despite how much the world believed and loved him and his talents, like the rest of us, he morphed, changed, and suffered because he felt that he was not enough?

Thank You

2009-06-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

Pilgrimage is a journey to a shrine or a sacred place. My journey back home to see my mother turned into a 'spiritual' quest where I had a lot of "a-ha" moments that have impacted my life and will continue to shape my future. The results of these life changing light bulb incidents are things that I will share over time, but the journey to these insights is what I am about to write and document so I can remember the trip for myself.

As I have written in "Mother Hen", I traveled home to be with my mother and to appease her while she waits for her lab tests. Fortunately for all of us, doctors cleared her of any life threatening issues as a result of the exams. The realization that one day I will have to be responsible for our family was the opening for insights that I have never seen or inquired for myself before. The fear of uncertainty prior to the trip, the conversations that I had with friends regarding past, future, choices, and consequences, the movies that I watched while in Taiwan (Departures, Revolutionary Road, Marley & Me), and all the support from friends and family transformed a trip home into a pilgrimage.

I learned from this trip that when there is uncertainty in life, you should keep an open mind and surround yourself with people who support and challenge your beliefs & thoughts. By doing so, you create an opening for inquiries and possibly pathways that you can take. Being open, generous, and willing to share life actually allow life to present itself in ways that you could not have predicted. On this trip, with the amazing and loving community that I have, I was able to accomplish everything that I set out to achieve and sort out life decisions that I didn't intend or knew that I could complete. I am looking forward to have the results of this journey manifest themselves in my life and being more awake. I want to thank those of you who have contributed to this expedition - for all of your time, support, and love that you have shared on this life changing journey of mine. Thank you...

Better Than a Dog?

2009-06-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

Comedy drama was never really my thing because I usually don't get a lot of out of them. I like action movies where I am engaged in non-stop bombardment for the duration of the movie but forget about the movie after it ends. Or, I like to watch movies that are thought provoking or introduce me to something new, where the impact of the movie stays with me for a long time, sometimes even life changing. To kill time and to try something different, I watched Marley & Me while I was in Taiwan. To my surprise, I have been thinking about the movie ever since I watched it. (What do I know! Try something new, learn something new!)

It was not the purchase of a clearance puppy, the behavior of a dog from hell, or even the acceptance of Marley by the entire family that captured my heart. It was the last quote of the movie that kept me wondering about our relationships, our friendships, and our impact on others. The quote goes: " A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

How many friends or family members do you have who are more accepting than dogs and will never judge you? How many friends or family members do you have who are more loving than dogs and will love you regardless of the circumstances that you face in life? How many friends or family members will give you their hearts and protect yours like a dog will with its seemingly innate loyalty? How many people in your life will only see you as nothing less than extraordinary? How many people, really? Isn't it sad that we don't have a lot of friends or family members that are better than dogs?

If you turn these questions around and ask yourself, "do you judge people that you love?", "do you love them regardless of their intelligence, material possessions, choices that they make for their lives?", "do you give your love ones your heart and protect theirs like the most precious gift that you have ever received?", "do you see your friends and family members as nothing less than amazing, pure, and extraordinary?", and "are you a better than a dog friend or family member for people that you love?" If you are not better than a dog for those people that you care for, can you imagine who you are for those that you don't truly love?

We crave so desperately for connection, relationships, and love but we are so unwilling to give up judgement, boundaries, and walls. Next time when we don't have the relationship of our dreams, maybe we should ask ourselves, "what are some qualities that man's best friend have that we lack?". The answer might provide us with some access to be a better than a dog friend or family member to those that we love and care for.

Hand

2009-06-08T06:30:00.000-07:00

Aunt, uncle, parents, and I crammed around the small round table in the nook for dinner. We had our home cooked meal and wine. Wine or any kind of alcohol is rare in the Chen household if you can believe it, but tonight was different, we celebrated the good news on mom's lab results. According to the blood tests and doctors' diagnoses, our worries about mom's health were unwarranted.

After a delicious home cooked meal, Dad and I took a walk in the dimly lit courtyard by our house. I often walked with dad with his arm in mine but as we walked up the stairs, I took his hand instead. This was the first time since I was a little girl that I held his hand, it must have been more than 20 years... It was awkward in the beginning and we both tried to make small talk trying to ignore the the hand-holding situation but we got used to it less than 10 meters into our walk. Our palms were interlocked while we strolled down the courtyard, we swung our hands gently to match our steps. I thought of thousands of questions that I want to ask Dad... Questions that are personal like "do you have a satisfying life?", "how do you really feel about your past?", "do you have any life lessons that you want to share with me?", "do you miss not having us around for almost 20 years of your life?" Dad and I never discuss anything of this sort, we talked about things on the surface, not our feelings, not our lives, not our struggles in life... Then dad said, "I am glad that your mom's lab results showed nothing serious, she's not like me, I have gone through all those surgeries and fought for my life, but she's not that type..." I nodded in agreement and we walked a little bit more, I sought out the opportunity and asked "Dad, in those moments of life when you feel like you have failed in health or in your career, what drives you to fight? What motivate you to stand up and go on? Aren't you ever scared?" We turned the corner in the courtyard and dad said, "of course I was scared and very afraid, you take calculated risk but things don't always turn out. You just have to march on! I was always very very scared" As I listened to him, a guest of his walked towards us. I interrupted dad by shaking his hand and pointing our hands to the direction of the guest. It took dad a second to see the guest in the dark then dad greeted him.

Tonight, I wasn't resentful that dad's friend or business partner once again took precedent over our conversation like how I have always felt and reacted in the past. I was happy that I got to share that short moment with dad but sad that I waited so long to walk with him like this... This could have been happening all these years but I was too busy, too afraid, or too proud to generate these magical moments just by holding his hand.

Dad and I walked home hand-in-hand with his friend following beside us. I left them in the living room and went up to the guest bedroom.

Dad has aged but his hand is still soft, bony, and a little stiff...

I sobbed in the guest bedroom wishing and hoping that there are a lot more of these moments to come.

Unlikely Friendship

2009-06-05T03:30:00.000-07:00

The flight from San Francisco to Narita was about 11 hours, I got on the plane, got out of my books and sat down next to Jeff, a cookbook writer flying to Thailand. Little did I know, I didn't need the books. Jeff and I talked, listened, and drank for 11 hours straight and we went from strangers to life committees who shared our lives.

The united flight charged $6 for a drink on our international flight. To save money, Jeff and I bought a bottle of Johnny Walker black label from the duty free cart from the flight attendants and we secretly poured our drinks while the beverage carts went up and down the aisles. Mixed with our conversations, the black label was surprisingly sobering and the life stories that we shared were touching, moving, and inspiring. Jeff showed me the pictures of where he would be living in Thailand, I felt like he carried a part of my concerns for him and part of my desire to explore the world to this remote village close to the border of Cambodia.

This flight was the most amazing flight that I have ever had. I got to know and almost live Jeff's life just sitting next to him on this plane. How many people with great life stories have sat next to me and I have passed up the opportunity to meet, to know, to love, to understand? How many of these opportunities do I get to have in a life time? What are the chances that a passenger on the flight or even a close friend inspire and touch your heart?

We arrived Narita airport buzzed and the last bit of Johnny Walker black was confiscated by Japanese immigration officers (I offered to the officer and told her that she should take it home and she thanked me. How polite!) We sat by my gate to continue my trip to Taipei and then I saw tears in his eyes... Jeff just got out of a long marriage the morning that we met on the plane. I saw in Jeff's eyes - humanity, uncertainty, love, and his unwillingness to hurt anyone. I gave him a hug and told him that things will be ok and one of those mornings, he'll wake up and everything will be fine. Then, I saw the doubt in his eyes but he promised that he'd let me know if that morning arrives for him.

The goodbye was bitter and sweet because I know, for some reason, the passenger that I sat next to on this flight to Narita will forever keep part of my heart and thoughts with him in his remote village in Thailand. My life will be forever changed because of meeting Jeff in that he inspired me to be courageous, to pursue my dreams, to never believe that it's too late to change and do something that you love. And, yes, this unlikely friendship began on united flight 853.

Mother Hen

2009-06-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know about your culture and what roles mothers play, but in my culture, mothers are the matriarch of the Chinese households. It may not seem like our mothers are the head of households or decision makers, but they often protect their husbands' pride while making important decisions. In my mother's generation, a lot of females grown to become the anchors or conduits of the family.

Mid-afternoon today, I got an email from Angie and she told me that mom had some symptoms that might indicate something serious. I called mom from work but didn't get much useful information from her since she hasn't had her lab results returned. The ride home from work was a grueling one - I thought about how I never thought that mom will not be around, how I always find refuge at home no matter what happens in this world because of mom, and how I know that I am always loved no matter what I do because of mom's wicked but loving acceptance. I just have never imagined that one day, she will no longer be there... Ever...

As I drove down highway 50, I realized that I have acquired a lot of her qualities over the years, I have grown to be responsible for our family, and I am also mature enough to take over her responsibilities as a sister, wife, mother, and grandmother-to-be. I might not be as loving as mom is with Angie, I might not be as patient as mom is with Dad, I might not be as generous as mom is with aunt Chingmei, but I am confident that I am now old enough to share the responsibilities of a mother hen. I know that mom's healthy diet and lifestyle will continue to provide her the strength in her ability to recover from whatever it is that she will be facing, but it is also gratifying to see for myself that I can be relied upon to fill her role as the conduit and provide strength to our family...

Sacramento Jazz Jubilee

2009-05-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

Finally, I was able to attend the Sacramento Jazz Jubilee this year. Ever since I found out about this event, I've been jonesing to attend and this year we went with the professor and his wife, Mel. The Sacramento Jazz Jubilee is touted as the world's second largest jazz festival and there were a lot of people from all over the place that attended the event.

The jazz performances were all over the city, including restaurants, side walks, and underneath the freeway in Old Town Sacramento. There were also jazz events hosted at the Sacramento Convention Center which we didn't get to see this year. People were waiting in line for the special events while listening to jazz, swing, blues, and bobbing their heads. The atmosphere and energy in Old Town Sacramento was amazing and I almost didn't recognize that I was in Old Town Sac!

Our first stop was the Delta King Riverboat, the deck of the boat had high school students playing classic jazz (the next generation series). The performance was so mesmerizing, we missed our first event and ended up at the Firehouse courtyard for the remainder of the afternoon. We found amazing seats in the courtyard while different jazz bands rotated in and out of the restaurant. The dinner was simple, the wines were amazing, the music was delicious, and the conversation and company in the beautiful courtyard made the experience exquisite. This was what I expected the jazz jubilee should be like. Putting it in the professor's words, "very civilized"!

The four of us had the fourth bottle of wine at our house with the company of our two cats after 6-7 hours of jazz. The night ended with interesting conversations, more wine, and more music. I am already looking forward to the next Sacramento jazz jubilee!

Choices

2009-05-23T07:29:00.001-07:00

It amazes me how many choices are presented to us on a day to day basis and how the quality of our lives is a function of the consequence of these decisions. Our experience of making these choices can be easy or hard, where the choices arise can be internal or external, the choices themselves can be simple or complicated, and the state in which we make these choices can be conscious or unaware. No matter how difficult making choices may seem or whether the choices arose internally or not, we live with and sometimes simply live our consequences.

Our experience of choosing can range from an easy decision such as "do I eat healthy tonight or not?" to a hard one, "do I continue to pursue what I know or venture into something new?". The choices can arise internally when we ask ourselves "am I deserving or not?" or it can arise externally when we are asked, "would you like coffee or tea?". The context of our choices can be as simple as "shall we watch this movie at home or at the theater?" to something controversial and profound such as "are you pro-choice or pro-life?". Not to mention the state of mind in which we are in when we make these choices. Sometimes we choose after a great deal of thinking and processing of information - "do I agree with this monetary policy or not?" Sometimes we choose unknowingly, we simply do not ask ourselves "shall I wear shoes to work or not?" but this is a choice nonetheless... If the consequence of our choices gives us the life that we live, shouldn't we be more aware of the questions that are posed to present these choices?

"Do you agree or not?" gives you two options and "are you a Democrat or a Republican?" gives you your presidential candidate and a certain set of policies. "Are you a Christian or not?" provides you with a certain type of ideologies and even a way in which you live your life. Why is it that the nature of the questions in our world are usually binary or finite at best? What if the quality of our lives or the "truth" actually lies somewhere in between those choices? I am not suggesting that we shouldn't choose, but it seems to me that if choices can be posed in a question that provides infinite answers, then the consequences that give us the type of life that we get to live can also be limitless. Next time when you choose, think of the possibilities...

Gift of Life

2009-05-15T16:32:00.000-07:00

Dear baby Nikki,
Your mom always asks me, "did Nikki scare you?" with great concern. She wants to make sure that the process that you went through to fight for your life didn't scare me into not wanting to have a baby. My answer was always "no, the process didn't scare me" but the truth is, it did. Scare is probably not the right word, but whatever that word is, the way you hang on and the way you thrived, touched me deeply and made an imprint in my heart that will be irreversible.

Nikki, your aunty Anny "used to be" very liberal on the issue of abortion. I believe that a woman has the legal right to her body therefore the choice of having a baby or not should lie with the mother. However, because of you, I can no longer advise with a mother not choosing her baby no matter the circumstance. When I reflect on how much you went through, how you held on, who you have become, my heart breaks just thinking about a mother giving up a life. I can no longer share my opinion the way I used to.

You came into our office yesterday for the very first time with daddy. Mommy, daddy, and I took you around the office to show you off to the co-workers. I was so proud of you! When you put your head on my chest while I was holding you, I just couldn't believe how much you've grown and how beautiful you have become. I switched you over from one side of my shoulder to the other, just like that! You are so big now that I don't have to worry about breaking your little body... After the your tour, I had to hand you to your parents quickly, if it was just the four of us, I would have started crying in the office.

Nikkie, I am not scared to have a baby because of what you have gone through, I am scared that adults like us don't make the right decisions for babies like you. I am scared that independent as we are, we can seem selfish and forget how precious babies like you have been and will become. I am scared that the choices that we make even with the best intentions will forever impact your future in ways that we cannot fathom. I am also scared that our adult world cannot set our differences aside and we cannot provide you with what you rightly deserve...

I predicted that I was going to learn a lot from you before you get to learn anything from me, and I was right. Every time when I see you, you bring joy, happiness, and fulfillment to my life. Because of you, I am more sure than ever that I want have a baby of our own. Because of you, I am aspired to be a better person for this world so you'll have a bright future to live into. Thank you baby Nikki for an amazing perspective and an understanding of the gift of life...

Love, AA

Gardening for Dummies

2009-05-12T16:41:00.001-07:00

I must admit that I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to gardening. Maybe I should get a gardening for dummies book? I don't know much about growing vegetables or fruits but I am excited when I see the progress of the seeds and plants. Some "gardening" questions that I have are pretty "basic" and probably "borderline" ridiculous but the overall gardening experience have been exciting and I am having a lot of fun! I must be going crazy! First, I start to enjoy Sacramento more than I "should", now, I am starting to enjoy gardening!

It all started with a conversation with a colleague about their garden, the more we talked about the type of fruit and vegetables that they harvested, the more hungry I become to have our own vegetable farm! Yes, "farm" is the ambition but "planters" are my reality... We have had herbs here and there for the past year and we also have some fruit trees that we never pruned or maintained. Three years after we moved into our home, our neighbors knocked on our door to make sure that it was ok with us that they picked the apricots off of our tree. I thought to myself, "What apricot? Isn't that a cherryless cherry tree?". Then, Jim discovered that we have a pomegranate tree and some sort of citrus tree in our backyard. However, since the "discovery", the fruit trees never produced fruits again. Hopefully we'll get really lucky this year without having applied the proper gardening technique.Maybe it was the conversations or it could be the inspiration from going to the farmers' market every Saturday, but I just crave to have my own vegetables! Knowing that there are no chemicals used, just the hot Sacramento sun and precious mountain water gives me reason to smile. I talk to friends about their chives, lettuce, berries, and tomatoes and I find these topics interesting and absolutely delicious! Just imagine cutting up a tomato from your garden, putting olive oil and sea salt over it, then topping it off with your home grown basil. How delicious will that be?

Towards the end of the day, I find myself thinking about the tomatoes, the basil and the seeds that I planted over the weekend. Seriously, I really don't know what's happening to me but I am loving my garden in the planters! When I have my first "garden" salad, I will let you know how tasty a garden salad can be!

Two Months

2009-05-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

If you only have two months left to live, would you do things differently? What would you stop doing or start doing? Is there someone in your life that you've always wanted to have that conversation with but you are just waiting for the right moment? Will you forgive those who have hurt your feelings and move on or will you take the pain to your grave? Will you say something to the person that you have deeply hurt and impacted? Are you going to celebrate your successes or will you dwell on your failures? What will you say to your love ones? Will you finally admit that your family, friends, and significant other have always loved you? Are you going to forgive yourself for the mistakes that you have made? What will you let go and what are you going to hold onto?

If I only had two months to live, I would acknowledge the many people that have contributed to my life that I have never thanked. I would treasure every moment that I have with people that I love. I would be a different child to my parents, a different sister to my sister, I would be a different wife to my husband, a different friend to my friends, a different person in this world. The question that we should ask ourselves is not "why don't we live like we only have two months left?" The question is "when are we going to realize that we do have a choice in how we live our lives?"

We do have choices in how we live our lives, otherwise, we will not be able shift who we are for others or live a different life after we find out that we only have two months left. So why do we "pretend" that we don't have control over our lives until it's too late? By admitting having choices translates into responsibility. Being responsible means that we are the only ones that can make our relationships flourish and wither. Being responsible means we are the only ones that make our lives happy and miserable. Being responsible means we have control over our lives and we are the only ones to get to say how it's going to go...

Are you waiting for the announcement that you have only two months left? Or will you pretend that you only have two months so you clean up the past and take charge of your future?

Family Vacation

2009-05-02T22:58:00.000-07:00

I can't remember the last vacation that I took without checking work email and voicemail. Was it before I started working seven years ago? Although I kept up with what's going on in financial market, policies, and the first 100 days of Obama's administration, I was able to relax and be on vacation with my family this time around.

Andrew and his dad drove up from Los Angeles and Jim's parents flew in from Green Bay. We barbecued, debated current events around the world, and drank lots of beer, wine, and whiskey. Jim and Jerry lost their voices on the first two days of the visit by challenging each other's point of view on politics while Andrew refereed. Every time when public policies was brought up, Barb always redirected the conversation to something else to avoid excessive opinion battles. I realized that everyone is entitled to his/her opinion and as long as we don't think that we have the ultimate truth, we can co-exist peacefully...

We visited Napa Valley and Placerville for wine tasting, fresh produce, and delicious food. We went to Coloma to pan for gold and there was actually a lot of gold flakes to be panned! I feel bad for people in Zimbabwe having to pan gold for a living - it's a lot of hard work with very very very little reward! I ended up with a sore neck, tanned face, and $8 worth of gold? We visited Fair Field's Budweiser plant for a tour and free beer tasting. Did you know that Budweiser produces pomegranate, orange & citrus, and cactus & lime Michelob ultra beers?

A dose of family was exactly what Jim and I needed. We love living in California but spending time with love ones is what enriches our lives and makes our lives worth celebrating!

Angel Two, Angel Too

2009-05-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

Angela sent me an email at the beginning of April with some file attachments of her baby. I have had a lot of pregnant girlfriends that shared these pictures with me, and most of the time I can see what's what after they give me some general directions. I figured that the attachments that Angela sent over will be one of those pictures, but she didn't provide me with the "how-to-see-the baby" manual in her email. So, I clicked on the link and attempted to enlarge the photo in order to see the photos better. After I clicked on the first photo, the link opened up windows media player. The attachment was a video clip, not a picture!

The videos were similar to the photos in that they were black and white. The screen was mostly white, except in the middle where the baby lies. The first video clip had the baby's head and its blurred body attached to the mom with little movement. With anticipation, I opened up the second video clip. This was something that I have never seen before... The baby's heart was beating fast, and the baby's little hand opened and closed, opened and closed. It looked like the baby was waving at the screen by flexing its fingers! I couldn't believe it, so I rewound the video, and watched it again, rewound and watched again! Yes, the baby is flexing its fingers, I concluded. I thought to myself, "maybe the baby is curious, maybe the baby is learning, or maybe the baby is just growing and trying to survive?" I will never know the answer to all these questions but this is how life begins. This little being is so helpless, fragile, yet so amazingly beautiful.

I teared up as I stopped asking questions and realized how amazing the pregnancy process really is. Mothers take in nutritious food, endure the hormonal changes, and carry the baby in their womb. Angela is now a mother to this little human being and she will provide everything this baby need - through her and inside of her. I looked at the baby's little fingers flexing again and I just cannot believe how magical life is.

The ultrasound videos that I received today looked completely different than what I saw in early April. The baby is moving around, tumbling in the womb, giving hand signals, and kicking. This little baby is merely 10 centimeters long and it already has a strong, unrelenting heartbeat. Everyday the baby will grow, everyday the baby will change, and everything that Angela provides will give this little one what it needs to come to this world - our amazing and adventurous world.

Faces of Men

2009-04-16T09:15:00.001-07:00

Sausage talker - have you ever heard of this phrase? This is a phrase that Jim inherited from the JK family, both figuratively and literally. The phrase describes a person that talks nonsense. Not just nonsense but having ridiculous claims that are alien to normal human beings. Jim and I practice sausage talk on each other quite often. In addition to sausage talks, we also talk about the serious topics such as politics, business, and public policies. Between talking like a sausage and the serious conversations, we also talk about what every couple talk about - relationships, friendships, you name it…

There are a lot of people in my life that only know one side of me because of the type of conversations that we have. The conversations change depending on the people that I am with and circumstances in which we find ourselves. Therefore, peoples' perception of me differ dramatically. The friends that I drink with and friends that I share my blogs with know different things about me. The friends that I party with and the friends that I discuss the financial market with will probably think you are talking about a different person when you have these friends describe me. This is not unique to my friends or colleagues, this probably applies to almost everyone. So who am I really? Or who are they befriending with, really? I venture to say (another sausage talk topic) that it is how you want to be perceived that become who you are to your family, friends, and colleagues.

Everyone of us has different sides that we share with different people. What we choose to share determines who we are for others. So do we ever really know someone or do we only know what they want us to know about themselves? The faces of men are so complicated that any judgments, evaluations, and assessments are very likely to be inaccurate - so why do we pretend that we know others when we can so easily alter our own images to other through our conversation?

Right or Wrong?

2009-04-15T21:55:00.000-07:00

We had two economists in the office today talking about the economic conditions, financial system, and the impact of our governmental policies. One of the economists is from the large investment banks who looks like Tim Geithner, the other economist has his own firm and has written quite a few academic papers and text books. Although the presentation styles and reasoning were vastly different, I enjoyed both presentations and agreed with their final conclusions that the economy and the market will get worse before they get better... Since the presentations happened on the same day, it's not hard to see that these economists had similar data, they drew different conclusions from their point of view, but agreed that there is still a long road ahead of us before the economy is on its way to recovery. Most of their arguments were reasonable, well supported, and convincing, but is what they are presenting, the reality?

The irony of working in this industry is that the reality is not THAT important. What is important is formulating a theory that you can back-up, collect data that you can interpret, and convince others that you have the right theory (if they don't believe you, show them the data!) When others agree with you, or better - when the market agrees with you, then you have manufactured not just alpha, but reality. It doesn't matter what the 'reality' was going to be, you can create your own if you can exert enough influence.

For example, if the banks are too big to fail, why do we make them bigger? If leverage is the problem, why do we encourage more borrowing? I know what should be the answer because I work in the industry, but common sense in this case just doesn't seem to matter... These questions made me think whether I can make a "right" decision and be wrong because the reality belongs to the majority, or if I can make a "wrong" decision and be right for incorrect reasons? If so, why are we so hung up on being right or being wrong when reality itself is a creation of mankind?

Belly Dance

2009-04-08T13:05:00.000-07:00

Last night was my first and ever belly dancing class. The class is hosted by one of the community district parks in the area and I was expecting a lot of people to take advantage of this course because it was very reasonably priced. The instructor, Adriane, looked very professional on her website, so I signed up for the class without hesitation.

The anticipation was fun. I was expecting about ten to fifteen ladies in their forty's and fifty's from our neighborhood and the course was going to be like a group yoga class... It turned out that the course was held at an old library room with three students and one instructor (I was the third one) One girl was in her 20s with a tan and one of those toned tummies that make all women envy, the other student was in her late 30s having done the belly dance before. Needless to say, Adriane was in shape with a flat, tight abs. And there was me...

The room was a little doggy but the music was fun and sexy. Adriane started with some stretches and showed us some simple moves. The entire evening, I catch myself asking "how did she move her muscle like that? how did she move her shoulder like that?". It was our turn to try out the moves. I was doing well until Adriane said "breathe". I realized then that I was holding my breath trying to get the moves down. All of us burst out laughing when she said that - "we have to rotate our shoulders, hold our bellies in, AND breathe too?". As I focused on my breathing and getting the poses right, Adriane goes, "tuck your tummy in!". There was more laughter. "I did tuck my tummy in!" I screamed inside. "This is the best that I can tuck it in after those chicken wings that I munched down before the class!" I thought to myself...

8:15pm came around, the fun had to end. I am already looking forward to my next belly dancing class. Belly dancing is not as easy as it looks but it is sexy, fun, and a lot of exercise. I highly encourage you to try it out!

Backyard

2009-04-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

Our desks and seats at the office were rearranged to fit more people in the office. I was moved to a corner desk with windows behind me. The out of control electronic shades sometimes go up to let the sun in when it's too bright and sometimes shut to block the afternoon light when the fluoresce lights are not enough. I am not sure why the electric shades work the way they do and no one seems to know how to control them... The shades are often stuck half open in the afternoon so I am able to catch a glimpse of the buildings and trees behind our office. At the corner of this scenery when I stare aimless out the window is highway 80 with traffic flowing both directions. Whenever I start noticing the highway and the traffic, it's usually time to pack up and head home because I am just not very productive anymore...

Last week, I noticed the heavy traffic on highway 80 for about 3 of the days. While I day dreamed, I thought about the traffic that I might run into if I left the office at those moments, so I waited for the traffic to die down. When I sit through the traffic on the 5 lane highway, I usually surf the net on the phone or talk on my phone while listening to the radio. The commute home has always been long, but it wasn't until recently that I started to notice my eagerness to be home because of the amazing Sacramento spring weather.

If staring out of the office window is a sign of dwindling productivity, drawing a blank on highway 50 is my way to anticipate the amazing spring evenings in our backyard. I will sit in my car, think about the big red wood trees in the yard, the grass cut and the pool clean, the wine bottle and wine glasses glistening under the afternoon sun, and the BBQ grill spits out scents of chicken, onions, and peppers. The temperature in its 70s, the occasional breeze, and the tree shadows that shade our lawn chairs. I sit on the highway, listen to NPR, anticipate what the backyard would be like. I let the pedals go then brake, let the pedals go and brake. Eventually, I will get there.

Forty to fifty minutes later, I will arrive at my destination. The cats will follow me around knowing that I am heading to the backyard so that they can roll in the dirt and chase some insects. I will get out that wine glass and pour myself some chilled white wine, then I will head to the backyard with Jim. The office, the traffic, and the stress of the day will disappear the moment that I walk through our front door heading to the amazing backyard. Then, the Sacramento spring evening in our backyard will finally begin our day...

Being Grateful

2009-03-17T20:51:00.001-07:00

There are a lot of things to be unhappy about in this market and in this world right now. If we desire, there are a lot of good reasons and logical circumstances can prove that we should be dissatisfied with our lives. From personal finances to global economic recession, the seemingly forever shrinking 401k, the outrageous AIG executive compensation, and wars and political insanity of the Middle East, Africa, and USA. Everywhere we look, there are reasons and circumstances to drag us down... However, it is in this economy and in this difficult time that made me see how lucky I am to be where I am, to have what I have, and appreciate everything that I have always taken for granted...

It has been many many months since I last saw Rob after his retirement. Since then, the market crashed and the economy tanked. However, seeing an old friend and being reminded that I have a community that supports me and tolerates my never ending harassment and questions make me appreciate all of my friends' love, patience, and support.

The evaporation of personal wealth was extremely discouraging when Jim and I looked at our accounts, 401ks, and total assets. However, there are so many people that are being foreclosed on that have to leave their homes and some even become homeless due to the housing downturn. Knowing that there are so many people that are suffering in this economy made me realize what we have. I am thankful for the lifestyle that we can still afford and the choices that we made to live within our means.

The global recession and financial meltdown made me see that the material possessions that I accumulated are not the drivers of my happiness. It's the choice that I made to see how blessed I am that give me the satisfaction in life... Being grateful as the pathway to happiness is the greatest gain that I obtained from this financial and economic downturn.

Friend or Foe?

2009-03-12T16:04:00.000-07:00

The past 4 weeks of our 7 months ILP has been amazing because of the teamwork. Our group teamed up and made the impossible happen for one another and I realized that we can accomplish anything if we support each other's commitment and refuse to pad one another in the back until our dreams are fulfilled.

All of my friends are amazing in their own ways. Despite our differences in values, beliefs, and personalities, our commonality is that we all have commitments. Commitments to our relationship, work, family, health, etc. Whether those commitments are declared or not, they are there! I believe that true friends will support one another in fulfilling in those commitments by being honest with one another. I expect my friends to not let me walk out of a restaurant with spinach stuck between my teeth, I expect my friends to keep me honest and grounded, and I also expect my friends to trust me that I have their backs and have good intentions when I remind them of their commitments . Most of the time, we are too polite or too politically correct with what we say to one another and even with our friends. Sometimes, we'll even go as far as lying to our friends so that we don't hurt their feelings. However, by lying to our friends so we seem nice, we are not supporting them to live the life that they love. In that case, are we friend or foe?

Selling Out

2009-03-02T13:15:00.000-08:00

My Introduction Leader's Program through Landmark Education is coming to an end in mid-March and I have learned a lot about myself and others through this program. This course has been the major inspiration of many of my postings. I became more aware of my thoughts and I became more observant of others'. One of the most interesting things that I learned through this program is that we sell out. We not only sell out other people's goals and dreams, we also sell out ours.

"Selling out" might not be how we like to see it. We like to look it as "being reasonable", "evaluating the pros and cons", or "being realistic". All of these have some sort of hidden resignation to it because the next emerging view becomes "this is good enough, so what if we don't have it all"

When I started this program seven months ago, I wanted to make a difference for the people in Taiwan. Many others in our course also had goals to contribute to their communities. As the program continued on, each one of us got a lot of results. The results were amazing and life-changing and I am still intoxicated by our accomplishments. Out of this program, I got a new relationship with my family, friends, myself, and even with Sacramento. I heard myself saying "these results are great and they are good enough for me!" I pat myself on the back for achieving these results... I am not attempting to minimize the accomplishments but the truth is these results were not what I sat out to achieve. As things get harder and tougher, I changed my goals so its smaller and easier. I do this to minimize the risk that I might fail to accomplish what I declared that I would do - The resignation and selling-out are subtle, but they are there nonetheless.

If we do this to ourselves, we will definitely sell-out other people. When others are committed to run a marathon, if they don't complete the 21.4 miles, we compliment them for finishing a half-marathon. If their commitment is to have a great relationship with their spouse or significant other, we give them credit for effort. If our politicians don't implement policies that the voters desire, we get cynical and give them the out by saying "because they are politicians". I am not saying that we shouldn't be there for one another. However, the true support that we can have for one another is not to sell out but support each other in accomplishing what we have declared to achieve.

Memories for Sale

2009-02-15T07:16:00.001-08:00

On Valentine's Day morning, Jim drove us to Mill Valley for our first horseback riding at the Five Brooks Stables. The drive to Marin was about an hour and the scenic route through Marin to the stables took us another forty minutes. The windy country roads on a drizzly Saturday morning did not seem like the perfect Valentine's Day present... "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" I kept asking and it was the same answer over and over again. I thought to myself, maybe some flowers, chocolate, and candle light dinner were better gifts, but this was what I always wanted to do so Jim made the arrangement...

Miraculously the weather cleared up before we got to the stables. It stopped drizzling for the most part and the horse owners were waiting for us along with the horses. Jim got a big horse, Sampson, and I got a smaller horse, Danny. Our guide was in a long duster jacket that was muddy and stiff. The jacket and his mannerism almost made him a cowboy except that he works in the woods in California, not Texas.

Our guide gave us a few sentences of instructions on horse-back riding and led us in the woods. I was surprised at how easy it looked to ride horses in movies and how scary it actually is... The horses walked and trotted as we held on to the saddles and our lives... The ride was approximately two hours and my concentration and adrenaline rush exhausted every bit of my energy by the time we completed the ride. This was our first time riding and riding together. The experience was fun, scary, adventurous, exciting, and amazing at the same time. This is the only Valentine's Day present that I haven't forgotten and will not forget... Next Valentine's Day, we will be looking for memories that are for sale!

Someday, Somewhere, Someone Else

2009-02-13T09:23:00.000-08:00

When I was a little girl, I always wanted to read the next Arsene Lupin story now, I always want to be at the park to play ‘baseball’ with the neighbors now, and I always want to take that test in school now so I can start playing again. The adults were the ones that always wanted me to wait, to think things through, to get more information. Now that I am an adult, I can’t get pass myself to do the things that bring joy to my life, I always need more information, more motivation, more time, and more support…

The commitments that I made to myself have become a “someday, somewhere, someone else” phenomenon. I will watch Miss Saigon again someday, I will contribute to others in Africa but not to the people around me, and I will protest the system if someone else does it first. Most of us live our lives as if “someday, somewhere, someone else” does exist and we put our dreams and commitments on hold for it. We all know that life is unpredictable and anything could happen with little or no advanced warning, so what if there isn’t another day? We all know that the spatial constraints can be transcended with the current technology, so what if there’s no other place but here? What if that someone that we are hanging our hopes and dreams on is also waiting for someone else or maybe waiting for us? Are we going to wait for an eternity for one another to act? However, waiting for some other time that’s better than this moment, waiting for a place that’s better than here, and waiting for another person to lead us to our dreams seem so logical and adulthood...

Children are so much more fun, exciting, and easy to watch, to be with, and to love. They capture our time, attention, and our hearts because they don’t have the ‘patience’ and ‘excuses’. Children make things happen while we adults wait for things to happen to us. It seems to me that we can live an exciting and fulfilled life if we are willing to stop practicing the “someday, somewhere, someone else” phenomenon that we have created for ourselves as adults. I am going to start practicing having it now, doing it here, and it’s my responsibility. Call me out on it if I am waiting for that "someday, somewhere, someone else" - you’ll be helping me realizing my dreams!

City of Trees

2009-02-10T16:56:00.000-08:00

I was driving back to work from the Sacramento Convention Center down J Street and suddenly realized that Sacramento IS the city of trees... I have lived and worked in Sacramento for the past seven years and I have hated being here and complained to many because of the hot weather in the valley, not being close to our families, and that Sacramento isn't peaceful and beautiful enough compared with Madison, Wisconsin and it's not "city" enough like Taipei or San Francisco. To me, Sacramento was a transitory city for a transient like me, and I have a lot of friends that are 'stuck' in Sacramento to prove me right on my perspective on Sacramento!

It was not until recently that I embraced living in Sacramento. This city is not as quiet compared to Madison but it is definitely the more happening capitol of the two. Sacramento is not as "city" compared to San Francisco or Taipei, but it has the trees and spaces that you will not find in those cities... Why did it take me 7 years to finally appreciate the City of Trees? The answer is simple, because I wasn't willing to see what Sacramento offers.

Living in a big city was always my goal for myself after graduate school, to me, Sacramento was not the place that I wanted to live long term so I chose to live here as if I was an outsider even though I was "living" here. I chose not to see the beauty and diversity that Sacramento offers because I might leave here any minute, I chose not to enjoy the house that we purchased because we might sell it soon, and I chose not to create my community here because I was leaving one of these days...

As I drove down J street to come back to work, I realized how much I have missed out for not being present to what this city offers. I just left the Women's Investments Conference listening to Madeline Albright on a Tuesday afternoon about 10 blocks away from work. As I walked back to my car, the sun warmed me up and it was breezy outside. This is February and it was about 60 degrees Fahrenheit... Not only it was a beautiful day out, but I also had the opportunity to listen to one of the most inspirational women in the world. This all happened in the City of Trees the moment that I embraced the City and the moment that I chose to see...

Purpose in Life

2009-02-05T16:05:00.001-08:00

I was so heart broken when the War in Gaza killed innocent Palestinians living in the region and no one seemed to care. I was not upset because of the failure of politics or policies but I was so sad that with the number of people dying that rose by the day, no one seemed to care and no one seemed to notice... The death toll is now almost half of what it was for 9/11 but I still don't hear people talking about it... I asked myself: "How can we as a community let this happen?" "How can we not ask questions?" and "how can we not care?" I asked myself so many unanswerable questions and I was sad and resigned. Then, I asked myself this "Is this community deserving of my contribution? Why am I the only one?" I was ready to give up... And then, Dave sat down with me and shared a few things with me, what he said can be summarized by this quote by Andrew Harvey, "If you're really listening. If you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break, it's purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold evermore wonder."

It is easy to give up our commitment for reasons and logic, it is easy to pass on the responsibilities to someone else to step up or speak up, and it is very easy to live small, love small, and play safe. However, being resigned and cynical to the point that we lose our true selves and our commitment because of our fear of failure is no way to be truly happy... If we can fill our lives with commitments that are larger than us, we'll live a fulfilled and purposeful live.

As Martin Luther King said "A man who won't die for something is not fit to live. I am committed to make this an equal world for all. I will speak out for those that don't have a voice, remind the policy makers that there are people watching, I will lend a hand to those in need. From now on, I am ready to have my heart broken over and over again for the cause that I will never fulfill in my life time...

Wedding Jitters

2009-02-02T14:18:00.000-08:00

A few glasses of wine, lunch, and a coffee later, Angie, Mariola, and I sat outside of Peet's coffee shop on L street in Sacramento soaking in the weather and doing one of the exercises that Mariola learned from her course. The conversation was regarding Angela's upcoming move to Poland to be with her fiance. The exercise drew out the excitement, love, uncertainty, and many many other emotions and thoughts that Angela has over moving to Poland. This exercise reminded me of my own anxiety before our wedding and the uncertainty that I experienced before tying the knot.

If there is such a thing as being experienced in making the commitment to share one's life with another person, looking back, what are the questions that I would ask myself that would matter and would help me determine whether I am making the correct decision? There are a lot of great questions such as "are we going to be compatible?", "what does our future look like?", "do we have the same values?", and "is he or she the one for me?" These are questions that may or may not be answerable but what is worse is that having answers to these questions won't resolve our fear of uncertainty...

If I was to advise my younger self at the juncture of contemplating marriage, I would say to my younger self "Choosing the love your life is easy, you just have to follow your heart. Loving the love of your life for a life time is the art that you have to master and the challenge that you have to concur because you will have to learn to always listen to your heart and only your heart..."

Perfect As You Are

2009-01-13T17:21:00.000-08:00

Recently I was asked by Racel to be Nikki's godmother. Racel brought up the topic before our breakfast trip to the cafeteria in my cube. If you can see our office, this place does not have the ambiance for these kind of occasions. However, I was delighted and honored to be asked and I answered, "Yes, of course!" The first thing that went through my mind was, "me? Godmother? Am I qualified?". Racel went on to say that there are more than one godmothers and Ira will be the main godmother so I don't have to worry about the responsibilities too much. To tell the truth, as soon as Racel posed the first question, I was in my head having a conversation with myself the whole time. "What good qualities do I have to teach this baby?", "Am I really qualified for this?" and "What are the responsibilities of being a good godmother? Maybe I am not fit to be one?"

After a few days and some serious thinking, I realized that there is really nothing that I can teach Nikki but maybe I can be there for her and to take some things away...

Nikki was born perfect and complete and I was a witness of that! The first several years of her life will be worry and anxiety-free and she will live the fullest life and enjoy everyone around her without reservations. The first several years will be adventurous for Nikki and she will experience everything with one hundred percent curiosity and she will be fully present with no concerns of the past or the future! The first several years of Nikki's life, Nikki will be my teacher and I will be there to learn!

Once Nikki gets a little older, she will start to learn the boundaries of this world. She will learn what are good and what are bad behaviors and who is angry, sad, or happy. Nikki will learn the emotions and define the meanings of these feelings for herself. I want to be there to let her know that it is ok to have the emotions and feelings but just don't take them too seriously.

When Nikki becomes an adult, she will have experienced many things on her own. When she has doubts about herself, I will ask her to give them up. When she has doubts about others, I will tell her to listen to her instinct and trust herself. When Nikki gets her heart broken, I will tell her that she will get to love more than once and when she becomes cynical and resigned, I will encourage her to love courageously and not hold back!

I have a lot more learning to do before Nikki becomes a big girl but with her help in the next several years, I will be able to pass on the wisdom back to her! I am delighted to have the opportunity to be part of Nikki's life and I am excited to get to look her in the eyes and say to her "you are perfect as you are".

Curious & Beautiful 2009

2008-12-31T10:28:00.000-08:00

By sending out the email for creating the action list for 2009, I got amazing responses from friends, family, and colleagues! Many people want to learn a new language but don't have the time, some want to learn a new instruments but have little motivation, and most people want to be fit and healthy but have not been serious about it. After receiving some of the emails, I realized that we have been making excuses to not do the things that we really want to do and this is a great opportunity to share the actions that we would like to take and form a partnership in taking these actions!

Mariola gave me a great idea to create a theme for my 2009 actions - so I am stealing her idea! The theme that I would like to create is being curious and beautiful for 2009! Being curious means experiencing new things, people, and my own boundaries, and being beautiful means being physically fit, mentally peaceful, and challenged intellectually which means beautiful inside and out! How do I achieve being curious and beautiful? Here are some things that I would like to have, be completed, and experienced by the end of 2009 that are inspiring and fun for me!

1. I would like to complete at least one piano lesson and learn how to read music notes again by the end of 2009. After I shared this with friends, I found three other friends that are interested in the same thing and two of them will sign up to a piano course in Sacramento with me. Andrew is the third person that is interested in learning piano, so we bought each other the exact same electric piano for Christmas!!! Learning piano will be part of my beautification process!

2. I would like to be able to run 10K by next Thanksgiving! I will start training for the 10K in Januray so I can join the Thanksgiving run in Sacramento. I am sure this is the best way to get into shape physically and will be a great challenge for my mind! (I can't even run a mile without stopping right now so this one will be very interesting... )

3. I would like to attend at least 5 concerts, Broadway shows, and/or drama by the end of 2009. I have always enjoyed going to these events, committing to do it 5 times this year will make me very happy! It will be awesome!

4. I would also like to cook at least 3 times out of a week and avoid coffee and carbonated drinks completely! Home cooked meals have always been my favorite but I just need to invest more time in making that happen for our household!!! Besides, most of my friends are great cooks, finding excuses to learn a few impressive dishes will be a lot of fun!

5. I also would like to start golfing again. Jim bought me some really nice clubs after the old ones were stolen. I would like to play at least 10 games in 2009! This will be an easy one to find partners!

6. There are about 10-15 books in our house that I started reading but never finished in the last two years and I would like to complete reading all of them. I would also like to learn and familiarize myself with the Great Depression by utilizing library resources! I will post reviews on the books when I complete each one.

7. This last one will be the hardest one to keep. I would like to quit being late for appointments, meetings, classes, and parties so that I am not wasting other people's time.

By sharing these actions that I am taking, it places these thoughts and wishes into reality for me. I am now accountable for my words! I am excited that I have found friends as partners for my 2009 actions through sharing. Hopefully I can help to pair up other people's interests and goals for the upcoming year! It's going to be a busy year but I am looking forward to my curious and beautiful 2009!

Creating 2009

2008-12-31T10:24:00.000-08:00

Many of you have received the letter that I sent out two weeks ago and I have gotten great responses. Here's the letter if you haven't had the opportunity to look at it.

Dear friends and family,
I am writing to invite you to play a game with me for 2009! I had a roller coaster ride in 2008 and I am looking forward to a great and awakened 2009! You know how the New Year's resolution hardly ever come true for most of us? So this year, instead of making a wish list that doesn't come true, I want to put a list together that's called 2009 action list!

I am inviting you to write down something that you would like to do or have happen in 2009. It cannot be something that you know that you can accomplish but it has to be a list of things that you will enjoy doing that will also take your commitment. By commitment I mean it is not going to be "reasoned" out of existence due to your circumstances. For example, if you are committed to quit smoking, you are quitting and there's no ifs, ands, and buts! that kind of commitment! it can't be a maybe tomorrow, maybe next week thing. So, this is going to be a list of actions that you are committed in doing in 2009. You list it out and we support each other in making the list happen! You'll need to be specific and have a timeline attached to each action,taking a foreign language - you'll have to say which language and when you are going to register for the course.be healthy - you will have to specify how and what actions you are going to take. Cook for yourself at least three times a week instead of once a week. Exercise two times a week instead of two times a month, etc.be there for your spouse/significant other/family - You'll put down how many additional days or hours you will commit to being with them instead of just declaring the action.

I will post these commitments on my blog without the names and we can support each other in making these happen for 2009! Please email me the list of actions by the end of next week, put some thoughts into it and I look forward to see your list of actions! I will share mine on the blog. I love you and have a very Merry X'mas and very Happy New Year!

Anny

Reflecting on 2008

2008-12-23T15:35:00.000-08:00

I started 2008 with a list of New Year's resolutions on our refrigerator, not knowing how they are going to get accomplished and if these 'empty wishes' will ever come true by the end of the year. Little did I know, 2008 was going to be the ride of my life!

Early into the first month of January, I got the most annoying but life changing email of my life and the email was from Gina to 'encourage' me to register for the Landmark Forum. You have to know some background to understand why the email was annoying... My sister, Angela, has invited me to take this course called the Landmark Forum for at least five years! I resisted, turned her down, argued with her, made fun of her until she talked about the course less at a tolerable level. The first week of January 2008, there it was, Gina's email to 'bug' me to do the Landmark Forum and I just couldn't believe it!!! The strange thing was that Gina's email was genuine, loving, interesting, and kind of amazing but I registered for the course right away not because the nature of the email but the determination: "I will have to get these two women off my back to have a peaceful 2008!" This is how I started the most amazing journey of my life in 2008. (Note: I registered for the Landmark Forum because I don't want to hear another word about landmark! so friends and family, to shut me up about landmark, you'll just have to sign up for the course!)

Needless to say, I saw a lot of things for myself out of the Landmark Forum, and I also see that my motto "I don't need help, I can do it myself" was the very reason that I did not register for the course and my "independence" showed up in every aspect of my life. Through the landmark forum, I saw that I was weary of failure so I stopped taking actions, I was concerned about breaking my heart so I stopped loving, and I was not living the life that inspired me because I didn't think I could. After seeing those constraints that I have placed on myself, I realized why my life was going the way it was...

In 2008, the biggest challenged that I faced was taking myself on. I observed my thoughts, practiced not being so reasonable and cynical, battled my emotions, and ignored a lot of my own running commentaries that stopped me from taking actions in my life. I had the best and worst kind of experiences of my life this year but I experienced them and I was fully aware that they were just experiences. I tasted successes and failures and was fully present to that these were just results of the 'games' that I chose to play and actions that I took. I saw my own strengths and shortcomings and I embraced and loved them knowing that they have defined who I was and I get to choose who I want to become. My 2008 was the most awakened and exciting year out of the past 32 that I have lived because I chose to live life and gave myself permission to have my heart broken everyday with everyone. Hiding behind the walls that I built for myself just isn't good enough for me anymore!

This past year was an exciting roller coaster ride of living life fully! I had many triumphs over my past and circumstances and I feel alive and energized! 2009 will be another wild ride, so get on it with me and let's scream and enjoy this trip. After all, there is only one life and only one 2009!

Thank you for all of your encouragement and support this year! I wish all of you a merry Christmas and happy New Year!

A Thankful Thanksgiving

2008-12-02T20:37:00.000-08:00

This Thanksgiving is one of the most amazing one that I have ever had. Jim and I ran for the Sacramento "run to feed the hungry" race on Thanksgiving morning, entertained our friends over the weekend, and spend some quality time with one another to celebrate our 4th anniversary.

It has been five years since I last saw Andrew. He drove up from LA on Thanksgiving day to visit and spend the long weekend with us. After the morning race, Jim and I rushed home to prepare the Thanksgiving meal for our only guest. The dinner included a citrus rosemary salted turkey, sauteed beans seasoned with garlic, good old mashed potatoes and the August West pinot noir and D cubed zinfandel. The food was very traditional but the conversations were exceptional. The boys talked about the financial market, recent regulations, European and Asian history, real estate, politics, race and gender, and the most important topic - the food and the wines. I have always enjoyed talking to Andrew and Jim, but listening to their conversations was even better! At the end of the evening, we finished two bottles of wine, a Cuban cigar, and almost completely devoured the 14 pound turkey!

We woke up in the middle of the night to take Andrew to the Folsom outlet mall for his first mid-night black Friday shopping excursion and slept in until the afternoon on Friday. Before we hit the pillows again, we had more conversations, more drinks, and tons more food. Andrew woke up the next morning completely stuffed for the entire weekend.

Saturday was our 4th anniversary. I picked John up from the train station as he arrived from San Francisco. John and I got tons of groceries as John prepared to cook for our 4th anniversary dinner with friends! The cooking process was long but the food turned out to be extraordinary!!! We had two appetizers, a salad, an entree, a bottle of Richard Perry syrah, and topped off by the best desert ever! We talked, shared, listened, ate, drank, laughed, and ate some more... The evening ended with more talking, sharing, laughters and many cups of organic coffee!

Andrew and John left on Sunday morning to return to their cities. Jim and I said our goodbyes and spent the rest of the day by ourselves. Jim and I both felt that this was one of the most intimate Thanksgivings that we have had in Sacramento because of the generosity, openness, and love that our friends shared with us. This Thanksgiving was definitely one of the most memorable. For this, we are truly grateful!

Naiveté

2008-11-22T11:17:00.000-08:00

We are brought up and educated to analyze, assess, and evaluate situations, problems, and people and we are warned that being naive is no way to survive in our society and this world. I can vividly remember taking offense to being called naive when I was younger, therefore, adopting cynicism and embracing resignation seemed only natural. One day, I woke up as a "reasonable" adult looking for proof and evidence that this world does not tolerate naiveté. After all, it is easier to lower the expectations of people and government policies than to be hopeful and then disappointed.

I had a conversation with a colleague the other night talking about the automobile industry bailout. We both agreed that the auto industry deserves to fail but the consequence of such failure will be catastrophic not only to the industry itself but the economy as a whole. We disagreed on the root of the problem therefore the solution to the issue. We are not trying to pretend that we have THE solution for the auto industry but the discussion was to exchange information and checking in with our thought process. At the end of our discussion, he said "I don't care about what happens to the Big Three or Detroit, what's important to me is my family and my savings". I nodded in agreement and left for home. As I got on the highway and sat in traffic, it occurred to me that not only are the financial markets around the world intricately linked together, the asset classes are synchronized by various factors and economies, but all of us - human beings - will inevitably be affected by the choices that each one of us make.

This is going to sound naive but we can no longer afford to believe that our choices in our lives only affect us. The consequences of our decisions are borne by many if not all. The financial system meltdown is the manifestation of our beliefs and choices over time. The mentality that our actions do not affect others have been proven dead wrong. We are not many, but we are one. The choices that we make at the expense of others will eventually come back to haunt us, maybe not in our generation, but it will eventually catch up to our future.

Intervention?

2008-11-12T11:41:00.000-08:00

I have been itching to write about the financial market bailout but had a lot of considerations so I have been refraining from sharing my point of view until today... Please note that this is my opinion and in no way it reflects the reality of the market.

First of all, the US government's treatment of failing financial institutions in September of this year failed to restore confidence in the financial market and possibly fueled the trading volatility in the equity market. The fed arranged the sale of Bear Stearns to JPMorgan, took over Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae and wiped out these institutions' preferred and equity holders, then the government allowed Lehman Brother to fail without government assistance and turned around the very next day to bailout AIG by extending a $85 billion loan package. Shortly after AIG, the FDIC seized Washington Mutual and threw it into the arms of JPMorgan which made JPMorgan the largest US depository institution. (I thought the reason for the bailout was because these banks are too big to fail, so why are we making them bigger?) The Washington Mutual acquisition by JPMorgan was completed at the expense of unsecured creditors. As if these weren't enough, FDIC orchestrated the Wachovia takeover by Citigroup with government assistance which was later countered by Wells Fargo with no government aid. (FDIC was going to sell Wachovia to Citigroup with government help for $2.2 billion and Wells Fargo offered $15.1 billion to takeover Wachoiva. Wells Fargo must have gotten the valuation right because Citigroup put up a good fight for this transaction)

In addition to failing to provide equal treatment of financial institutions, Congress also passed a $700 billion bailout package without a thoughtful implementation strategy. Treasurer Hank Paulson announced today that the $700 billion package will not be used to purchase toxic assets that was originally intended by Congress. The money will be used to provide additional equity injection to the banks that have not eased lending practices. A few banks have taken advantage of the TARP (troubled asset relief program) to acquire their rivals to make themselves bigger, pay dividends to make the executives richer, and reclassifying their assets by avoiding mark-to-market to make their earnings look better to ensure their bonuses are in tact. Whether these are intended or unintended consequences of government intervention, something needs to be done so that our financial system, corporations, and small business remain solvent and what is left of the taxpayer money from TARP does not go to waste AGAIN.

The Power Within

2008-11-10T16:07:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had other people tell you how great you are and it is just impossible for you to believe them? Have you ever been acknowledged and just do not feel like you deserve it? Has someone told you that you've made a profound impact on his/her life and you just don't know if you can take credit for it? This happens to me all the time and it happens to a lot of my friends and colleagues too. There are so many amazing people in my life that I can see their strengths, their love, their ability to make a difference, and their power. However, the power that they have within themselves is usually hidden from their view that awaits to be tapped into and unleashed.

John is one of the power houses that I know who just radiates energy, charm, and tons of love! I was so fortunately to be there for him as he goes through the landmark forum as he starts to let people back into his life and move on from the past. I was so touched and inspired by his appreciation for inviting him to the landmark forum. I have no doubt that John will continue to touch and inspire others in his life and I am absolutely certain that he will electrify everyone by sharing his power within.

Recently, I heard this quote that I just can't get it out of my mind - We never touch people so lightly that we do not leave a trace. Because of this quote, I no longer (or seldom) gets fiesty with telemarketers or credit card company representatives. By acknowledging the power I have within myself, it not only allows me to contribute to others but it also teaches me to be responsible for managing this power so I can always leave others appreciated and empowered.

Halloween

2008-10-30T16:50:00.001-07:00

Too bad that I won't be in Sacramento this year for Halloween. I'll be on the plane to NYC tomorrow night but hopefully I can at least see some people in costumes in New York. I wonder if New York City's parties are better than waiting on kids to show up at the door. I think so, so I must be getting old...

The past several years, Jim and I have dressed up, handed out candies, and went out for adult beverages, so we always had a good time! The kids and teenagers show up at our place as spiderman, superwoman, geisha (or some kind of Asian ghost), star war characters, red necks, and all kinds of interesting costumes! Our neighborhood will have a hundred some people come through for candies, I just love Halloween! If I was little, this will be one of my favorite holidays!

Tell me what you are going to be for Halloween and send me pictures so I can share the experience and excitment! Happy Halloween!!!

Commitment

2008-10-27T15:47:00.001-07:00

It is hard to keep a commitment. Commitments can be big and it can be small but they are all difficult to keep. Commitments can be as small as being on time, meeting due dates, eating healthy, exercising or it can be as big as achieving a career goal, supporting a friend or family, to committing to a person or a relationship.

These promises are hard to keep because we are used to not keeping our words. We procrastinate and justify our actions, we apologize when we don't REALLY mean it, and friends and family around us let us off the hook by not holding us accountable. Slowly but surely, our words lose value to others, to ourselves, then our confidence in ourselves begins to erode, and so we give this 'disease' a fancy name - commitment phobia.

It is very easy to not keep our words and find excuses to get out of these simple commitments. However, the consequence of this simple action is tremendous and sometimes daunting. To restore confidence in myself, I am striving to keep all of my words. If I don't keep my word, please don't let it slide without letting me know how it impacted you and others so that I can be held responsible for not just my actions, but my words.

Protecting Happiness

2008-10-19T23:21:00.000-07:00

Most of us are seeking and looking for something. We want to love and be loved, to cherish and be cherished, to understand and be understood, to desire and be desired, to learn and teach, to give and receive, and to right and sometimes to wrong. We are constantly looking for the meaning of life, meaning of our existence, and meaning our experiences. It is in the search of these feelings, emotions, meanings, and experiences that we find our identity but we also risk of losing ourselves in this constant search.

I am turning 33 this December, and I have looked, searched, and found pieces of what I want and desire but never knew what was "the thing" that makes me joyful, content, and happy. Last night, after a conversation with John and some thinking, I realized that the source of my happiness comes from simplicity. My childhood, teenage years, and adulthood - up until this point have all been pretty complicated. The complication comes from the past and creating complication is almost my personality and my second nature. When I live in the complication of the past or the ones that I create, I am never truly happy. It is when I simplify my life that I find peace, joy, and happiness.

My attempts to search for the fulfillment in life have mostly been external - a relationship, a friend, a pair of shoes, a dress, more money, the next promotion, etc. Those attempts have always failed miserably leaving me even less satisfied and sometimes empty. When I am touched and moved by simplicity, those moments are often the best times of my life but always short-lived. Last night, I finally realized that, for me to be happy, I have to protect my happiness. Protecting happiness is a moment by moment choice and I will have to learn to let simplicity linger and shorten the life of complexity in my life. I am looking forward to protecting my happiness...

Abundance

2008-10-06T08:46:00.000-07:00

Returning to the States and our home in Sacramento from a two week trip to Europe made me realized that we, as Americans, live in a country of abundance, and in many cases, excess of material posessions.

In most German restaurants that we patronized, we sat down and ordered our own water or other drinks, the restaurants do not serve you free water, you have to order your own water and pay for it. So guess what, Jim and I only had beers when we had our meals and we started craving for water after a week of beer hydration. The gas prices in Europe was unbelievable, not only that the prices were quoted in Euros, the unit that they operate in is in liters not gallons, no wonder they drive small cars and have brilliant transportation system for the masses.

Going into the global recession, we'll all have to learn to conserve and choose between our needs and wants on a day to day basis. The convenience and instant gratification that we have enjoyed for so long will be challenged and will have to change. However, I am not so sure if this is a such bad thing. We'll save more, consume less, support each other more, and waste a lot less. It is about time that our contributions to the world outweigh our out of control consumption appetite. This is not so bad is it?

Berlin II

2008-09-30T23:46:00.000-07:00

We met up with Danielle at her place in Berlin on Monday morning around noon for more Berlin sight-seeing. It is always so great to meet up with close friends in a foreign city especially when they know where to take you for the best and less crowded sites! Jim, Danielle, and I, chatted, walked, rested, drank, trained, and visited Check Point Charlie, sections of the Berlin Wall, and the Topography of Terror. The sites were mostly by where the Berlin Wall once stood and where it once divided Germany into the east and the west. We saw various sections of the remaining wall, the guard tower, the documentation of the Nazi ruling, and the history of the division of the Berlin Wall. The sites were extremely intriguing and it was hard to imagine that the Berlin Wall which divided Germany into the east and west stood and fell both in my life time in our generation. These sites took us about three to four hours to walk through and we ended up in Potsdamer Platz for deserts, snacks, coffee, and drinks. It feels like one moment we were in the midst of the divide between the east and west of Berlin and the next moment we were in a completely different century. When the wall fell, the Eastern Germans must feel the same way, it must be hard to adapt to the schizophrenic changes.

For all this time that we have been in Germany, we almost always ate at traditional German restaurants. Since Jim and I can no longer have more sausages and pork dishes, Danille and her Italian friends took us to La Batea for some familiar and tasty Spanish / Mexican cuisine! It seems to me that the conversations with Italians over dinner and wine are always so pleasant! We talked about Rome (I just can’t help myself), Italian and American culture differences, Italian outlet stores, Berlin lifestyle, and it just went on and on… Before we know it, we just had a four hour Italian dinner in a Spanish restaurant in Berlin! I love meeting new people with different backgrounds! If it wasn’t 11:30pm at night, I am sure we can continue our inquisitions into our differences for several more hours.

I love the diversity that Berlin offers, there is so much to do, so many different people to cross path with, and so much history, culture, and burden… Berlin is not a lover like Rome but it is definitely a city for the curious – a city that is thought provoking, mysterious, modern, and all-encompassing.

Berlin I

2008-09-30T23:44:00.000-07:00

We arrived in Berlin at midnight on Friday evening after our visit to the historic Nurnberg. The taxi ride from the Hauptbahnhof to our hotel was a long ride (the taxi driver circled around for no good reason) and the evening of former Eastern Berlin was a little somber, eerie, and estranged from the rest of the European cities that we have visited.

We read up on the US government bailout news the next morning. Ever since Italy, my addiction over the financial market kicked in with a vengeance, we have been buying FT and watching international edition of CNN every morning on our Germany trip. Outraged with the bailout plan, we decided to start our first morning in Berlin a little later and we walked to the Alexanderplatz after we pealed ourselves out of the hotel room. On our way to Unter den Linden, we unexpectedly ran into the Berlin Marathon crowd. Many of the runners were bow-legged walking down the streets and subway stations and others had finished the race and were enjoying their beers and relaxing on the grass by Brandenburg Gate. This was my first time seeing a large group of marathon runners gathered in one spot, it was interesting to see people with medals on their necks, fans and family cheering besides the runners, and seeing the competitors crowd the street of Berlin. We did not realize that the Berlin Marathon had taken place and ended by the Brandenburg Gate but it was fun to watch the party after the run. The serious and solemn Berlin morning suddenly got washed away by the runners’ festive energies!

After our stroll through the Brandenburg Gate and a nearby park, we stopped at the Holocaust Memorial designed by the American architect - Peter Eisenman that was funded by the German government. The memorial looked like nothing but blocks of fake tombs at first, but after walking through the memorial, the blocks have different heights that can go as high as four meters! The information center for the Holocaust Memorial is a must-see if you visit Berlin. The center is well put-together and the information collected is thorough and extremely interesting. The Memorial was dedicated to the Jewish community that was murdered in all of Europe under the Nazi rule. The exhibit at the museum was extremely disturbing and I can’t help but wonder, “How is it that humans can bring such atrocity to one another?” and “Will we ever learn our lessons from history?” The Memorial was established to remind us that the tragedy has happened in the past and that it is possible that it will happen again if we don’t remember history. With the reminder of the Memorial, I really hope that all of us, including the Jewish community, do not repeat our mistakes again as in the early 1940s…

Yes, the Holocaust Memorial really made an impression on me. Berlin has the history and culture to flex and test your emotional barometers, so be ready for it! After the Holocaust Memorial, we visited the Reichstag (Parliament Building) that is around the corner from the Brandenburg Gate. Reichstag was presumably burnt down by Hitler in 1933 so that he can blame the Communist Party to gain power. Each tour to the Reichstag took about 30 tourists and the guides herded us to the roof of the Parliament for an amazing night view of Berlin. The top of the Reichstag was a glass dome with an upside down cone composed by thousands of mirrors to capture natural light into the legislative chamber. At the very top of the upside down cone, it opens into the sky with stars shining through its opening in the evening. We walked around the open air area and this looks like the alien welcoming platform in the movie Independence Day! No kidding! The reason that the top of the legislative chamber was built by glass is so that the process of the government is transparent and accountable to the people of Germany. Maybe this is what we need in Washington DC?

The sites in former Eastern Germany were fascinating. It will take your emotions and thoughts through various times in history with great opportunities to reflect upon our current political and international affairs. So far, I have enjoyed Berlin and can’t wait to meet up with Danille for further exploration of this conflicted city that bears such historical significance! Stay tuned!

Oktoberfest

2008-09-28T00:20:00.000-07:00

It was almost ceremonial that Jim and I decided to go have our brunch before heading to Oktoberfest so that we have some “awake” time before the beer fest overwhelmed us. We decided to have our brunch at Glockenspiel Café that is across the street from Marienplatz on the fourth floor. I was surprised that the Café was so packed with Germans eating full breakfasts on a Thursday morning like this. We sat closed to the window with a view overlooking Marienplatz , the drizzle, and the busy tourists snapping photos.

We took the S and then U Bahn and exited Goetheplatz, then followed a bunch of people in costumes to reach our destination – Oktoberfest! Oktoberfest is really something else! It is an American Halloween, July 4th celebration, and the California State Fair on a lot of alcohol that happens every year in Munich, Germany! We got in to the best tent (according to the German students) around 11:30 in the morning, and the tent was packed with tourists and Germans in Oktoberfest outfits – the boys are in lederhosen and the girls were in country maiden dresses. Jim and I joined some German university students that were waiting for their friends for some beer, food, and conversation… The German students that we met, Jenny, Robin, and Sebastian, started drinking around 10:45 in the morning and their friends are in other tents saving seats for possible tent rotations. Talk about dedication!

Jim and I sat by them from 11am through almost 6pm at night. The crowd started flowing around 5pm and the singing, drinking, shouting, and all the craziness associated with drinking beers started right around then also. We met more people that we couldn’t keep up with the names, but we’ll be sending them their pictures… According to the students, the tents reach full capacity around 5-6pm and no one is allowed into the tents. I had three one-liter beers (two of them radlers – ½ beer and ½ lemonade) and I am not sure how many Jim had but I had to carry him back to the taxi and then to the hotel…

We were surprised to find out that the legal drinking age for Germans is 16 years old and that parents take kids to Oktoberfest when they are little. Many students that we sat by had around 10 years of Oktoberfest experience under their belts already! The drinking feast was more of a festival than I expected. If you have kids and family, bring them here, Oktoberfest truly is a festival of everyone!!! Another item off of our bucket list - Oktoberfest was truly an experience of a life time!

Bucket List

2008-09-25T01:32:00.000-07:00

After the Bisori wedding, Jim and I decided to head up north to Fussen to climb up to the Tegelberg which is approximately 1800 meters high. Jim had this in mind three years ago when we visited Fussen and couldn’t get out of his head, so here we go…

The train ride from Florence, Italy to Innsbruck, Austria was a gruesome eight hour long ride. We fed ourselves a good Italian pizza meal and walked up the Giatto’s tower (414 steps for 6 euros) before we headed back to the train station in Florence. This is our second time in Florence and coming back here was strangely familiar to both of us. Florence was just as busy as the last time we visited, the food was as good as we remembered, the view from top of the Giatto’s tower was just as breath-taking as we have captured in our camera from the last trip. We stopped in Florence only briefly this time and we were on our train to Innsbruck, Austria.

As we started heading towards the border of Italy, the landscape changed from hilly Tuscany cities to little villages next to mountains with steep rocky cliffs. The closer we got to Austria, the higher the train had to climb, the colder we got. I was excited to visit Innsbruck because last time, we only had time to see the Innsbruck train station! This year, we’ll at least have one evening and a short morning to see Innsbruck! We stayed at Hotel Maximiliar by old town Innsbruck this time. Our walk to old town Innsbruck was just around the corner from the hotel. Buildings in the old town were painted in bright colors. They were not painted in single color but many of them were etched with extremely artistic murals outside of the buildings. Many buildings also have sculptures attached to the windows, roof, outside walls, and one of the main tourist attractions was the building with a golden copper roof. (The Golden Roof) Innsbruck must be a fun place to visit; it will have to go on my long want-to-travel-to list for next time.

Speaking of lists, we finally arrived in Fussen, Germany to complete one of Jim’s items on his buck list after a 2.5 hours train and bus ride from Innsbruck, Austria the next morning. Jim and I decided to see Neuschwanstein castle again, so we rode in a horse carriage with 10 others to see this fairytale castle up in the mountains. The ride up the hill started out very romantic with an Australian couple sitting next to us in the front row right behind the horses until one of the horses starting tooting. Yup, the girl horse kept farting and the four of us kept laughing until the horse finally stopped and did her thing.... I know this is kind of disgusting, but it was just too funny. Imagine the couples wanting to make this a romantic ride so horses were hired instead of buses, and there you are, sitting behind the tooting horse that pooped right in front of you. Talk about close and personal!

During the tour of Neuschwanstein, we found out that there was a concert every year open to the public at the concert hall of the castle at this time of the year. So guess what we did? We went back up to the Castle (this time by bus) and waited for two tickets out of the 480 seats that might become available last minute. We waited in the ticket office with no heat for an hour, and Germans were true to their heritage, out of the 480 guests, every single one of them showed up! The German volunteers at the concert pitied us and gave us a ride back down the mountain so we did not have to walk back through the forest in the cold at night! So our trip to Fussen to complete one of Jim’s items on his bucket list added something new for me! I am coming back to Fussen to enjoy a concert in the mad King’s Castle!

Jim was such a good sport to wait with me in the cold for a concert tickets so I decided that I was going to complete his goal of 1800 meter climb up on the Telgelberg with him. This was the most satisfying bad decision I have ever made…

After we ascended for ten minutes, we saw a sign to Telgelberg that it was going to take us three hours. I thought to myself, shall I keep climbing or shall I turn around to wait for Jim at a local café or bar? I decided to keep going because I have made up my mind the night before that I was going to be by his side when he checks off his list! So we kept going… Just so you know, this was not just a hike, this was climbing and part of the trail rock-climbing. I did not train for the hike - I was just going to wing it! I had another decision to make after what it seems was one hour later, we reached another sign which indicated that the Telgelberg was another 2.5 hours away. At that point, I was ready to give up and start heading down the hill, but I am glad that I stuck with it. It was about two hours and fifteen minutes later that we hit the half way house. We sat by the heater, ordered some water and juice, got some rest, and head back out onto the path. While we were in the half-way house, you know what I was thinking right? We were only half way and it has taken me 2 hours and 15 minutes and my legs were sore and achy, I really wanted to turn back. By this time, it was not “I want to by Jim when he checks off this trip” that stopped me from turning back, it was “I want to head back but I don’t want to go back alone” and “he will have to do this another time which I really don’t want to be part of” that kept me going…

Fortunately, after our break, adrenaline finally kicked in and the ascending had become easier. We competed with other climbers in perfect climbing gear but surprisingly, the next half of our trip only took us one hour to complete even though the terrain has become rockier and more difficult to climb up. It was not until we had arrived at the top of the mountain and finished enjoying our hot soup and cold beer that the climbers with climbing gear made it up to the Tegelberghaus (dinner / bar at top of Tegelberg). Jim and I were sweaty and tired, but totally amazed and satisfied to have beaten the climbers with the right gear! Heck, not only that we didn’t have any climbing gear, I had my LV purse (which some climbers laughed and pointed at when they were descending down the mountain), and we still beat the “professionals”! Where there is a will, there is a way!

While we were sitting at the haus warming ourselves up, a biker asked to join our table, we welcomed him and started talking. He took a similar route up the mountain with his bike and it was a 1.5 hour ride for him to go up the mountain. We asked him whether this was his first time up because he was extremely sweaty in his biking outfit, he said “no, I do this every week”. Jim and I looked at each other and I secretly said to myself, “every week? I don’t even want this hike to be on my bucket list, let alone doing this every week!” I couldn’t believe it. The biker changed into some dry clothes, had a cup of tea, chatted with us and the owner a bit, and got his gear ready again. I asked him, “Are you riding down the mountain?” He replied “of course, it only takes 45 minutes, it is easier”. I stared at him in disbelief as he walked out of the haus. I thought Jim was crazy to put this hike on his bucket this, this biker must be very mad to do this every weekend!!! No wonder this biker is stick thin…

After we soaked up our success and achievement, we bought the gondola tickets to ride down the mountain – there was no way I am walking down that mountain! The gondola that we were on started descending from the clouds and fog into the clearing. We could see the path that we took, Hohenschwangau, Neuschwanstein, then the field and the city of Schwangau… The view was beautiful but we were both exhausted. I still can’t believe we climbed up 1881 meters in 3 hours and 15 minutes, but Jim is ecstatic that climbing Tegelberg is off of his bucket list.

We trained to Munich after our climb and we didn’t even make it to our next bucket list destination – Oktoberfest, tonight. We are both beyond exhausted, but tomorrow, we’ll conquer the infamous Oktoberfest! Oktoberfest, here we come, we just need one good night sleep then we’ll be ready!

Kelly's Wedding

2008-09-22T14:41:00.000-07:00

On our way to Pistoia, I called Kelly from the Florence train station. It was so great to hear her voice and I started to get very excited about seeing her. It has been almost three months since Kelly moved to Italy and what has been hard for me was that we used to do something together almost everyday. Kelly was my neighbor, colleague, carpool buddy, drinking buddy, and one of my best friends. After she left Sacramento to be with the love of her life in Italy, I have been missing her. As I watched the perfectly color coordinated Tuscany shutters and homes fly by our train, I reminisced about the years that I have known Kelly and our time that we spent together in Sacramento. It was approximately 40 minutes from Florence station that we arrived at the Pistoia termini.

Carl picked up Jim, the Jacobsens’ and I at the Pistoia train station while Kelly was getting her nails done for the wedding the next day. When we arrived, Kelly and I hugged each other and started crying. I was so happy to see her and I really missed her… There was a lot of emotion running through me. - I was happy for her but sad to see her leave Sacramento. I was ecstatic for her that she has found Ciro but concerned about her happiness without her parents or friends. Kelly is like my sister from a different part of the world and I am glad that we came to Italy to attend their wedding.

Jim and I were moved into one of the Bisori villas and the view from our room was out of this world. It was Tuscany at its best, the hilly landscape, the trees, fields, cities, the sun, and the breeze. I cannot believe how beautiful the view from the farm and villas looked, it was amazing and shocking. How can a girl like Kelly not fall in love with an attentive farmer like Ciro surrounded by the Tuscan landscape and under the Tuscan sun?

Kelly and Ciro’s wedding was absolutely stunning! Kelly was in beautiful pure white dress with corsette in the back that made her look like a bride featured in one of those bridal magazines. And Ciro was in a black suit that made him look anything but an olive farmer. The wedding was administered by a Catholic priest at this church up the hills of Pistoia and witnessed by approximately 90 guests. The church was located on top of the hills and the view from the church was in perfect Tuscany colors, green, yellow, and orange. When the church bell started ringing to celebrate the wedding, the guests started to arrive. The ceremony was a blend between the American and Italian wedding traditions. Chris walked Kelly’s mom, I walked down the aisle before the bride, and Kelly was walked down the aisle by a perfectly happy dad. The sermon was delivered in some English but mostly Italian, so most of the English speakers got to respond to the sermon guessing the Italian pronunciation. Towards the end of the ceremony, Ciro’s two groomsmen, Chris, and I were asked to be the witness of the marriage and we had to go up to the podium to sign four different sets of documents. It was very interesting, but I am not quite sure what the documents said… When the Bisori’s exited the church, they were greeted with rice thrown at them. It wasn’t a toss, it was a lot of rice thrown at the newly weds! It was fun for the guests but the bride and groom ended up with rice all over their hair and their beautiful clothes! Kelly was trying to shake it out of her hair even after the reception!

Needless to say, the food, drinks, and music at the reception were excellent! (The food was amazing! Kelly has to watch out if this is how they feed people in Italy!) The reception took place at the Ciro and Kelly’s new place; the first floor of their house is a wedding hall that backs into a beautiful terrace with a great view of Tuscany cities. The guests ate, drank, and danced, the evening was just magical. I am not sure how to better describe the wedding and reception but a fairytale that had come true!

It was hard to say goodbye to Kelly but I am not so worried about her anymore. I can see that she belongs here in the farm up in Pistoia with Ciro, the farmer, and that her life in Italy is so much more fulfilling with the love of her life by her side. Kelly always wanted to be in Europe and this is her dream come true, so what is there for me to worry about? I am very happy that Jim and I attended the wedding and saw how happy Kelly is. However, this great trip has to come to an end and we must part ways here in Italy. I love Kelly and want only the best for her. We will be physically apart but our friendship will remain. Every time when I have the not so authentic olive oil away from Pistoia, I will think about the beautiful landscape in Tuscany and my American sister that had her fairytale come true in Italy. I will miss you Kelly Bisori, congratulations!

Romantic Roma

2008-09-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

I was on the train to San Francisco for the Municipal conference from Sacramento when Lehman Brother’s filed bankruptcy this past Sunday evening. The events that unfolded after the bankruptcy were the acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, the AIG meltdown, and rescue of AIG by the Fed. By the time I got on the plane for our vacation in Europe, ALL of these events have taken place within 72 hours. As I got on the plane to Washington Dulles airport, I have read, listened, and watched the financial meltdown and that was the only thing I can obsess over on my flight to the East Coast.

After meeting up with Jim in Dulles, we watched and read some more about the Fed’s rescue of AIG, I have been obsessed with the recent financial crisis - I call it an obsession because the thought of vacationing in Italy and Germany didn’t even sound as fascinating as the financial market volatility. Everything changed when the captain of our flight to Italy announced that we will be descending into Rome in half an hour. I have been exhausted meeting and greeting bankers and potential customers at the conference, but the thought of arriving into the most romantic ancient city in the world gave me a jolt and woke me up to our vacation!

Jim and I were seriously jetlagged and hungry so we checked into our hotel that we booked while we were on the train into Roma and went out for our first pizza and beer at Ristorante Berzitello. (06-4782-4714) The seafood pizza was delicious with mussels, shrimp, calamari, clams, fish, olive oil, and fresh herbs. And beer has never tasted so good after a long flight, great pizza, and on the street of Roma. Rob, I am not trying to make you jealous but you really should be! (big smile on my face)

Prior to meeting Fabio and Sarah at La Gallina Bianco for dinner, Jim and I strolled around the Roman ruins and its modern streets. Every corner we turned to had something ancient and something new that blends into the most bizarre harmony. The Pantheon was circled by brightly lit restaurants and crowded cafés and stores. Chlesa del Gesu was surrounded by streets and cars, Monumento a Vittorio Emanuele II appeared out of nowhere but definitely caught our attention! Across the street from Via Curla was the Mercati Traiana, we ran through the two way traffic that doesn’t seem to stop for anyone like the Italian professional road crossers. (I am a talented road crosser having been born in Taiwan). Last but not least, the Colosseo and Arco di Costantino right outside of the subway station with blazing throughway traffic ignoring their existence. With the architecture, ruins, culture, and history, Italian men and women MUST be romantic, otherwise romance cannot exist! How lucky are the Romans! I love Roma, it is beyond romantic!

Needless to say, dinner at La Gallina Bianco was great. The restaurant was packed but we were in the good hands of Fabio and Sarah. We talked about Italians politics, global economy, bucket lists, places that we have and want to travel, and best cities in the world to live. I told Sarah how much I would love to live in Roma for a while, she said that she has came to appreciate Roma so much more after she has traveled to various cities in the world. She adds, “I regret that I will never be able to see Roma with the eyes of tourists”. At that moment, I realized that Romans are lucky and cursed at the same time, they will never be able to see Roma like how we see it. It is fair that to be born and raised in this amazing city, means that this city will never be able to love you the way lovers do… if this is any reconciliation to those of us whom were not born Romans~

Our Dinner was about two and half hours long that started at 9pm. Great Roman dishes, Batheos’ Calatrasi wine, and wonderful conversations ended our first evening in Italy. I woke up this morning and thought, “what financial crisis?” It took me one day in this great city of Italy’s to get over my obsession of the financial market. I declare to my lover, Roma, “if I get to live in Rome, I will be perfectly happy to completely forget about the rest of the world”

We met with the Jacobsens’ at the Stazione Termini and are on our train to Pistoia for Kelly and Ciro’s wedding. I am missing Rome already. Next time, I am not leaving Rome until Roma and I fall in love.

Internal State of Affairs

2008-09-14T22:51:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, I have enrolled myself in the Introduction Leadership Program (ILP) with landmark education (thanks to Angie!), the program is about seven months long and I started resisting the course the day after I signed up for it. Ever since I enrolled myself in this course, I have been challenged to keep my commitment by my unpredictable circumstances and wild emotional roller coaster rides. It is as if the universe is testing my commitment and battling my will. Therefore, I have decided to record my feelings and my resistance to better understand my mind and reflect upon my emotions. Through this course, I am learning to observe my internal state which I often mistaken for reality…

So there I was on Sunday morning, watching Linked TV while scrambling to pack for my upcoming trips. (I was blaming the ILP course for ruining my Friday evening in the back of my mind – although I had plenty of time to pack after the class ended) A documentary made in 2003, “Words of My Perfect Teacher”, caught my attention. The film was about the teaching of Khyentse Norbu, a Tibetan monk. I thought one of the most profound teachings from Khyentse was the notion of reality. Often, what we perceive as reality is merely an experience of our minds, not the reality.

Emotional experiences such as anger, happiness, inhibition, excitement, infatuation, sadness, cynicism, satisfaction, etc. can seem so real to us that these experiences become our reality. The experience in our minds makes us believe that our emotions and feelings are the reality. Once we have that experience established, then we set out to proof that these emotions and feelings are in fact the reality, the truth. The concept was confusing at first, but it makes perfect sense to me now. The uneasiness that I experience when I present to my credit committee is my perceived the reality. The anxiety that turns my stomach and makes me nervous is created by me, in my mind, not the reality. If the anxiety is in fact real and in existence, everyone in that meeting should experience the same thing as me, but they don’t - the audience is usually well composed with very pointed questions!

So, if our emotional experiences are not the reality, but our internal state of affairs, I can’t help by wonder, why are we confining our future to love, to share, to trust? And why are we propelled by our past to be cynical, resigned, and angry? When after all, our minds created these emotional experiences that are neither the reality nor the truth. Whatever our minds create and we experience exist only in our thoughts. They are simply our internal state of affairs, not the reality.

Good at math, bad with love

2008-09-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

One plus one equals two, right? 50% plus 50% equals 100%, correct? I just realized that being good at math and logical sometimes might not be such a good thing... In life, especially in relationships, the math just doesn't add up...

Why is it that relationships work in the beginning? You know, the passion, the longing, the curiosity, the endless conversations, the interest, the sweet and sour tastes of it all. Everything about it just seem so perfect and complete... It seems to me that in the beginning of a relationship, both of you are more than willing to put in 100% to have a 100% relationship. If my math is right, the equation for a lasting relationship should equal to100% from you, plus 100% from your partner, correct?

Once a long term relationship gets established, people forget what the equation should be and adapt to the mathematical and logical solutions. We often assume that putting in more than the other person translates into our "right" to demand from the other person and forget that our responsibility to the relationship is 100%. This is as if you put in 60% and the other person put in 40%, that will get you to where you want to be. It's not the sum of the two of you, but 100% from each person to make a lasting relationship. This means your 100% is YOUR responsibility.

Wherever there are complaints about relationships, work, or family, maybe we should start asking ourselves if we have given our 100% to that area of our lives? Are we being authentic in facing our responsibilities in these areas?

Dear Baby Nikki...

2008-09-03T15:28:00.000-07:00

This was the first time that I visited you at Kaiser for about a month now, not only you are off all of your breathing and feeding tubes, your mommy was moving you around like a little doll trying to feed those tiny milk bottles. Your mommy and I kept looking at the breathing and heart rate monitor concerned that you will forget to keep breathing while trying to swallow the milk... This is the week that you were suppose to be born but you decided to come two month earlier to this crazy world~

While I was sitting there watching your mommy feed you your lunch, I remembered the day that your mommy went into labor. Your mom and I take breakfast walks from our office to the cafeteria almost every morning before you were born. This particular morning, your mom told me that she was having pain when she drives into the office and I told her to pull over whenever she feels the pain so it's safer for both of you. Little did we know that she was having contractions and she was admitted to the hospital the same afternoon. Mommy Racel called me that afternoon and said "I am going to have the baby!!!", I panicked!!!!

Ever since that day, it has been a learning journey for me and everyone around you. I remember staying with your mom at the hospital when she was drugged up to keep you inside of her, I remember getting the call from your dad while I was in Wisconsin that you have arrived to our world, I remember seeing your mommy hovered over her first Mikuni sushi meal in a very long time, and I also remember seeing you for the very first time. Your red skin, pink face, black hair, little diaper, and a lot of tubes and monitors wrapped around you. I remember breathing gently so you don't get whatever we adults have. I thought to myself, this little thing will have to fight to survive her surgery and complications... The moment that I met you, you have changed my perspective of life -- Life is not guaranteed, it is a gift and it is always a fight.

Today when I saw your mom handling you to feed you, I held my breath and constantly checked the monitors, but I know you will continue to inspire us, continue to teach us, and continue to grow. Nikki, we don't know what your personality is going to be like or who you are going to be in this world, but your presence and your courage have moved and touched us in more ways than you can imagine. Nikkie, we love you and we will have to make this a better world, just for you.

Leaders

2008-08-30T11:39:00.000-07:00

I am the kind of gal that will take over a task, a conversation, a job if given the opportunity. I do this so that things are done more efficiently and effectively, and to make sure conversations continue on with more clarity and achieve their goals... At least these are my intentions and what I perceive to be the "right" way to accomplish the task and/or conversation at that moment... Many might think that achieving effectiveness and efficiencies are leadership qualities but what I realized is that leaders are not leading because of their leadership "qualities" but the "followers" lending their support to the leaders...

When I was assigned to assist in the landmark seminar's set-up team, I thought the job was pretty simple. All we need to do was follow instructions, set-up the sound system, tally the head count, distribute the seminar material. Easy enough, problem solved. I can master tasks like these with my eyes closed. I thought.....

During the seminar, there were a few opportunities that we could have distributed the handouts with the seminar leader's instruction. But since we were running out of time, I asked the manager of the seminar volunteers, "can you request that the seminar leader announce the distribution of these handouts?" (Hey, I want to be efficient and effective so I got to keep asking right? Besides, that was the right thing to do - I told myself) The second time when I asked the same question, the manager gave me a profound answer, he said: "Tim (the seminar leader) has a lot on his mind right now and he needs to get through what he needs to get through. We don't want to interrupt him right now, otherwise he will lose his train of thought. If we have to do it when people are walking out the door, we'll just do that". I replied, "ok" but I was screaming inside... "WHAT??? It's not effective or efficient that way!!! It will only take Tim 3 seconds to announce and take us 30 seconds to distribute then our problem will be solved!!!" We ended up not interrupting the leader which means we spent additional 10 to 20 minutes handing out the course material as people were walking out of the room..... (See, I was right, I thought to myself)

On my drive home, I just couldn't get it... why not do it the more efficient and effective way? why not do it MY way? I am right! See, 33 seconds turned into 20 minutes... Suddenly, one of Tim's acknowledgment popped into my head! Tim always thank us for letting him be the leader, giving him the life that he loves to live in, and he always end the conversation by saying that he loves us because of our generosity. (whenever he says that, I've always just listened but I have never heard what he's really saying) While I was getting ready to exit Sunrise Blvd, I realized that Tim was right!!! Leaders are who they are because the "followers" or "supporters" are willing to give up their "right" and let leaders BE leaders. No matter how great the leader is, if each one of the supporters keep insisting that they are right and their ways are better, there will not be a leader. It will just be a bunch of people arguing about what is right or wrong. However, if people are willing to give up their differences and honor one person, then a leader is born...

So leaders, please remember that you are leading because others are honoring you. The supporters gave up their "right" and stop making you "wrong" so you can be who you are in your community, job, and family. Without the followers, leaders will not exist.

Exchange of emails on marriage & love

2008-08-29T09:32:00.001-07:00

Four of us went out to lunch and play cards during lunch time. The discussion of marriage and love came up and it's so interesting that people look at marriage and love so differently but here are some email exchanges after lunch.....

Email from the Professor (our nickname for him)

My friends:
if your duties as happily married couples allows, and you find the time, and you decide to learn what science has to say about the subjects, may I suggest the 2 following books:
1. anatomy of love, written by a professor of psychology at Rutgers university ( she may have moved since the book was published, which was about 15 years ago).
this book is about human relationship and in particular marriage. many scholars since then revisited the concepts of the book, and all those who ( in my personal opinion) believe in science agreed with it.
2. stumbling on happiness, written by a professor of psychology at Harvard. published within the past couple of years. this addresses all human beliefs and behaviour, including getting married, having kids, etc.
I have read at least another 100 books on the subject over years and will be happy to let you know of others, but the above 2 are (in my humble opinion) so matter of fact and undeniably rigorous ( and yet very easy to read) that I think anyone interested in life should read and think about them.

Of course one may believe in marriage, or anything else in life for that matter, based on non scientific concepts. that is a personal choice.

My response:

I love your last line.
Marriage like many other concepts that we humans create and institute on ourselves that have became the norm, the guidelines, and way of life for various of reasons. These creations might have began for practical and economical reasons but love didn't have much to do with it in the first place. These days, marriage has been interpreted to mean very different things, and staying in or getting out of a marriage are for reasons like our insecurity, stable family structure / society, or even a way of controlling our animal instinct.

All this being said, I do believe in love, consuming and hopeless romantic love. I know that passion only last for 18 months, but you can think about it for a life time and that's good enough for me!

His response to my email:

Interesting comments. Marriage and love have for almost all human history been two distinct issues. Love always existed, and marriage was a contract of conveniences. Marrying someone because you love them is a very recent phenomenon, and in west, it more or less started in Victorian times. There is a book ( I believe by a Princeton professor or I may be wrong) called funnily enough " The history of wife". It illustrates the above very nicely.

Love though is perhaps the sweetest experience that we humans ever have. It means different things though; mystics, philosophers, others have thought about its meaning for many years.
Love, even in its Hollywood version, is still sweet and the source of so many great human achievements in arts, etc.

My response:

I agree with you on the concept of marriage, it's especially difficult for Westerners to separate the idea of marriage with love because arranged marriages and other reasons that you marry others are often not discussed here anymore. However, in Taiwan, my mother still want her daughters to marry rich and successful young men. But daughters, dutifully so, refused to listen and married for love. I do have friends that married for financial security, good life, etc and I don't think there's anything wrong with their choices as long as they are responsible for them. Who is there to judge someone like that when you marry for love and still end up in a divorce? As long as you recognize your choices and be fully responsible for the choices that you made, there is very little conflict or suffering. This is an easy concept but hard to implement…..

I can't agree with you more that love is the sweetest experience that we humans have. Therefore, the individualistic point of view that I have adapted over the years of living in the US is the worst addiction that I am trying to kick. Friendships and love for others have never been so present in my life since I took the landmark course and I am treasuring every moment of it.

Love is abundant but it's humans that are resisting the experience….